“Picking up shit in heaven is better than taking shits in hell” “Do the obest you can” “I see all of the time in all of the places” “I wonder if everyone who has ever climbed a mountain is actually very bad at it” “It’s like karate belts mixed with Sci...

“Mulligans are for golfers and hobos” “A homeopathically thinned out Cheech and Chong added to a full-strength Shia Labeouf” “The satan of improv” “Spiders are the original 3D printers” “One out of every one hundred jokes is adorable – not related to f...

“This is not the spur of the moment it’s the taint of the moment” “Genitals and gender roles” “Halving the distance between nigh and now” “It takes not long. It takes short.” “The yang is all black and stuff right? Well that’s satan.

“You probably catch as many or more flies with turds than you do with honey.” “A lethal dosage of kittens” “At some point a teddy bear doesn’t being digesting your bones.” “Babies havin’ babies, bearies eatin’ berries” “I opened a butthole into a paral...

“He would rather be out of tortilla chips than out of blood” “An interdimensional society that exists about 20 feet above Haiti, that uses Haiti as a subway.” “Why isn’t it called a belly butthole?” “Don’t be such an asshole and look at things realisti...

“I’m not chasing metaphor squirrels I’m playing meta foursquare!” “The Grand Canyon filled with cotton canyondy” “We gotta shave the whales and fight the reef!” “Like Quiznos… but with batmen. And crime fighting.

“This information is a vegetable. I will not be digesting it at all, in that case.” “There are plenty of reasons to be angry at liberals. You don’t need to invent them. They just will not stop talking about their junk. We get it. You have a pajina.

“I’m not just ready… I was BORN premature.” “A moose dressed as a mountie smoking a cigarette of maple leaves” “This is a rabbit hole you can really sink your face into” “Hillary Clinton does the same thing Trump does just it takes longer and with lady...

“I’m on a David Bowie-sized quarter roll” “It starts directly behind the rabbit’s brain and it spirals all the way to the anus: A cone of spiraling turds” “Don’t you plan ahead? Your meals. Your shitting. You don’t just shit your pants, do you? Ok.

“You’re so dumb that your body and your muscles are fighting against gravity to maintain any modicum of blood in your head and your feet sometimes lose all blood and so you are able to shoot yourself in the foot conversationally: Dumbabetes.