"If you really want to help Charlie Sheen, give him a cure for Charlie Sheen." - "Well my cats got immunized so that makes them a doctor, right?" - "Find a douchebag who’s gonna get murdered and then call him a ‘fuckface’ or ‘turd logger’ or some...

"We turned wolves into pugs and bullshits" - "Dave Cataldi doesn’t f*** in public" - "Oh man I dropped the ball. It’s ok because it was made out of turds." - "This is the world we live in, people. It’s a world of acceptance,

"I feel exquisitely blessed and fabulous" - "A blunt is a uh... is a three-pronged... joint. That has extra... lights and is rolled exclusively by asian dragons. Who are here illegally." - "I’m very busy.

"My shit is a has-been for sure" - "To enforce an abstinent mindset seems to always require dishonesty" - "The most-landed morbid jokes per capita is in the doctor’s office after a diagnosis of cancer has been delivered." -

"Despotic leaders litter human history. It’s mostly what we have - is people being dickbags in office." - "I started to watch it but then I urinated sweat from all of my pores and I had to go change." - "Do black people white knuckle?" -

"If you ever eat a banana that’s especially large, it’s a little bit emasculating." - "An irony of emasculation" - "I’m replacing ‘mediocre’ with ‘retarded’, that’s all. People don’t like being called mediocre? Fine. Now you’re retarded.

"From a dog whistle to a whale fart, and everything in between" - "Bowie, Lemmy, and Marley are all probably collaborating... in hell." - "I think that’s a big problem with people is that everybody else and everything else is either a character o...

"A lot of small splashes and neanderthals falling at the end of round 2" - "You know why that doesn’t bother me, don’t you? Because the part of me that it bothered died. And now that part is dead. So thank you.

"If you look in the back room there’s a bunch of komodo dragons licking enormous paper mache scrotums." - "Scrotum Island is actually a penis-ula that we mistook for a ballsin." - "I don’t think Einstein would have gotten shit done if he had been...

"Yeah I just tore right out of mom. Almost killed us both. It was hilarious." - "I had my homophobic feeler out. And I don’t want that to be misconstrued. I don’t want my homophobic feeler to be misconstrued." - "The Playboy!