"I feel like I’m not running for president but, then again, I’m not running for president." - "I enjoy my orange juice pulpit-free." - "LGBTQRXYZAB̈CDE无尽的悲伤FGHÏJK̈LMNÖP" - "The Flea and The Fly in The Soup" -

"I was shaming myself amongst the northern lights..." - "Full blown whore" - "You have to have real friends to be like ‘That was out of line. That was dumb. Don’t do that.’" - "And you have to have real strangers to tell you ‘You’re a douchebag.

"I’m telling you, check all anuses. Do a cavity search of the whole house." - "Your taxes are a butthole!" - "Did someone run over a pack of skunks? Then did a skunk truck drop a bin of skunks and then it got hit by another skunk truck which care...

"It’s not a spit take it’s a spit give" - "Two 90in televisions. One for each boob." - "May the sassiest survive and enjoy the superest of bowls" - "A ‘technicolormeter’. The same thing used to colorize The Wizard Of Oz is now being used to raci...

"I don’t blame jokes for being jokes I blame douchebags for taking them seriously" - "Safety aside guys, I’m gonna have to stop indicating" - "You’re throwing all of the caush into the wind" - "Speaking of red flags how about orange,

"Hot Claus" - "Even emo people are sitting there in the corner excitedly chittering about the new Star Wars" - "That’s what creativity ultimately endeavors to accomplish, is not being special, ironically" -

"Ho down at the hootenanny! She tripped on some poontang!" - "If there was a company that you could hire like ‘takemyholidayshitdown.com’ they would probably do pretty well. Literally, you go clear holiday shit off people’s dumbass houses because ...

"Cause you’re the kind of person who’s out at the intersection of Nature and Nurture in the middle of a Tuesday, buying one pack of smokes with mostly change. One of the bills was wet. Just one of them." -

"Let’s get all the bitches straight!" - "Whether it’s a wooden, three-dimensional puzzle or a human corpse in the desert. Same process." - "The amount of information that you must know is bafflingly distracting." -

"How else am I supposed to pilot a vehicle properly without gauntlets!?" - "I just bought what I needed and I paid too much for it, but then I threw half of it away anyway, and then I crossed the finish line FIRST! WITH TIME TO SPARE!" -