Friends, the cold weather months were just around the corner. Now, they’re here. With cold comes illness. The dripping nose, the headaches, the shit running down your pants leg…uncontrollably…sometimes for hours. With the new Sgt.

This Halloween don’t let the pageantry of a bunch of greedy little freaks ruin your good times. That’s right — turn off Fox News and enjoy something pleasant. Like, maybe a slasher flick. You have to admit,

Winter is just around the corner, my friends. Don’t wait until you are coughing up blood or lying on the floor convulsing to get that old furnace filter changed. Replace that musty, dusty, scum-cloaked filter with a brand new, fresh,

Autumn is upon us, ladies and gentlemen in the audience here tonight and those of you listening at home. And let’s be honest — they say winter is gonna be a hardship. But it doesn’t have to be with Brittle Thorn Hot Cocoa Mix.

My friends, summer has come to an end. Autumn is here. Are the tires on your automobile prepared for the season to come? Johnny Shoestring from Live At Shoestring’s, here to tell you about the new Road-Grabber Tires from Jolly Jizz Tire Company.

Some folks will say that all cigarettes taste the same. Friends, don’t believe ’em. All cigarettes do not taste the same. Al Reynolds here to share with you the smoke of the future — Old Dogshit 100s. Old Dogshit don’t taste like other cigarettes,

Tonight’s fantastic program has been brought to you by the makers of Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. Hi friends and neighbors, Earl T. Clemdrik here to tell you about Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. No other chew has such a refreshing, aromatic flavor.

Burt Smelvin here with my fantastic Burt Smelvin Orchestra, coming to you live from Diddlehoo Arena in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska. I’d like to take a moment to tell you about a fascinating new product that has me all a tingle.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I, Gerald Dinkins along with band leader Stu Ferdinand and calendar girl Virginia Hooters would like to introduce you to a special new beverage — Ass Load Hot Cocoa Mix. Yes, that’s right Ass Load.

Hi friends, your old Pal John Rogers here, and if you will allow me a few moments of your time, I’d like to introduce you to a revolutionary new skin care product. It’s called Shit-Oh! Yes, Shit-Oh. Just scoop a handful of this warm,