I’m being followed by a Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Skippin’ and hoppin’ on a Dream Castle…Oh shit. Didn’t know we were on the air. You caught me humming to myself. Hi friends, Mort Lawry here. Maybe that wasn’t very professional,

Hey friends, it’s your good buddy Mort Lawry here to tell you about Clown Cigarettes. Despite the name, you won’t look like a joker when you smoke Clown. Clown will make you look like a sophisticate. They will make you look cool.

I was just talkin’ with the boys back stage and boy is tonight’s message exciting: Wack It! That’s right gentlemen, don’t waste another minute — just wack it.  Hi, friends. Mort Lawry here to tell you about the new lightweight bat and ball set from Fuc...

It’s hard to believe when next we meet it will already be March. But it’s true. Hi, old friends, it’s your buddy Mort Lawry here to remind you it’s never too late. You might be thinking “Too late for what, Mort?”  That’s because nothing gets by you,

In the Northland, there’s still snow on the ground and a wind that will beat you senseless, so it’s kind of tough to believe that Spring is just around the corner. BUT, it is.  Hi, friends, Mort Lawry here to remind you to plant early.

Let’s face it, friend — the way you fucked things up last week, there is no way you’re getting off the hook with chocolates and a card this Valentine’s Day. Hi, Gents…it’s your old pal Mort Lowry here to help you out.

Hi, my friends, it’s me…your old pal Mort Lawry to talk about February. February is National Snowmobile Repair & Maintenance Awareness Month.  What better time than now for you to hook up with the folks that have been fixin’ your winter toys longer tha...

February is right around the corner, which means Valentine’s Day is near. Are you ready? Gentlemen, your old buddy Mort Lawry here to say Fuck Flowers!  That’s right. You heard me. Fuck ’em.  They dry up, wilt away,

It’s January, and you know what that means… Frozen privates. That’s right, your own very personal genitalia numb with chill. Suffer no more, friends. Hey, it’s your old pal, Mort Lawry here to introduce you to the cure — Crotch Hot!

Mort Lawry here, friends, to tell you about…What? This is a live read. Get the… You’re damn right, I’m pissed!  I’m fuckin’ leaving. Sell this shit yourself! I don’t give a fuck how much they’re paying…you don’t come walking in here on my….