This Week on Mel & Floyd: Ruby fills in while Mel contemplates What Is Hip?; A Message from Mel [scroll down]; The problem with earbuds; What is A.I. really?; “Mein Pillow” guy’s latest trials & conspiracy theories; Plummeting sales in the trump economy; A millennial saint; RFK Jr gets one right; First-time father at 135; And other random topics; Notice something missing?  For the complete Mel and Floyd Experience, buy the CD “The Very Best of James Brown” and play it on your Hi-Fi while listening to this podcast!  Or listen live at 89.9 FM or wortfm.org/listen-live/ every Friday from 1 to 2 PM Central Time.

Photo courtesy Moritz Kindler on Unsplash

Here’s Mel’s Letter in Full:

As many of you know I had a pretty serious bike accident a week or so ago. Some people have expressed concern for me so I wanted to reassure everyone I’m okay and make sure there aren’t any rumors out there about my imminent demise.

Also, that story about me getting hurt trying to jump the fountains at Caesars Palace on my Trek is completely false. I made that jump.

I only ended up with two injuries. The first was a mild scraped elbow. The second was a broken hip. Maybe I should have led with that one.

But, yeah, somehow I managed to break my hip and only ended up with a tiny elbow scrape as an additional injury.

This is where I thank all of the wonderful people who’ve helped me through this showcase of shit. Please use ChatGPT to fill in the rest of this paragraph. I’m tired.

I’ll be back on Mel and Floyd as soon as possible. But it might be a while. As any of you have seen the show live know, violent and vulgar hip movements are a key element of the program. I need to make sure my hip is fully healed before getting back into that pressure cooker.

I did want to share with you some notes about my experience. I’m doing it in a format I invented called a listcicle.

That is a combination of the nautical term list, meaning to tip to one side, and sickle, which is the instrument used by the Grim Reaper. That pretty much describes my accident, tipping to one side and dodging Dr. Death. (Note: Sometimes modern depictions of Grim Reapers show them using a Toro weed wacker instead of a scythe, but that’s not yet canon.)

Do not, under any circumstances, order the tofu scrambler from the cafeteria at St. Mary’s. If you have a cat who gets hairballs, you’ve got a pretty good idea of what the tofu scrambler looks like.

In the ambulance, the EMT did a quick cognitive test to rule out a concussion. He asked me a few simple questions like, “Do you know what day of the week it is?” and “Do you know what city you’re in?” He said I passed and added, “We used to just ask people if they knew who the president was but a lot of people got agitated at that one so we had to stop.”

In the recovery room after surgery I apparently was going on and on to the nurse about my sister. How wonderful she is. How smart she is. How much I love her. When I was a little more lucid I remember the nurse remarking on how close I must be to my sister. (Note: I don’t have a sister.)

Nurses and CNAs should be paid more. A lot more. As an aside, a majority of the folks who took care of me in the hospital were people of color. I’m sure glad we’re going to deport or drive out these monsters who go around helping sick and injured people.

It’s surprisingly easy to flash someone when you’re wearing a hospital gown. I don’t think this many people have seen “Little Mel” since the ‘70s.

Cement is hard. I mean, really, really hard.

In a situation like this you eventually revert to a baby. You’re totally dependent on others and your tiniest accomplishments are celebrated. “You made a poop! Good, boy.” “Look at you rolling over on your side. And you’re only 840 months old.”

Just because you’re a guy that doesn’t mean you can walk off a broken hip. A little ice and rest just won’t do it.

Unrelated but medical question. Do you think Exact Sciences should change their name to Hole  Numbers?

Special thanks to Floyd for his help. The only problem was that bastard kept making me laugh, which hurts like hell when you’ve got a huge incision across your belly.

Shout out to Noah the Teacher and Sar the Albanian-Turkish tree guy who helped scrape me off the sidewalk. Heroes all.

I almost had my Wisconsin citizenship revoked after going six days without eating cheese. The first time I had some I was like,“Hello, old friend!”

One of the biggest things I’ve done that’s helped is to focus as much as possible on staying in the moment. Don’t start wondering about how long before you can drive or get back on your bike or hunt down that sucker who ran the red light and extract your sweet, sweet revenge. I mostly avoided Googling info. The one time I did I ended up down the proverbial bunny hole.  By the time I was done I was convinced I had an ectopic pregnancy, kennel cough, and Dum Dum Fever.

Again, thanks to all of the amazing people who helped me during this ordeal.

I will not look for a silver lining in this stupid accident, but in these times, it really warms you inside to see so much good in so many people.

If you want to say hi, drop me a note at melandfloydmailbag@gmail.com

I’d love to hear from you. I’m bored! Send me pictures of your pets, your gardens, that weird growth on your foot that’s probably nothing but what do I know I’m not a goddamn podiatrist.

Love to you all.

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