I have had some great questions on how to teach our kids emotional intelligence - and I will answer them in this episode. I will also run through the 5 steps I use (and learned from John Gottman) on how to walk our kids through their emotions and misbehaviours - also called emotion coaching. 

 

This episode follows up on 119, about tolerating the emotions in ourselves and in our kids. 
The 5 steps to teaching our kids emotional intelligence,
as I have learned through the work of John Gottman (my summary of his book is right here) 
1. Awareness
It takes time and practice to observe how our kids might be feeling. Each of our kids will act a little differently depending on how they are feeling. Boredom looks different in each of our kids. 

Emotional awareness is the foundation for understanding what is happening for us internally - because all of this will have an external result in our lives. 

 
2. Emotions are a chance for connection
This feels really tough at the moment when our kids are pouting or blaming or having an emotion that is tough for us as moms to tolerate. 

I see these times as a situation where my kid has a GAP in their skills and they need to know I'm here to walk them through it. 

It is important to consider that our kids are at different skills and needs depending on their age. 

* How I use bedtime as the time of time day to connect with my kids on their emotions. 

 
3. Label the emotions
Awareness of a specific emotion is important because it helps us narrow down the thoughts and situations that are causing it. Even the moms I coach are a bit unaware of what emotion they could be feeling.

This can be done with a 'check-in' in lots of fun and easy ways. This is a great habit to teach your kids in becoming more emotionally aware. 

There is a science behind the process of labelling our emotions - affect labelling and 'name it to tame it'.

 
4. Empathy
I think empathy can transform your parent-child relationship, episode 84

We think that empathy might coddle or kids or keep them wallowing in it - but it is the opposite. It helps them feel seen, helps them allow the emotion in order to move through it. 

Empathy is not a form of reward or punishment and it does not excuse misbehaviour. 

A very sweet TedTalk to have empathy in listening to our kids. 

 
5. Set limits and problem solve
This is often where we START to deal with the issue. But all the other 4 steps can make this job so much easier for our kids and for us as moms. 

It means we address HOW the situation was handled, what happened from the feelings our kids had. 

Remember:

* You don't have to deal with it in the moment, come back to it when you are no longer in a stress response and when they are no longer in a stress response (