Today we’re answering more questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  With everyone coming back from vacations, we seem to be getting more questions again, so today we have a dozen to get through.  

Just to remind you, the Christian Married Sex Virtual Conference is coming up soon, you can still get your tickets here to get access to a lot of good, Christian speakers on the topic of sex.  As well, we’re going to be starting our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course up again this coming week for any Christian wives who are interested in improving their married sex lives in a more targeted way.

Now, let’s get to the questions.

Question 1 - Snoopy wife caught husband

I feel like a snoopy wife but I go through my husband’s activity log on his phone. I have seen that at one point he’s been YouTubing sexual videos. He is a man of faith and I feel like he knows it’s wrong. I have told him how I feel about that but how do I approach him about it without him knowing that I snoop?? I get angry when I find out and wonder why he does it when we have a VERY healthy and active sex life.  What should I do?

First, you tell him you snooped.  If you feel this was a violation of privacy, then you apologize and you ask for forgiveness.  Personally in my marriage, that wouldn’t be considered “snooping”.  We don’t have private lives from each other, so it wouldn’t require forgiveness as it wouldn’t be a breach of privacy.

Second, one sin doesn’t cancel out another one, so even if you snooped and it was wrong, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour.  Apologize, ask for forgiveness, then get back to what you wanted to bring up.

Third, don’t accuse him - share what you saw and ask if you can help.  You’ll have a much better chance of a positive outcome if he doesn’t feel like he’s under attack.  I understand that you’re angry - that’s a fairly typical response, but it’s also not a terribly helpful one.  I would say it’s likely more productive to cultivate feeling compassion for him and a desire to understand.  

Going to your husband and saying something like “I’m sorry, I looked at your phone, and I feel that was a breach of trust/privacy, and I would like you to forgive me for that when you’re ready.  But I also would like to talk about what I found.  I’d like to understand why you feel the need to look at women on YouTube and how I can help you with temptations like this in the future.” is likely to be more productive than “I looked at your phone and I can’t believe what I saw! Aren’t I good enough? Don’t we have enough sex? What’s wrong with you that you have to look at those women on YouTube?!”  That’s just going to put him in a defensive position, he’ll probably retaliate about the snooping and you’ll both be angry and will have driven a wedge between rather than using this opportunity to get closer and move the marriage forward.

Question 2 - Is orgasming the same as cumming?

Hey Jay Dee, I have two questions here.Is orgasm the same thing as cumming? From what I have heard orgasming is exclusively only for women that "get off", rather than when a man gets off it's not as intense and doesn't qualify as an orgasm, therefore it's cumming.Also, I have heard there are ways for a man to be able to feel the pleasurable sensations of cumming while not ejaculating, that they are two separate actions but happen so close together that a lot of people mistake it as one.