When “Janie” came to see me, she was lost.  She could not understand HOW her husband could be so wrapped up in his affair.  “Doug” was discovered at a lunchtime rendezvous with his mistress of 6 months.  A friend saw them sneaking into a motel room, and quickly called Janie.

Doug was ashamed, swore he would break it off, claiming it had only happened a couple of times.  While Janie didn’t really care how often they had met, Janie also didn’t believe him.  Doug had been distant for some time.  In fact, his distancing was at about the same time he began texting and chatting with the other woman.  Janie knew something was wrong; she just couldn’t imagine Doug would cheat.

In fact, few would have believed it.  Doug was always at his kids’ games, was in church every week, and was a civic leader.  He was also deeply involved in a very unhealthy relationship — one he seem completely unable to break from.

“What is driving him?  Why is he acting this way?” Janie pleaded.

Affairs seem to burn so hotly.  It can baffle the people involved and the spouses hurt by the relationship.  And it can be a fire that is tough to squelch and hard to escape.

Do not confuse the heat for love.

Rarely is love hatched in the midst of dishonesty and deceit.

Janie told me she just didn’t get it.  The other woman was less attractive, more needy, less successful, and just did not match up with what Doug proclaimed he wanted in life.  Yet there they were, deeply involved and proclaiming the “truth” of their relationship.

I pointed out one thing I want to point out to you:  affairs are not about the other person.  The other person is an object, a projection of lots of other things.  But it is really not so much about that other person.

Very frequently, after the affair is ended, the cheating spouse says to me, “I have no idea what I was thinking.  I don’t even LIKE that other person.”

Unfortunately, it can take time to get to that level of disconnect.

In this week’s podcast, I want to share with you the mixture that creates the “rocket fuel” of the intense feelings involved in an affair.

Take a listen and let me know what you think!

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