When a man chooses to have a secret sexual basement, he’s abusing his wife. Here’s why.

A secret sexual basement refers to a hidden life that a man conceals from his wife and children. This hidden life may involve activities such as pornography, masturbation, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, or workplace sexual harassment.

Having A “Secret Sexual Basement” Is Abuse

Here are all the abusive ways a man keeps his sexual behaviors hidden from his wife:

• Manipulation
• Lies
• Gaslighting
• Emotional neglect

Did you know there are 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take this FREE emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband’s secret sexual basement qualifies as emotional abuse.

A Secret Sexual Basement Is Abusive

Even if a man is fully transparent about his sexual activities – thus having no “secret” sexual basement – if he feels entitled to sex, he is still abusive.

At BTR.ORG, we understand how difficult it can be to accept that your partner’s sexual betrayal is abuse – especially if you have been conditioned to believe that your partner is sexually addicted and needs your support to “heal”.

If your husband has been lying to you about his secret sexual life, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Get the support you need.

Transcript: What Is A Secret Sexual Basement?

Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about the secret sexual basement. A secret sexual basement is when a man has an entire life that his wife and kids don’t know about. That life can include any or all of these things: pornography, masturbation, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, sexual harassment at work . He compartmentalizes his life so that when he’s with his wife and children, he’s an upstanding member of society.

Then he has this other part of his life. He participates in behaviors that would absolutely devastate and shock his family, colleagues and church community. The type of man who would have a secret sexual basement is, at his core, a liar. He doesn’t live in truth, because there’s no truth in him. The character of a man with a secret sexual basement has no respect or care for integrity. Meaning he doesn’t care if his actions are inconsistent with his statements.

He doesn’t have an integrity disorder. He just doesn’t have integrity. So this isn’t necessarily him breaking his marriage vows, although he absolutely has broken his marriage vows. It’s the opposite. Like he saw this public act of making marriage vows as a good way to deceive people about his true character. Let’s pretend for a minute that he was very genuine when he made his marriage vows, he did those honestly.

If he is honest, then when he wants to break his marriage vows. He would tell his wife, hey, I know I made these marriage vows. I now would like to break them and I’m going to break them in this way.

Traits Of Men With Secret Sexual Basements

Anne: I’ve never heard of a cheating man or a man who uses pornography doing that, not once. Why? Because a man with a secret sexual basement is a liar. That is his character. A man with a secret sexual basement is also exploitative. His character is based on the belief that he’s entitled to exploit people, especially his wife. When it comes to sex, he puts his desire for it and his ability to do whatever he wants when it comes to it. Above the basic care or rights of other people.

So in a nutshell, a man with a secret sexual basement lies and exploits people. The pornography addiction, industrial complex or treatment complex would like women married to men. Who have this type of character to believe it’s an addiction issue. But entitlement isn’t an impulse control problem, a brain problem, or a willpower problem. It’s just a character problem.

This is a man who thinks, I deserve to watch pornography. It’s my right. If you get in my way or cause me problems, complain or whine about me doing this thing that I’m entitled to do. You are taking away my rights. You’re oppressing me. I am entitled to sex from you. And if you don’t give it to me or let me do it in some other way, it’s a miscarriage of justice.

And that’s how men with this type of character end up playing the victim over and over again. Because a man with this type of character will feel very oppressed when he’s not able to get what he thinks he deserves. He’s going to think you’re taking his rights away. Or oppressing him if you confront him about his pornography use, or how he’s harmed you.

The Role Of Deception & The Impact On Wives

Anne: Men with secret sexual basements use deception, as they use pornography, masturbate, and sexual acts. That they don’t want their wife or anyone to know about. They’re not engaged in those behaviors because they’re an addict, although they are an addict.

They believe, at their core, entitled to that. And believe their sexual desires are equal to air, and if they don’t “breathe,” they’re going to asphyxiate. They will feel oppressed and victimized when someone gets in their way. And his wife usually wonders where he is. Why isn’t he home for dinner? Because she doesn’t know he has this whole other life. So it’s hard for her to understand why he can’t make enough time to take out the garbage.

The character of a man with a secret sexual basement is unwilling. He’ll manipulate his wife to believe he’s unable to meet the lowest bar of decent human behavior. He wants his wife to think that his lower than lowest bar behavior is due to an addiction, disorder, childhood trauma or abusive dad. So he needs her help to educate him about how to meet the lowest bar.

He doesn’t mind being labeled an addict, and he doesn’t mind therapy because he knows he can just lie and manipulate the therapist. But if he says his childhood trauma caused him to have a secret sexual basement, that is flat out not true. He had childhood trauma, sure. Then he had a bunch of choices to make, and he chose a deceitful character and create a secret sexual basement. Why is he choosing a secret sexual basement?

Manipulation Is Always Involved

Anne: When he could sing Broadway musicals all day. He could eat ice cream or go for a run. It literally has nothing to do with his childhood trauma, or his abusive dad. He’s not willing to behave in a way that doesn’t harm other people. Because he doesn’t care about people. He’s not considerate of others. If he actually cared about injuring people, he would have stopped a long time ago.

But he doesn’t care about injuring other people. He just wants to do what he wants to do, and he doesn’t want anyone to bother him about it. He’s not willing to live according to principles. And due to that, you might see that he exhibits some sociopathic or antisocial patterns. These are ways of thinking and behaviors that disregard and violate the rights of others through deceit and manipulation.

One of the hallmarks of an emotional and psychological abuser. The type of man to have a secret sexual basement is that he understands sympathy and uses it to manipulate people. But he doesn’t feel sympathy toward other people. He wants his wife to feel sorry for him. So he can continue to exploit her.

The manipulation tactic of poor me. I’ve had such a hard life. All the excuses he could give sounds better than the truth. Which is: I’m going to watch pornography because I’m so selfish. I’m willing to harm other people to satisfy my desires.

Justifications Used For The Abusive Behavior

Anne: Just think about it this way. If I thought it was fun to stomp on my husband’s barefoot with my cowboy boots on. But he cried when I did it, I’d stop. I would stop after the first time, because I would see the look on his face. I would realize the pain it caused him. Even that example is insane. Because a decent human being would know that stomping on his barefoot in my cowboy boots would hurt. I don’t have to stomp on it or see the look on his face to realize this.

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The type of man to have a secret sexual basement. He’s never going to articulate or admit that he’s aware, educated, and conscious that he’s hurting people. And that he chooses to do it anyway. When a woman discovers her husband has a secret sexual basement. It’s likely she’ll resist this type of abuse by trying to get him to get help. Thinking that that will stop him from abusing her. Anything that a woman does to resist this type of abuse is healthy.

Even so, we’ve found it’s not the most strategic way to safety. Because he’s been comfortable deceiving you and others this entire time. He’s known he’s been doing it the whole time. If the only time you ever hear about him wanting to change and getting treatment is after you’ve caught him using pornography, having an affair or sexting with his coworker. You can know that is manipulation. Because if he wanted to change, he would have sought help before you found it on his phone.

Religion, Deceit & More Abuse

Anne: In religious communities, when they’re caught, men with a secret sexual basement. Will profess to believe in Jesus, and repentance, and that you need to forgive. This is just more manipulation and abuse. Jesus said don’t lust after women. So, if he believed in Jesus, he would have followed his counsel before he got caught.

A man with a secret sexual basement can be accurately defined as abusive. And here’s why, to “get what he’s owed,” he’ll use abusive tactics like grooming, gaslighting, and deceit. All of which are abusive. Grooming and gaslighting to see aren’t wrong, because if you do them, you’ll go to hell. They’re wrong, because if you do them, you’re going to hurt someone else.

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Let’s say a man doesn’t have a secret sexual basement. Let’s say he uses pornography, but he’s completely honest and transparent about it. Is he abusive? The answer is yes, because he’s participating in trafficking, which is how pornography is produced. The definition of trafficking is the buying or selling of sex for a profit. The free pornography is to get people hooked, so eventually they will pay for pornography.

If a man is willing to consume women as products, his wife will be abused. Because he believes, at his core, that women are objects. Pretty much every woman in our community who discovered her husband’s secret sexual basement. Says that her husband also exhibited the characteristics of a narcissist, sociopath, or addict.

How To Recognize Their True Character

Anne: The most important thing is realizing you’ve discovered his true character. If you’re listening and still confused about his true character. Is he really this type of abuser? I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to answer this very question. Enrolling in this workshop will help you determine his true character. And help you determine if he is this type of exploitative person with that level of deception. Or if it was just a mistake because he didn’t understand.

The Living Free Workshop will also help you know what safety strategies to use as you observe. To figure out what his character is. Since I started educating people about this type of abuse. I’ve come into contact with so many therapists who use many words. They use the word disorder. They like to diagnose. And all of it sounds like word salad to me.

The more I’ve listened to all these so-called reasons or explanations of why this man is abusive. I don’t understand why they don’t just say he’s abusive. They say like, he’s got this disorder, which is abusive, and I’m like, well, why don’t you just say he’s abusive? That’s what abuse is. It’s confusing to me. It’s also confusing to me when women go to clergy for help. And they’ll suggest this is some type of sickness and health situation.

But finding out your husband has a secret sexual basement. Is totally different than your husband being diagnosed with cancer. When someone is genuinely sick, they need your support and love. But if someone uses your support and love for his own exploitative purposes, he’s deceiving you on purpose to continue dangerous behaviors. That makes him dangerous to you.

Finding Safety & Miracles

Anne: And because abusers already know what they’ve been doing. And why they’ve been communicating the way they have to deceive you. Communicating how their behavior has harmed us does not improve the situation. Because they already know, they just don’t care.

There was a time in my marriage when I had a Willy Wonka attitude about it. If I wanted the golden ticket enough, I would get it. If I wanted him to change, I could pray and have faith, and not give up hope. And miracles could happen. I believe in miracles. But I discovered that focusing on my own emotional and psychological safety created so many miracles. I am the miracle, my life is the miracle. So determining your husband’s true character is the first step on your way to a miracle.

Again, to find out more about The Living Free Workshop and how it can help you determine your husband’s character.