Therapy not working like you hoped? Most people don’t know the signs of an abusive therapist. When Dee went to her therapist for anxiety, she expected to feel better. Instead, she was gaslit, groomed, devalued, and discarded.

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Transcript: Signs Of An Abusive Therapist

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Dee. She has two children. She’s a mostly stay at home mom, but sometimes she works as an art teacher to kids at her church. She’s taken up cycling as a form of exercise, and it’s been helpful for her to be outdoors. During this journey of healing, she also enjoys yoga and reading.

She has struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age. So she started therapy in 2018. And initially, she went to a mental health hospital for intensive outpatient therapy, because her anxiety had become so debilitating.

And there she met an abusive therapist and was his client for 10 months. She’s going to talk about her experience with this therapist a bit today. So many women who follow Betrayal Trauma Recovery or listen to the podcast have gone to therapy for help. But when they went to therapy, it worsened, and sometimes they didn’t recognize it for a long time. In Dee’s case, it was 10 months.

An Abusive Therapist May Seem Like A “Perfect Fit”

Anne: So let’s talk about your story. You go to this abusive therapist. Did you know that you were his first client in his private practice?

Dee: Yes, I did.

Anne: And what makes you think this is a good therapist for me?

Dee: When I was at the mental health hospital, we had a substitute therapist come in one day. It was a group therapy dynamic. And our regular therapist was out that day, and he came in as a substitute, and I had a side conversation with him during a break. I appreciated his response and felt like he knew where I was coming from. And so whenever we left that program, they want you to be set up with a therapist outside of there, so that you could continue your care.

He had mentioned to me that he was starting his own practice. And when our regular therapist came back, the next day I was talking to her about trying to find someone. And I consider going to a Christian counselor. Because I felt like that might be the right fit for me. She discouraged me from going that route.

She wasn’t sure if that would be the most helpful type of therapy for me. And I don’t remember her reasoning now, but I do remember saying to her, well, this other person that came in said he’s starting his own practice, and she said, yeah, I think he would be a good fit for you.

The Vulnerability Of Intensive Therapy

Dee: In that moment, I was still struggling in where I was, and it was hard to pick a person off a list I’d never seen, never talked to. And I trusted her opinion. I know that she was coming from a good place. And I don’t think she had any idea what I was stepping into. I just didn’t even feel equipped to make certain decisions at that point. And I trusted her opinion on that matter.

Anne: Well, especially, you’ve been in intensive outpatient therapy. So, you’re in a very vulnerable place at this time.

Dee: Yes, absolutely. I’ve dealt with anxiety, but it became, when I say debilitating, I mean, I was barely sleeping. I had stopped eating even the last few days before I finally got into their care. It was just to a breaking point, and I knew that and I needed help.

I don’t know where to go for help, and I hear of this place that is pretty close to me. I decided to do something, and that seemed like the most reasonable next step. And I trust that anybody at their facility was somebody I could rely on to be a safe place.

Anne: Yeah, because why would you think any differently? That makes sense.

It’s Not Your Fault If Your Therapist Has Abused You

Anne: In that first meeting, because your decision was basically based on that first meeting with him on the side conversation, and then also her recommendation, would you characterize that now looking back as grooming? When I say grooming, I wonder if the things he says to you are like narcissists. I can’t diagnose him, because I’ve never met him. I’m just talking from your perspective, but they’re good at reflecting back what people are saying.

So many women who are dating narcissists or meet them feel like, Oh, this is my soulmate, right? They understand me. So when I say grooming, I’m also asking about that side conversation where you feel, wow, he understands what I’m saying. Do you see that part as grooming?

Dee: Maybe not so much as grooming. I later question if I’m targeted for some reason. This is a difficult question to ask yourself, because then you ask yourself, what would make me an ideal target for someone? Did this therapist see something in me that he thought he wanted to exploit? And I don’t know the answer, but that’s something I definitely have asked myself.

Anne: Yeah, and that’s also a victim blaming type question, right? Because then you’re like, what was it about me that made an abusive therapist target me? And, and I don’t think that’s ever the case. I mean, just because you were in an outpatient clinic and just because you were vulnerable at the time doesn’t mean someone has the right to target you.

It’s still not your fault. A normal person wouldn’t exploit that. They would have empathy, right, and want to be helping you rather than

Dee: Exploiting you, right.

Have Self-Compassion If You Are A Victim Of An Abusive Therapist

Dee: I wanted to feel validated, because I know that many people you talk to are coming out of a marriage or maybe still in a marriage or relationship that’s abusive. But I didn’t have to keep going back.

I wasn’t forced to have him as my therapist, and it’s not to take away from anybody else’s situation, because I understand that many people feel guilt and shame. But for me, that’s such a big part of what I’ve struggled with. It seems like it would have been easy to leave if something didn’t feel right at one point, and instead of leaving at that first sign, I kept going.

And it’s hard not to feel like I played a part in it. For many reasons, but that being one of them, I wasn’t living with this person. I’m not married to this person, and I don’t have children with this person. I’m choosing to have them as my therapist, and go back week after week and pay them.

Anne: Listening to the stories on the podcast of other women who have had really difficult and traumatic experiences with an abusive therapist, has that been validating for you?

Dee: I think it’s hard when it isn’t a carbon copy of what I experienced. Because I tend to feel my situation is different. And that their situation is valid for its own reasons. Maybe mine isn’t, because I feel a lot of responsibility in what happened. So I tend to feel like other people are more valid in feeling traumatized in therapy.

I Didn’t Know What Gaslighting Was

Anne: Well, hopefully by the end of this podcast and by the end of this episode, you can feel the love of all the listeners. Letting you know that your trauma with this abusive therapist is just as valid, and that it is crazy traumatic to trust someone to help you, and have that turn into destruction, chaos, and pain.

So let’s actually talk about what happened. Maybe you want to define that first moment when you were like, something’s not right. Even if you weren’t able to verbalize it, or you weren’t able to like process what it was. When was the first time you recognize something is not right here?

Dee: So, this is one reason why it’s hard to recount what happens, because I feel like there were different aspects. Some of it was physical, or maybe there was gaslighting that was going on. And so these things overlap. And it’s hard to give you a concrete timeline of when each thing happened. But they happened interchangeably, so it all leaves you feeling so distorted.

When I left, I said, it seemed like I was in a tornado. And things swirled around me, and it felt like pure chaos. And I didn’t understand what was happening. All I knew is that I was in a lot of pain. I think the first time I can see it as part of a larger picture was at the end of a session. He, this abusive therapist, put his hand up and had me put my hand up to his. And he kind of wrapped his thumb around my hand and said something cheesy, like, oh, it’s a hand hug.

An Abusive Therapist May Gaslight You: Pay Attention To Your Gut Feelings

Dee: I remember in my next session saying to him, I was surprised he made any kind of physical contact. And I don’t remember what his specific response was, but it was just sort of, oh no, it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. And I thought, Oh, okay, I guess. My idea of what therapy is is very rigid, and I’ve never been to therapy before.

So, the only therapy experience was at the mental health facility, and I have never been to therapy otherwise. So I didn’t know what was okay and not okay, and what therapy looks like. I mean, there are many terms that I’ve learned since then. And if I had known them, maybe I would have left sooner, because I would have more of a definition for what was happening. But I didn’t even have those terms yet.

Anne: It’s not only that you don’t have the terms, I mean, all abuse victims, you don’t even have the context for it.

Dee: Yes.

Anne: You have this sense that something’s not right. But then when you tell the abuser, Hey, this feels weird to me. And you get gaslit and the abusive therapist says, Oh, no, this is fine. This is what happens, this is normal. This is what happens in marriage and therapy. Then you think well, okay, maybe it’s me.

Shame, Secrecy & Isolation

Anne: So you weren’t telling anyone else what was happening during these sessions?

Dee: No. There was a lot of shame that I felt, and I just think that compounds the secrecy of it all. You know, it makes you feel like you can’t talk about it because you’re ashamed of what happens. And that’s very isolating in feeling that, you can’t share with others what’s going on. That you’re confused about something. And in some ways, I feel like that’s part of why it continues, because I wasn’t talking to other people about it. Not until right before I left the his “care.”

Anne: So we’ve got physical crossing of boundaries. It sounds like during that session you were gaslit Were there more types of physical crossing of boundaries?

Dee: Pretty soon after the session, where the abusive therapist had touched my hand. I was emotional a lot in therapy. I think I cried just about every session. And I am upset and emotional about something we talk about. He got off his chair and came and sat next to me, and he put his hand on the back of my head as he talked to me. And I remember him stopping what he said and making a comment that my hair was soft.

I remember feeling really nervous about that. And I started babbling about something about my conditioner or something. It was just this awkward response, but it was just so out of the blue. And I remember he just kind of stopped me, and I thought, Oh, okay, just take a deep breath.

An Abusive Therapist May Attempt To Alter Your Perception Of Reality

Dee: So, you know, in a following session, when I brought up that that had happened, he said, I didn’t touch your hair. I said, it looked soft. And I said, no. You touched my hair, and you said it felt soft. No, I didn’t touch your hair. I just said it looked soft. And I had no question in my mind of what had happened.

I knew what had happened. I am confused why he would try to tell me it didn’t happen. And again, at the time, I didn’t know what gaslighting was. I just thought it was something bizarre that the therapist was doing. In the larger scope, now it makes more sense. But at the time, it was just weird.

Anne: Did you ever think because he was your therapist, maybe he had a reason?

Dee: I put a lot of trust into his discretion of what was okay and what wasn’t okay. I think in that situation, instead of drawing a boundary like I normally would have. I don’t sit alone with men. Having conversations about personal things, you know. I’ve been married now for 18 years, and I never felt like I would potentially violate some part of the sanctity of my marriage. And so I think being in therapy and sitting in that sort of bubble, it just felt disconnected from my actual life.

Can You Relate To Therapy Abuse?

Dee: It didn’t feel like here’s an abusive therapist crossing a boundary, and me being a married woman. And me needing to say, no, this isn’t okay. If that had happened outside of that room, I would have recognized that. And again, I wouldn’t have been in that situation. I wouldn’t feel it was appropriate to have these intimate conversations. But I mean, that is the dynamic of therapy, is to sit and talk about what, what you’re struggling with. And having these really personal conversations.

So I think it just kind of happened without it. It’s really striking me as something that shouldn’t be happening.

Anne: Well, I think our listeners can relate, because we tell abusive therapist stories. Like when the therapist doesn’t understand or they don’t validate you. It’s a therapist’s horror story and also clergy horror story on this podcast. In this context, all of our listeners can relate. Because that’s how they felt in their marriage. When they’re thinking, well this is my husband.

So with another man I met on the street, if he screamed and yelled in my face. Or if he lies to me about something I knew was wrong. Then I’d be like that guy’s crazy or whatever. But when it’s your husband, or when it’s someone you trust. Or when it’s someone you’re supposed to have this safe, trusting relationship with. It’s confusing. You can’t wrap your head around what is actually happening in the moment now that you’re looking back. What should therapy look like?

Vulnerability When You Have An Abusive Therapist

Dee: I’ve been to therapists since then, and things that I don’t feel are confused. A therapist doesn’t hurt me. And I don’t feel like they’re ever lying to me or trying to make me feel bad. I feel supported. I don’t ever feel like they’re trying to cross any boundaries with me. And I always feel like there’s this extra sense of your safety.

And there was also this weird sort of issue for me with therapy. When I saw this abusive therapist, where I would feel really, really good in the mornings that I would go. Almost like I was on a high. It was just the sort of anticipation of going and being in this place and feeling good.

And then when I would leave, I would feel really, really down and almost unable to wait that week until I could go back. And I had no idea the chemicals in my brain were such a big factor. Because there’s this sort of intermittent reinforcement going on, which did happen. You know, you would get this surge of adrenaline and all these hormones that make you feel good in that situation.

An Abusive Therapist May Be Unpredictable

Dee: And then they’re taken away, you feel really, really low, and you want to get that back. And I didn’t realize I was going through that storm. I just knew that I wanted to be there because I wanted to feel good. And sometimes it did feel good. And sometimes it felt bad, and it shouldn’t be this back and forth of good and bad.

What am I going to get today? Am I going to get the nice therapist who’s validating and makes me feel good? Or am I going to get the one that makes me feel guilty? Like I’m a bad person. I was talking one day, and he came, and the abusive therapist sat next to me close enough that our arms were touching. But that was it, just sitting next to me.

And then, you know, a couple sessions might go by where there wasn’t any crossing of the physical boundary. And then. I remember the abusive therapist came over and wrapped his arms around me. He was sitting behind me, and he kind of laid back on the couch, because I would sit on this small little couch in his office. And he wrapped his arms around me and held me.

And I did feel an immense sense of comfort in that. At the same time, he’s telling me that this doesn’t have to happen. We don’t need to do these things in therapy. And okay, I’ll do it this one time, but, you know, this isn’t something you should need from me. And so I had a lot of guilt.

An Abusive Therapist May Exploit Your Need For Physical Affection

Dee: There’s a lot of shame in that. And again, maybe a few sessions go by, and one day I’m just sitting there talking. And unprovoked, the abusive therapist comes and sits on the other end of the couch. I just continue to sit where I’m sitting, and we’re kind of facing each other from opposite ends of this little couch, more like a love seat.

And after a few minutes of me not responding in any way. The abusive therapist said, “You know, why don’t you come lay next to me?” And I did. In a following session, when I brought it up that had happened, he said he felt manipulated by me.

And when he said that, you know, when someone says it made their head spin, it literally made my mind spin in circles. Because I thought, how did I manipulate you?

I didn’t ask you to come sit next to me. I didn’t ask you to lay next to me. You asked me to do those things. And yet somehow he’s telling me that I manipulated him. The abusive therapist made a comment that he cared more about me than his other clients. Maybe a little more, and then he took that back and said, well, no, I just said that to make you feel better.

And I remember being extremely hurt, and I don’t use language. Usually I don’t cuss, but I remember when he said that to me, I told him you don’t lie to me. And that’s not the wording I used, but I remember I felt extremely hurt and angry. Then as we’re talking, the abusive therapist kind of settles things back down. And he’s back to saying, well okay, no, I care more about you.

I Wish I Had Walked Away

Dee: I’m just trying to invalidate myself, because I shouldn’t feel that way. So that’s why I said I care more, but I need to deny that to myself to keep myself in check. I’m on a roller coaster. I told him later on, How am I supposed to know what’s true and what’s not true when you tell me one thing and then the opposite? You’re telling me you feel manipulated?

It was so confusing. And I wish I had walked away at that point. I wish I had already walked away. But it’s hard to want to start over in therapy when you’ve laid all that groundwork. And had some sessions where you maybe talk about some specific things that are hurtful. I remember there were a few sessions that were hard to get through.

And I know that one, I felt an attachment to the abusive therapist. And two, I felt like I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to go to someone and have to do that all over again. I just want to go forward. And I kept telling myself that it would be okay. And it just kept getting worse.

Anne: So you’re manipulated in this vulnerable position with an abusive therapist. Did you ever wonder, am I having an emotional affair with my therapist?

Dee: Oh, absolutely. You know, I would come home and feel like I had this bad secret. Boundaries are crossed, and I feel shameful and guilty about that. I knew I was hurting, but I didn’t know how to get help for it. And emotionally isolated, like I wasn’t understood. I wasn’t able to communicate to my husband.

An Abusive Therapist May Give You His Or Her Personal Contact Information

Dee: I think it’s important to mention that early on, as a client, I had his personal number. That’s the number the abusive therapist uses as his business. It was his personal number and his business number. And I texted him a few times when I struggled and could reach out to him. And sometimes he would respond, and sometimes he wouldn’t.

He told me, he’d be okay with it either way. If I respond, lucky you. And if I don’t, then you have to accept that. I remember that was kind of the attitude of how that would go. And I remember early on, there were a couple of times where it was later at night and I was struggling with something and I would reach out and get a response.

A few times, we ended up talking back and forth for a while. And it became more conversational than therapeutic. After one of the times when that conversation had gone on for maybe even an hour, the abusive therapist told me to delete the text. And hello, red flag, I wish I had known how inappropriate that was. And I did, I deleted it and it happened again within a couple of weeks. That happened again, and at the end, hey, Delete this text, and I did.

And there were comments made when I was in sessions. I remember him making a comment about his sex life. Which is absolutely something that he should have never been talking to me about. He told me some personal things about his family. Very personal things about his family, his parents in particular. Again, things that were not relevant to my therapy and never should have been coming up in therapy.

An Abusive Therapist May Spend Extra Time With You

Dee: The therapist started letting my sessions go longer than the allotted time. They are supposed to be an hour or under an hour. And it became normal for my sessions to be at least an hour and a half, two hours was pretty typical. We had one session that was about four hours. That was the longest.

And I am only charged for an hour each time. And I remember telling him, I don’t have my phone out. I don’t know what time it is, so you tell me when our session is up. And I left that to him to tell me, Hey, okay, it’s time for us to end. Again, it became very normal for my sessions to go over an hour by quite a bit. And come to find out, because I have since read the code of ethics for therapists, that’s unethical. I didn’t realize that at the time, how damaging that actually is as a client.

And also again, confusing. Because some days if the abusive therapist would come in and say, Hey, I only have an hour and a half today. He would say it kind of in a cold way. And I remember. In those times, it seemed almost like a rejection, sort of this cold comment he was making at me of, I only have this much time for you today. And I was just sort of at his whim.

The Danger Of Trusting An Abusive Therapist

Dee: He told me multiple times that he was an empath and I was not. He said he’s an empathetic person and I am not. For a long time, I defined myself as an empathetic person. Sometimes to my own detriment. I feel tender hearted. And that’s one of my core strengths, I think. And to sit there and have a professional tell you, you’re not an empath, but I am. It stripped me of part of my identity, of something valuable that I see in myself.

But again, I see this abusive therapist as this kind of authority. In a way, I thought maybe he was right. I put a lot of value and trust into what he told me. And the therapist also would make comments about you, I’m the expert. See, my diploma’s up there on the wall. You don’t know what you’re talking about, kind of comments.

Anne: We get that a lot. The therapist says I’m a therapist, so this isn’t abuse. Either I’m not abusing you or your husband’s not abusing you. This is just a communication issue or something. It’s a story we hear a lot around here. I’m a therapist, so I know better kind of idea. But in this case, he uses it to keep you confused.

Dee: I think it just reaffirmed that he knew more than me. There was this air of, I’m educated on this and you’re not. And that played into other things too.

An Abusive Therapist Will Take Advantage Of Their Position Of Authority

Dee: I remember us talking about my job and education. I have a bachelor’s degree. And I was talking about my teaching job, teaching art.

And he said, well, as he’s making a note in his little journal, where he kept notes of my sessions. The abusive therapist said, well, I’m going to write down art facilitator because you don’t have a teaching degree. It seems so unnecessary and hurtful, but I feel like there were many times where there were these little cut downs.

Again with the comment of he’s the expert, and I guess it was devaluing me. And maybe trying to keep me in a place of feeling like the abusive therapist was the all knowing authority. Who am I to question the expert?

Anne: But also seemingly not just about therapy or therapeutic things. But giving you the impression that he’s also the authority and knows more about your life. Knows more about what you need or how you feel. Do you know what I’m saying? Is that sort of the feeling of it?

Dee: Yes, yes. There’s even something specific, and this is pretty personal. I remember talking to him about a specific encounter I had in college that was pretty traumatizing. And here I was 19 years later, sitting in his office, crying, like barely able to tell the story. Because it was extremely upsetting and traumatizing to me. And I was talking to him about that experience. In that moment, the abusive therapist told me that my response was mean.

Why Was He Telling Me That?

Dee: He told me once that he didn’t know if he’d ever had sex with the lights off. Like, what? You turn the light off when you have sex? And I said, well, yeah, usually. And the therapist said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever had sex with the light off.” And why was he telling me that?

Anne: So your abusive therapist was a sex addict. That sounds pretty typical of a sex addict. You had a serious abuser slash porn user on your hands there. It’s just hard to picture him in that way. That’s how the wives feel about their husbands. They’re like, what? No, he wouldn’t use porn. And I’m like, well, all the things you just told me are classic, classic markers.

I think one thing that’s really hard for wives of abusive men to wrap their heads around. Is that the woman their husband has an emotional affair with, for example. Or the women they’re having a flat out affair with are also victims in many ways.

Because here you are, abused and manipulated. Not knowing where to go for help, continually asking your abuser, Wait, is this right? This doesn’t feel right, I’m confused. And him gaslighting you and telling you it’s fine. And this is what’s good for you. I think it’s helpful for all listeners to understand that we need to be gentle and empathetic with all victims of abuse. Whatever form they come in.

And then in this instance, I’m bringing that up because he could have been married. And still participated in this type of abusive behavior.

Dee: Definitely. I feel like more often than not, the stories I have heard, usually they are. And the therapist did bring it up when I confronted him.

An Abusive Therapist Will Cause You To Feel Blame

Dee: And I would like to tell you about that confrontation. I remember the therapist was a little emotional and upset when he said, Imagine if I’m married. And I thought, well, I am married. And for him to say like, oh, imagine if I have a wife and am married.

Anne: Well, imagine if I am married, because I am. Yeah, the lack of empathy and understanding is astounding. So I think that’s why it’s so traumatic for you. It validates you and validates other women who have been coerced into a physical relationship that was inappropriate. That they didn’t feel comfortable with, that they didn’t necessarily consent to, but they’re finding themselves in it. It’s almost like a form of rape.

Dee: It’s hard not to feel a lot of blame on myself.

Recognizing Unethical Therapy Practices

Dee: I want to tell you too about an organization I connected with that should be mentioned on the podcast. You know, they told me it was never my job to make sure the boundaries weren’t crossed. And that’s been a hard thing to accept.

That’s really hard to accept, because I take a lot of responsibility, and I continue to. But one thing that an abusive therapist might do is schedule clients at the end of the day, so that you’re the last one there. Maybe the office is empty, and also going over your allotted time. If you’re scheduled for 50 minutes or an hour, you should only be there for 50 minutes or an hour.

But I also knew that because I was one of his first clients, the therapist had a lot of extra open time. And I guess I felt privileged that I was allocated extra time and not charged for it. And not realizing that isn’t appropriate. Another thing is physical contact. That one’s kind of, you know, the lines are a little blurry when it comes to handshakes and maybe even hugs.

Because I’ve even had a therapist since then who likes to hug me at the end of our session, and I was comfortable with it. She is a sweet woman, and I always feel like her intentions are pure. But you know, even that’s a gray area, as far as if that’s appropriate or not. But particularly if it starts out as one thing, and you start seeing it progress over time.

An Abusive Therapist Will Groom Victims Slowly Over Time

Dee: So for me, that was initially just touching my hand. That progressed to the abusive therapist sitting next to me, him touching my hair at one point, him sitting close enough for our arms to touch, and then at some point him putting his arms around me.

And him asking me to lay down next to him, and unfortunately on a few occasions even going beyond that in the physical sense. Looking back, I can see how they were these tiny incremental steps that didn’t scream out at me. And obviously, these things were not okay when they’re happening little by little over months at a time.

It just, I don’t know, I think it’s easy to excuse each step forward that it goes. It’s not like I walked in and at my first appointment he was sitting next to me. That didn’t happen right away. There were steps that even led up to that.

Anne: What were you saying to yourself at the time while the abusive therapist groomed you? It’s slowly escalating over time, but not escalating, so it was obvious.

Dee: I think there was a big part of me that I had a certain privilege that other people didn’t have.

Anne: When do you start to notice, hey, you know what, something’s got to change here. This is not the right therapist for me.

Dee: I think it was way earlier than when I actually left, honestly. It’s hard, because to some degree, these things felt good to me. To have attention or to have that kind of comfort.

The Trauma Bond Explained

Dee: But there was also tremendous guilt and shame. Because I recognize that these things shouldn’t be happening. But it took a while to get to a place where I felt I could leave. Because I remember feeling emotionally attached to the therapist, and now I know that I have a trauma bond to the abusive therapist.

I’m still dealing with that. It’s weird to feel the need for somebody in your life who you know has hurt you tremendously. But yet, you still wish they could be there for you when they’re the one who hurts you.

Anne: Can we talk about trauma bond for just a second and let me, if you don’t mind, give a little rant about trauma bonding? I believe in trauma bond when it comes to like two people who have been through a tornado together, for example. So they’re both maybe about to be killed by a tornado, and both hide in a basement together. The tornado goes by and they survive together. And forevermore, they have this bond they created through their shared trauma experience.

In my mind, that’s what trauma bond means. Two people who have both experienced a traumatic event together. And supported each other and relied on each other through that traumatic event. What you’re talking about is sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome. Which I also don’t think we should use that term. Because there’s some level of victim blaming. That somehow in the process of being abused, she decided she needed her abuser.

What I would prefer to call it, and if you want to continue calling it a trauma bond, be my guest if that’s helpful to you. I’m not trying to take away a helpful term, because some people have found the term trauma bond helpful.

Manufactured Relational Tether

Anne: I prefer the term I made up. That is what I call a manufactured relational tether. And the reason why I prefer to call it is because this person has created a stressful problem.

You’re not getting approval, appreciation, love, attention or whatever they create on purpose to reel you back in. It’s a manipulation tactic. So when you feel the stress of that manipulated emotion of hey, I’m not paying attention to you. Or I don’t care about you. Sort of this detachment pushes away when you expect some type of attachment or bond. They do it on purpose, and then they relieve it on purpose.

So then, you are totally relieved when you’re reattached to that person. When they create a problem that only they could solve, you feel relief, right? So it’s sort of this manufactured relational tether, and the way I like to think of it is more like a tether ball. So you are attached to this abuser on this string, and the abusive therapist hits the ball, and you’re free.

Flying through space, and you feel insecure, worried and concerned. And then the ball wraps around the pole, and for a brief moment it’s like, okay, relief. I feel good. This makes sense. I like how this feels, and then it starts to unravel. And it feels uncomfortable.

An Abusive Therapist Will Cause You To Feel Shame And Guilt

Anne: And then the abusive therapist hits it again. And to take yourself out of that manufactured relational tether, it’s going to be painful. To cut that cord. And hurl violently through space unattached. So I don’t see it as a trauma bond so much that they do it on purpose to manipulate your emotions, to make you feel attached to the abusive therapist. But it’s all manipulation. You’ll have to tell me, after you think about it for a while.

I don’t think you bond to the person. I think that what happens is you’re so much manipulated, that it feels uncomfortable to be floating in space.

Dee: What you’re saying makes a lot of sense, and I am all for any language that helps release me of some of that shame and guilt that I carry around. Because that, as much as anything, has been part of my healing, and it’s been a difficult part for me.

Anne: What happened was you were slapped around a lot. I mean, thinking of yourself as a tetherball. The only thing that gave you any semblance of security is that rope attached to you. And right now, I think what you’re feeling rather than the bond is just the wound from having to rip that rope out.

Seeking Justice & Accountability

Dee: At the end, I reached out to a friend who I knew would give it to me straight. I said to her, These are the things happening. And I don’t know what to do. She just said so clearly, “You have to stop seeing him”. And I remember telling her, but I don’t want to, like I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to leave. I don’t, I just don’t know how to do that. And I had one more session after that.

And I had her words running around in my head and could see it all. More from her eyes than my own. And that is what allows me to leave, and that was my last time to go. I text the therapist the next day and say I’m looking for a new therapist, and he said, okay, I’ve made the final charge to your credit card. Thanks for letting me know.

I confronted him a few weeks later, and I showed up at his office without an appointment, and I just said, Can we talk? I recorded our conversation and got the therapist admitting to basically all of it. Then sent that recording with my complaint to the board. I went back one other time for the same reason, just being confused and saying I want you to clarify, like are you a villain?

Are you just a weak person? Are you unethical? I don’t know who you are. I’m so confused, I don’t you know. I kept trying to make sense of it and wanting him to explain to me who he is, which I now realize is never going to happen.

The Reality Of Reporting Abuse

Anne: Yeah. Abusers will never say, I’m an abuser. I groomed you. And then I slowly abused you over time until it got worse, worse, and worse until you noticed. What is the status of your complaint right now?

Dee: So it’s been a little over a year. And I have requested an open records request, which is what I’ve sent in. Because right now the board has not contacted me at all.

So all that I had been told in the past when I called to check on the status was that my complaint is in the queue. And they said that means it hasn’t been assigned to an investigator yet.

Anne: So this abusive therapist is still practicing is the gist of the answer.

Dee: Yes. As far as I know. I’ve checked on his license a few times since then. Just in case, for whatever reason, I wasn’t contacted, and maybe something had happened. And everything looked in order online until this last time I checked. And his license is listed as delinquent.

But I talked to a lawyer and she said, really? That probably just means he didn’t pay to renew. And I guess it’s sort of this between stages of whether he will renew it or not. But the therapist still could practice even with a delinquent license.

We Need To Be Really Gentle & Empathetic With Victims Of Abuse

Anne: We also know of people who have had their license revoked and they’ve just decided to start coaching. So they just decided to start calling themselves a coach.

Dee: And what’s frustrating is that when all this is waiting to be investigated, there’s no way for anybody to know. So this whole time, if anybody did verify the therapist was licensed, they wouldn’t see there were any complaints filed. And until he let it go delinquent.

Anne: I make sure everyone is who and what they’re supposed to be here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

We don’t want anyone who has had any type of disciplinary action or complaints . But even so a lot of people will check and say, okay, well, they don’t have any complaints, so this must be a good therapist. But we hear horror stories all the time about therapists with active licenses who tell women, “Oh, you just need to have more sex with your husband”. Or, oh, you need better communication or whatever it is regarding their husband’s abuse toward them.

So the therapist doesn’t necessarily abuse them, but what the therapist doesn’t do is help them identify the abuse they are experiencing. And that is also a super traumatic experience, where you go in for help for abuse, and then you’re blamed for the abuse.

So in your case, the abusive therapist directly abuses you in the sessions. I’ve talked to you twice. And this is still, rightfully so, close to the surface for you, and that makes total sense.

The Emotional Toll of Abuse By An Abusive Therapist

Anne: What are the next steps for you in this journey?

Dee: I definitely feel like waiting to be contacted by the board has been. I don’t know that it’s holding me back so much, as it’s just this big question mark of where that’s going to go.

And I’ve even tried to prepare myself to accept whatever happens with that, because I can only tell them my side. And hope that whatever they decide is the right thing, and prevents anybody else from being abused. They’re looking into some things to see if we can even go forward. Part of me wants to get through to him the damage the abusive therapist did. And so far, I feel like he’s completely gotten away with it. It’s hard, because I feel powerless.

And so in some ways, this feels like I have a little power to go to the abusive therapist and say, you know, this has been a very traumatic experience. And I just want to get that through to him.

Anne: This is the perennial question for victims of abuse, because so many women are in this waiting stage. Where they’re waiting for mediation or divorce. Or they’re waiting to see if he’s going to file for divorce, or they’re separated, and they’re waiting to see how they feel.

They’re waiting for him to get it. They’re waiting for someone to help them understand. The damage he caused. This is a typical, common place to be. This waiting place of will he get it? Will he understand?

Grieving & Bargaining

Anne: When you think about the grieving process, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I wonder if we’re trying to get him to get it. Is part of that bargaining stage? Where you’re trying to figure out a way to have the abusive therapist know how bad this is. Regardless of what happens in court, with custody, or in any situation, they never get that.

And that’s the thing we want most, and so that’s the thing that’s so painful. And when you tell a victim that’s not going to happen, he’s not going to say that. Then it’s like, where do you go from there?

Because that’s the thing that you are waiting for. And so I think knowing that this is a stage that all victims go through and that it’s very rare that a victim ever gets justice. Hopefully you will, by the way, hopefully there’ll be some type of justice.

And I totally believe in reporting, and I believe in telling people your story, and even telling people around you. This is the name of this abusive therapist. Don’t go to this guy. You know, you can post it from wherever you want. But considering. How am I going to get through this if he continues to practice, not be held accountable, to not acknowledge anything that happened?

An Abusive Therapist Will Not Take Responsibility

Anne: That is the question on every victim’s mind, and that I don’t have the answer, and I don’t think any other victim has the answer. All I can say is that in my own experience, that time has healed that part of me. So I’m not so much in that stage anymore, which I’m grateful for. But I remember it well. And then sometimes I am in that stage. Sometimes I go back and think, when is he going to get it?

Dee: I think I recognize, even when I hope for those things, that there’s a good chance that those things won’t happen. Whether it’s maybe his license has been revoked, or having some clarity where he understands what happened and what damage was done.

There’s definitely a big part of me that realizes that’s unlikely to happen. I haven’t yet let go of that, but there are other things.

Finding Creative Outlets For Healing

Dee: Sometimes I just need to sit down and do something creative, like watercolor, and I find that healing. I write poetry, and I’ve even wondered if I could publish a book someday. You know, these are things I think about. I don’t know if they’ll happen, but trying to find a way to make something positive out of it is where my head’s been lately.

And doing this as well, being able to talk about it, I think is one more step in moving that direction. You know, feeling like if I can share what happened to me and maybe help somebody else avoid being in this situation, there’s some comfort in that and a sense of healing that can come from that.

Anne: Let’s talk about post traumatic growth for a minute. Not that we would wish this experience on anyone, and not that you went through this because you needed to grow. And not because of any of those things. Having been through it and now being a year out, can you see any part of you that has changed for the better?

Dee: Being able to speak up for myself, for example, I’ve seen a few therapists since then. And with one in particular, just having the courage to come to her and say, I needed to know how she viewed certain things. To make sure she was a good fit for me. And not ending up in a situation where I felt like therapy wasn’t helping or maybe doing more harm.

Post-Traumatic Growth

Dee: Because especially after going through this and going to therapy for this. It was important to me that I could see somebody who recognized it as abuse and didn’t cause more trauma. By blaming me and helping me recognize the abuse and all the ways that that happened.

I definitely think that’s something I didn’t have before, as well as being a little firmer in knowing who I am. Because when I saw him, there were times when he would tell me that I’m not an empathetic person, but he is. And I’ve always recognized that I was an empathetic person like that.

I feel like that’s definitely part of who I am, but I started to doubt that when he kept telling me that that wasn’t the case. And now, of course, I completely disagree with his characterization of me. I think I’m still definitely in the process of getting to a place where I can clearly see where I’m stronger and in a better place. A place where it’s still a work in progress. I think I’ve just felt really wounded. I don’t want to always feel that way.

Advice For Therapy Seekers

Anne: Is there any advice after this horrific experience of being abused by a therapist for almost a year, what advice would you give to other women who are going to therapy or trying to get help?

Dee: Being educated on what their ethical standards are. I feel like it would be great if anybody before they started therapy knew about those things. I was able to print off all the ethical standards in Texas for therapists. And unfortunately, I read them after my experience. I feel like if I had been educated in that, maybe I would have recognized things much earlier on that were unethical.

I can’t say how I would have handled it. But I’d like to think that if I recognized those things earlier, it may have helped me avoid being in the position I ended up in. So I think just recognizing what’s okay and what’s not okay in therapy.

You know, one thing he did was talk about himself, talk about his personal life, and go into details about his family. And even to the point of him telling me that he thought maybe his mom had had an affair. Because he thought his youngest brothers didn’t look like him. That they only looked like his mom, and not like him and his dad. And, you know, obviously now I realize that that was way over the line. On what kind of information should have been given about his personal life.

If you’re in therapy and there’s any phone conversations or texting outside of therapy, the only topics that should be talked about are appointment times. There shouldn’t be conversational type texting going on or phone conversations that are not related to therapy going on. Having those boundaries protects the client.

It Is The Therapist’s Responsibility To Be Ethical

Dee: Therapy shouldn’t have confused me. And my therapist, you know, walking into his office was inconsistent in how he would behave towards me. Sometimes he could be really cold and distant and have a curt tone with me. And I felt like he didn’t like me, or he was angry with me. And having him tell me that I manipulated him was a pretty extreme example.

But just even something as small as sharing an article with him. That I felt relevant to my situation. And when I asked him in the session if he had read it, he was rude to me about it. Being able to look back on that now, I see how unprofessional he was sometimes with me. And just that inconsistency of not knowing what I was walking into, not knowing which version of him I was going to have that day.

Anne: A lot of us see this with our exes where they’re inconsistently giving our children approval.

So because our children are safe with us, they care more about what their father thinks, because he’s intermittently kind to them, or he’s intermittently involved in their lives. And so then when they show up, it’s like, Oh, he showed up. And they’re so excited. Whereas when the consistent mom shows up and she’s always there, they’re not as excited because they just expect it.

The Harm Of Victim Blaming

Dee: My therapist who deals with psychological abuse was helpful in pointing that out to me and even talking about the brain chemistry involved. Like you were saying about victim blaming and the trauma bond. That fits into that, because I didn’t understand why I felt the way I felt. Until she was able to explain to me about the hormones and the ways that your body reacts to these things.

Anne: Yeah, it’s some type of manufactured tether that you experience due to his abuse. One of the things we talk about frequently here, which I want to remind people, is that it’s unethical to do couple therapy with your abuser. So you should not be going to couple therapy with someone who’s exhibiting abusive behaviors. That is unethical.

It’s also unethical when you are a victim of abuse for your therapist to blame you in any way, shape, or form for the abuse. And that happens frequently. When women try to get help from perhaps a pornography addiction recovery specialist, who is like, Okay, well your husband’s part is this and then your part is this.

You need to communicate better, you need to not shame him, you need to do this, this, and this. To blame a victim for her own abuse is not ethical. The ethical thing to do is help the victim get to safety, whatever that means and whatever that looks like. So I just want to remind people when we’re talking about therapy and ethical ways of doing therapy, that pornography is an abuse issue. And so anyone looking at it from a different lens, I believe, is looking at it from an unethical lens.

An Abusive Therapist May Use Pornography

Anne: And that is where we hear all the horror stories of women returning and saying he told me I needed to have more sex. Or that I needed to be kind, or that I needed to be patient. Okay, so Dee and I have talked privately. And many details she gave me, the way he talked to her, the things he said, indicated to me that this man was a pornography addict.

So some of the things he said made me think this guy is a porn addict and probably a sexual predator, meaning he thinks having sex with multiple women is just a form of entertainment. Why don’t you talk about that for a little bit?

Dee: I remember him talking about how, I don’t remember if he was speaking as just men in general, or himself specifically. But I remember him saying that sex didn’t have to be anything emotional. It could be purely a physical thing to enjoy. And that even in his own personal life, he had discussed that with one particular woman. But then after they engaged in sex, she said things that made him believe she was getting emotionally involved, and he was surprised by that.

He said, well, we just had that talk. And so what you’re saying about how he viewed sex, I definitely feel like there were things he talked about that show evidence of that.

Anne: I would venture to say that someone who thinks sex is entertainment will hurt people.

An Abusive Therapist Is Unsafe

Dee: I do remember thinking it was strange that he would make these comments, but I think it just so often that, you know, they would happen here and there and not in every session. It was easier to just sort of brush them off if once every few weeks something like that was said.

Whereas if it had been consistent each time or numerous times in a session. Maybe that would have, you know, the alarm bells would have been screaming a little louder. But it was easy to sort of brush it off.

Anne: I’m not sure if the therapists who tell victims hey, well, what are you doing, could you be more sexual? Or you’re probably not safe enough for him to tell the truth. Who knows if they are pornography users, but the thing we know is they don’t understand abuse.

So you brought up knowing the ethical parameters and boundaries that you should have with your therapist. What is normal or not in a therapy session, and then also being educated about abuse. About this world of sex addiction that many people call an addiction, which really is just abusive behavior. What that looks like and sounds like is sexual assault.

Because part of what you’ve described to me sounds like verbal sexual assault, where he’s talking about these sexual things in really detailed ways. In ways that make you feel very uncomfortable. At the very least, I guess it would be sexual harassment from your therapist is probably the correct definition.

Deciding Whether Or Not To See A Therapist

Dee: I was really unfamiliar with abuse just in general. And so, all of this has been a huge learning experience for me. Unfortunately, having to learn it the hard way. I’m sure that healing should be my focus, but part of that process of healing feels like needing to take action.

I just want to find meaningful ways to do that. I think finding some purpose and positive things to come out of this is really important to me.

Anne: Hopefully this experience will be a positive one, sharing your story. And helping women know that the answer that everyone gives. When you’ve got a problem or you seem distressed that clergy, friends and family, will be, Have you seen a therapist?

Therapy can be helpful. But it can also be harmful. So many times, a victim’s right and true reactions to trauma, which are sadness and depression. With an inability to concentrate, which is a hard time reading or making decisions.

The answer could be therapy, but it could just be a hug from a friend who tells you, Hey, I love you. How you’re acting is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you. And so this question of therapy is one that I want victims to consider. To know, do you just need support and validation for acting in appropriate ways in a crazy situation?

Or is there something “wrong” with you that you need therapy for? I would say in so many cases, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re amazing, brave, beautiful and strong. You may need support. The easiest, safest place to go for help is obviously Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, and you can see the session schedule at BTR.ORG.

A Support Person Helps You Get To Safety

Anne: You may need individual coaching to help you see what next steps to take, but is there something wrong with you deep down that you need therapy for? I don’t see it. I see a bunch of amazing, strong, brave women who are doing the best they can in difficult circumstances. In your case, you are struggling with anxiety and depression that required therapy. You wanted to go to therapy and get help. And in your vulnerable state, you were abused in that situation.

So considering what your actual problem is important. I don’t think just this blanket, oh, go to therapy, is the answer for everyone. And also, take stock of whether the therapy is actually helping you. If it’s actually helping you get to safety, if it’s actually helping you feel more peace.

And actually helping you get a handle on your anxiety, or whatever it’s you’re going through, great. But know that so many women who come to Betrayal Trauma Recovery have been deeply injured from therapy, including Dee. So that’s just a thought that I’d like to leave you with.

Dee: I know that going to therapy after that experience has helped me. But I would say that finding a community is just as helpful, of people who have been through similar situations. And even just sharing that we are feeling the same things. That has been, every bit as helpful as therapy has been, if not more.

Finding Community Through The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast

Anne: How have you found the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helpful?

Dee: There’s a lot of overlap in recognizing the patterns of abuse, just feeling validated in my experience and feelings, and seeing other women. And the strength they have, and they might be further along in their process than I am, and just being able to recognize. That in time, I’ll be there too. It’s just not something that I can rush myself through. And try to give myself grace to go through the place I’m at now to get to that place later on.

Anne: You can’t go around, over or under it. You just have to go through it. And that’s the part that stinks. And other people want you to go over it. They want you to just get over it! They say that often, right? And it’s like, well, I can’t get over it. I have to go through it. But thanks for nothing, pal.

Dee: Well intentioned comments of that nature, I’ve definitely heard. And the nice thing, like I said, about having a community experiencing it now or has experienced it in the past is they get that. That’s not necessarily helpful. Maybe just saying, you know what, I completely understand how you’re feeling, and I’ve been there too. And you know, be kind to yourself.

Anne: And we’re here for you through that process. Thank you so much, Dee, for sharing your story and your courage.