Did you just find porn on your husband’s phone or computer? Most women who experience this ask, “I found porn on my husband’s phone. What do I do?!”

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Cristy, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, joins Anne Blythe, M.Ed. on the free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to talk about when her husband lied to her for years, and how she discovered his secret.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: Expect Him To Manipulate, Lie, and Gaslight

Most porn users will manipulate, gaslight, and lie to their partners. It’s important to porn users to protect their secret sexual behaviors and maintain the privileges they receive from being “good guys”.

“I found porn on my husbands phone,” Manipulation, gaslighting, and lying may follow, it can look like:

• 
  
• Flat-out denial of the pornography use, whether there is evidence or not (in cases where there is evidence, he might say, “I have no idea how that got on my phone, it must have been the kids/my brother/a co-worker)
  
• Blaming the victim (if you would ____, I wouldn’t have to use it)
  
• Minimization (I downloaded it but I didn’t look at it; I looked at it but I didn’t masturbate; I texted her but never had sex with her)
  
• Blame-shifting: “Why are you checking my phone in the first place?”
  
• Partial truths: “I was just studying for a test and it popped up – I did look at it, but I wasn’t searching for it”
  
• Gaslighting with questions like, “Do you really think so low of me?” “How could you accuse me of something like that?”
  

When You Find Porn On Your Husband’s Phone…It’s Never Only Porn Use

Understand that even though you may have discovered pornographic content, pornography is never a standalone issue.

Abusive men use pornography. Ask a healthy friend or schedule a session with a BTR coach to help you thoroughly scan your relationship to understand what kinds of abuse you are living with.

Further, sexually perverse behaviors, like pornography use, are just a branch on a very sick tree. Pornography is almost always accompanied by any combination of the following:

• 
  
• Secretive masturbation
  
• Sexual coercion
  
• Fantasy
  
• Emotional affairs
  
• Solicitation of prostitutes
  
• Child sexual abuse material (formerly known as child pornography)
  
• Consensual affairs
  
• Marital rape
  
• Marital sexual assault
  
• Voyeurism
  
• Sexual exploitation of a spouse
  

Transcript: I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone

Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. Her name is Cristy. She’s going to talk about finding pornography on her husband’s phone. Welcome Cristy

Cristy: Thank you.

Anne: Just like so many members of our community, you went through. Years and years of pain, but you didn’t understand what was happening.

Cristy: No, I did not. We both went to a Christian college that’s where we met and we talked through our values. after we graduated, we got married.

Our first year of marriage, I knew something was wrong and couldn’t pinpoint it. I asked him and he lied he yelled a lot I even at one point had found myself in the car for hours, not knowing where else to go. I knew something was wrong.

https://youtube.com/shorts/mHgIHT2Dtrw

Discovering Porn On My Husband’s Phone

Cristy: Then I found porn on my husbands phone. He said he had looked at it and I firmly said well, I’d like to go to counseling together about this. It’s very hurtful towards me I don’t think this is something good. You know, I want to be there for you and be enough for you like, this isn’t good for either one of us.

Cristy: So we went to counseling together, he treated it as an isolated incident. He didn’t yell at me anymore, he was very regretful, remorseful, could see how it hurt me, never wanted to do that again. Now I know he lied, but I didn’t know at the time.

Anne: It’s really interesting that you say that, because what I see there is that he became better at manipulating you.

Cristy: Yes, I know that now. Yeah.

Anne: It was less obvious because he wasn’t yelling at you anymore, but he was still lying to you, manipulating you, and hiding the truth from you. So really, he just got better at psychological abuse as a result of couple therapy. It’s so hard for us to understand. It was hard for me to understand.

The things that I viewed as good, like once he started going to therapy, he didn’t yell as much. Sometimes he acted nicer. But I didn’t get that it was coming from a place of manipulation, so it wasn’t like he was good and then he was bad. He was always bad. But then the bad felt good sometimes because of the grooming. So he’s grooming you.

Secret Alcohol Use

Anne: But things still don’t feel right. What do you do at that point?

Cristy: I’m like, Oh, are you still looking at it? He said he had people he felt comfortable talking to about that and I said, okay, are you talking to them? You know, I just try trusting him and then life got busy. I pushed it to the back of my brain like, this isn’t going on. I think he got a smartphone. It was happening. but I couldn’t see it and didn’t know it was going on.

Anne: In the meantime, I’m guessing the manipulation and the lying and the gaslighting was still occurring.

Cristy: It was. We fast forward a couple of years and now I see lying in other sins. So in our basement, like hidden away, I found a vodka bottle. So now I know he’s hiding and lying about drinking liquor alone.

And I expressed that concern. I don’t think it’s healthy for either one of us to drink alone and can we come to that agreement? He agreed to that, but later on continued that as well. I knew when I found evidence that those were lies, but until hearing The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, I didn’t realize how much it was emotional abuse.

He knew what he was doing the whole time. But until I heard The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast this pattern continued.

https://youtu.be/xrGAbqxclZ4

Surprise Pregnancy

Cristy: I was on birth control. I take it like religiously same time every day. It had worked for years and it did not. We were having a surprise baby and he made comments like, now I’m going to have another child. I’m going to screw up and he’s going to end up in counseling because of me.

I’m never going to have freedom ever again. When I had to tell him that was pregnant, that’s when I first started seeing him spiral.

I was four weeks postpartum, and he comes home like shaking, having anxiety attacks. This is when I started like, okay, I’ll give him space. What do I need to do to love him more? Do all the things in the house.

I’m, I stay at home mom, so I’m taking care of a four year old, a two year old, three month old, doing all the things I can, and nothing seems to be working.

I went to see my parents for the weekend. Like, you rest up, do everything you can, and I’m going to come back. When I came back, I realized even that wasn’t going to help him.

He was blaming it on the baby, like I’m depressed. The drinking and the lying about that increased, so I was noticing all this and for months I worked really hard and realized I wasn’t helping him. I said I’m going go to counseling then because I don’t know how to be the best mom, the best wife, and caretaker for everybody and he was like, okay.

Go ahead. So I did. And it was frustrating because, of course, I wanted him to go or for us to go together. But he didn’t want to.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone And It Was A Sign Of A Bigger Problem

Cristy: So about a year ago I saw him texting heart emojis on his phone late one night, and I approached him about that. When I did, he deleted it, denied anything was going on. I remembered the last time I found porn on my husband’s phone.

He gave me the code to his phone, saying I’ve got nothing to hide. Even Christmas morning, I was still processing it, crying on the floor. He was in the room with the kids, playing with all the toys. I was sad thinking about having to share my kids with him and another woman and later on I told him and he denied it and said, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

He said, “I love you. I want you. I want this family and there’s nothing I do to put that in jeopardy.”

And I was like, “Okay.” I had the code to his phone and he would drink at night and it interacted with his antidepressant medicine.

I would see just his eyes get so heavy and he’d get knocked out like that. I even tried to wake him up one time to talk to him and he was incoherent. Then I would get his phone. There was a text message from a coworker three years ago when they were on a work trip and it was like, come on back at 12:15 AM or, you’ll have to carry me back to my hotel room at 3 AM.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: It Led To Me Finding Out About An Affair

I showed him, I was like, “What is this? It looks like you’ve been with another woman and you’re texting her and we’re in the hospital with our newborn, or you’re texting about birthday presents.”

He said, “You know, no, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” And I he denied anything happened.

Regardless, this is an inappropriate emotional relationship. He said he didn’t agree, but would respect me enough to stop. And then as he was walking out the door, he had an anxiety attack on the steps that night too. I was like, is this my life now?

Anne: A carefully contrived anxiety attack perhaps. I’m of the opinion it was a contrived anxiety attack to control you and manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

Cristy: Yeah, so these were all little things. Again, I was finding him drinking throughout the day and denying that and he would say this is the only thing I can control.

We stopped having sex. We would try and he physically could not. I was starting to think, oh, something’s wrong with me or you’re cheating on me. He’d say, no, I love you. I’d never do that to you.

I picked up his phone and it’s a different phone than mine. So I had to work hard, but I found a, like on the computer, there’s like a downloads file. I found porn on my husband’s phone again.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: When I Looked Deeper I Found Out He’d Been Soliciting Prostitutes

Cristy: I guess your phone saves what you download to you, even if you transfer phones. I found an STD test result from three years ago, and then also like a menu of, I still don’t know if it was like phone sex or prostitute, but pictures and pricing, uh, with a woman. It was so much more that “just” finding porn on my husband’s phone.

I said, what is this? What are you doing? I didn’t know at the time, but he fed me another lie of, I was on a work trip. I met a woman, we didn’t have sex. And I said, we might as well have, if you felt like you had to go get an STD test. He said, well, you’re not perfect either. And I was like, Oh, I never said I was.

And I, you know, I’ve held up every one of our marriage vows. The next day was our daughter’s first birthday and he had to stay in the house. Like I couldn’t wake up the next day and he not be there for this daughter’s birthday for some reason. So he stayed in the house for about five to seven days.

So I continued to see my counselor and when everything went down, I said, I need to see you every week. She said, but I’m not trained in this. She’s really into the Enneagram, which has helped me too.

After I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Helped Me Figure Out What To Do Next

I just started Googling betrayal trauma groups, recovery, I came across The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast and I’m a big runner. When I run a lot on the treadmill while the kids are still asleep, but I just listened and it just opened my eyes hearing other people’s stories similar to mine. I think there was one in particular and I wrote this down cause it spoke to me.

She said, “I had to work hard”. It was on me all the time, because everything was falling apart because of me. She did her best to please her husband and be the best she could be, but it was never enough. And she gave and gave and gave and all he did was take. I remember I sent that one to my mom, and I said, this was my story too.

Then I started to reduce time with my counselor from once a week so I could add in the funds to go to The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group. I can go while the kids are asleep, it’s a safe place.

Anne: Once you started listening to the podcast, were you surprised that you had been abused for so long and that you didn’t know?

Cristy: Yes. I think on The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Instagram had the picture of alcoholics abuse alcohol. Drug addicts abuse drugs and porn addicts abuse people. It’s not just I found porn on my husband’s phone, there is so much more to it.

He admitted it to later on saying, I took advantage of you. I knew what I was doing the whole time. I would have never told you. Things would have gotten worse. Hearing that and hearing from the podcast, how it’s so oftentimes we say like, oh, porn’s bad. I’m sorry.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: It’s Not “Just” Pornography

I did it. It’s okay. Like just don’t do it again. It’s not that scenario. It’s no, he admitted I wanted to live two separate lives. I knew what I was doing the whole time, and that just opened my eyes like he did this anyways, like he risked me our marriage, our kids, and he said yeah, why did you let your addiction ruin our family?

All he could say was like, I’m sorry. I’ve told him, I’ve looked him in the eyes and said, I could never trust you again because of the way you’ve emotionally abused me. You looked me straight in the eyes for years when I said, Are you cheating on me? Are you doing this? No, I love you. I’d never do that to you.

Trust me. I want you. I want our family. And he was doing that just so I wouldn’t continue down the detective mode rabbit hole trying to figure out what was going on and wasn’t getting any answers. After I just looked at him and I knew we couldn’t keep doing this.

Cristy: He had kept the finances from me, our whole marriage. He would like screenshot the statement that would answer my question. I would be like, no, can I have the logins. He was like, oh yeah, yeah. But never would give them to me because he knew there was evidence there.

Finally I was pushing, I need every login, I need to see exactly what’s being spent where? He had called me after binge drinking for a little bit.

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: He Had So Many Secrets

Cristy: He said, I have more to tell you.

I have paid for services. I’ve been with at least four prostituted women. When you saw me text messaging over Christmas, I was sex texting somebody. I was like, okay, I’m done. Like, do you have anything else to tell me? He said, no. It took me another week. I got into the finances. Actually, my dad was patient and gracious with me to sit down because I was so scared.

Finally put it all together. So the first prostitute was in 2017 when you’re on a work trip here. You paid for with cash you got here. I had to get the whole picture.

Anne: Yeah, that’s something that we talk about in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop quite a bit is make sure you have access to the finances. So I’m really glad you got access to the finances and that you could start putting the pieces of the puzzle together and see reality.

Anne: You mentioned that you attended Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions can you talk about your experience?

Cristy: From the coaches in the other women somebody said this is not a club. Anybody wants to be a part of, but I’m thankful for it. I’m in my young thirties with three small kids and then. I’ve seen a woman in her 70s and 80s been married and has grandkids, and she’s walking the same path I am.

Finding Support From Betrayal Trauma Recovery

The coaches hear all the stories, right? We have this common thread of porn addiction. It could also be infidelity, in my case, prostitution. Many women say, “I found porn on my husband’s phone”, but then find out so much more. But, they’re also different. So we each get a chance to share that, to get feedback from the other women and coaches. For me personally, just processing it all, what’s it like to move forward?

Anne: As victims, once you get the appropriate glasses on and look at this through the lens of abuse, rather than he needs help or has anxiety problems. You reframe everything that happened in the past with the new glasses that make everything so clear.

Cristy: When he would feed me this lie of like, I’ll go to counseling with you but he knew the whole time what he was doing and he was never going to say anything. When I found porn on my husband’s phone, that was a lot to take in.

Now I have those glasses on, like you said, I would replay as much as I could remember of our whole marriage and trying to figure out what was lies or manipulation and what wasn’t. At this point, one of the coaches made a good point of like, do you know what you already need to know now?

I Found Porn On My Husband’s Phone: Trusting Yourself

There’s no need for all that, like replaying or digging. You know, I can’t even see his device anymore, but I think I’ve seen and heard enough that I can make my decisions now and moving forward. That’s the hardest piece trusting your gut, which sometimes I would. My problem was I didn’t have the evidence until I found what I found.

Just trusting yourself. If something’s not right, right. Had I said any of those things to him, he would have lied. He would have never admitted had I not had point blank evidence. Cause he lied. When we were in counseling together, but trust yourself, trust your gut, get safety.

Cristy: I don’t think I realized what that meant as far as like emotional safety until he’s been gone and I realized I don’t have to tiptoe around my house.

I don’t have to be detective I can create a safe and healthy space for me and my girls. We’re going be honest with each other and treat each other with respect. This is what it means for you to have boundaries even as a three and five year old With your emotions and with your body, too.

Anne: Well, I’m so grateful that you found us and that you’re part of our community and thank you so much for sharing your story today

Cristy: Thank you.

Anne: I appreciate Cristy’s courage to share her story on today’s episode. If you’d like to share your story, I would be honored to hear it. Please message podcast@btr.org to set up an interview with my assistant. We all grow stronger and have epiphanies as we work together to truly understand this.