Abusers are enabled, as these myths are embedded into the population: therapists, clergy, friends, family, and neighbors, and random people on the internet, like a recent Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast reviewer who left a comment riddled with the 7 Toxic Myths about Emotional Abuse.

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7 Toxic Myths About Emotional Abuse

1. 
   
2. Women with strong opinions, religious views, and world views should not be taken seriously.
   
3. Emotional abuse advocates usually try to find someone to listen to their own story, and aren’t actually helping victims.
   
4. If it doesn’t include physical violence, it’s not abuse.
   
5. If it only happens once, or occasionally, it’s not abuse.
   
6. A man can harm his partner, and it’s not technically abuse.
   
7. Pornography use isn’t abuse.
   
8. Betrayal isn’t abuse.
   

These myths are dangerous: they enable abusers to keep abusing and they encourage victims to stay in abusive situations.

7 Powerful Truths About Emotional Abuse

1. 
   
2. All women deserve a voice, especially victims of emotional abuse. As women share their stories, they can begin the journey to healing. Furthermore, strong world views, opinions and perspectives are absolutely necessary for women to begin healing. In an abusive situation, it is black and white: there is an abuser and a victim. There is the truth and there are lies. It does not take “two to tango,” and there are not “two sides” to the story of abuse.
   
3. The most powerful advocates for victims of abuse, are survivors of abuse! As women courageously tell their stories to other victims, powerful communities filled with hope, healing, and validation are created.
   
4. Physical battery is absolutely abusive, but there are many other forms of abuse that are equally destructive to another human being. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual coercion, and betrayal are all forms of abuse that are just as serious as physical violence.
   
5. When a man harms a woman, even once, it is abuse. Pure and simple. The phrase “isolated incident” has enabled too many abusers and has put too many women in mortal danger.
   
6. Harm is another word for abuse. If someone is harming you, they are abusing you.
   
7. Pornography is abuse: it’s abusive to partners, it’s abusive to children, it’s abusive to the women and children used in the pornography industry.
   
8. Betrayal is an excruciating form of emotional abuse.
   

Transcript: 7 Truths About Emotional Abuse

Anne: Today, I’m going to talk about seven toxic myths about emotional abuse.

What Can Be Learned From A Bad Review?

And this man’s review illustrates every one of these toxic myths. It’s the perfect example of what every victim is accused of when she’s trying to get to safety. It’s a perfect example of all the reasons she can’t get help, of all the reasons people dismiss her concerns.

So here is his review. He says, “To be fair, there are some nuggets of truth in this podcast. But there are still disproportionate numbers of problematic things going on with it. First of all, there seems to be a clear agenda with this podcast.”

This statement makes me laugh, because it’s obvious there’s a clear agenda. He’s saying that like it’s a bad thing that I have a clear agenda. Of course, there’s a clear agenda. I say every week that men who use pornography and commit adultery lie, manipulate, and psychologically abuse their wives. Pornography, use adultery, lying manipulation, gas-lighting are abusive to your wife. So, yes, you hit the nail on the head.

https://youtube.com/shorts/oK159VgBNyo

Religious Overtones and Anti-Porn Sentiment

Then he says, “It has lots of religious overtones and strong anti-porn sentiment.”

So here, he says if you’re religious, you should be dismissed. Because if you’re religious, then your opinions don’t matter apparently. And then secondly, if you oppose pornography, then you should be discounted. Why?

I don’t know. On the betrayal trauma recovery team, we have agnostics, Catholics, Evangelicals, women from different faiths. We are interfaith and inner paradigm here. And all the women on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Team are anti porn because porn is abusive. So, if he says we shouldn’t be listened to because we think porn is abusive.

He’s entitled to his opinion. We just disagree. So sir, religious people can be logical, and they can have something important to say. Also, people opposed to porn can be decent logical people. But people who don’t want to see pornography as abusive will use any reason they can to discount people opposed to porn.

Validating Personal Experiences

Anne: Then he says, “It comes across as the host uses the podcast to validate her own experiences and values”.

Yes. Totally. And all of the other women’s experiences too, because we all share the same story.

My name Anne Blythe is from Anne of Green Gables. It’s symbolic of the universal story. That all of us who have experienced this type of abuse share. I podcast and share my personal story as a spokesperson for all of us and an archetype for all of us.

Then I invite you to share your stories, and they all sound so similar. This podcast gives victims a voice, because we’ve all been silenced. Men like this, institutions and therapists, and all kinds of people, have tried to silence us.

Effective Advocacy: A Misunderstanding

Then he says, “This is not what effective advocacy looks like.”

But he doesn’t suggest what effective advocacy for abuse victims should look like. Also, how would he know? Is he an abuse victim? According to him, a good advocate can’t have a clear agenda. They can’t speak from their own personal experience, they can’t be religious.

They can’t hate porn. And they can’t highlight other women’s stories and educate women about emotional and psychological abuse or sexual coercion through stories. I think this is an abuser who doesn’t want any woman to talk. Or any abuse victim to share their story?

Or would he like us to advocate like the therapists do or the clergy where they’re like? Maybe the abusers should come on and share his side of the story. Like no. No. He says, “This podcast is about promoting a specific perspective.”

Absolutely. This is about the specific perspective of the victim. I’m not interested in hearing from the abuser, if that’s what you mean, is that what he means? Who wants to hear from the abuser?

The Definition of Abuse

Then he says, “The host is not using definitions of abuse universally accepted by professionals in the field.”

That’s just not true. All domestic abuse advocates universally accept that manipulation and lying are psychological abuse, gas-lighting is psychological abuse. This is just industry standard abuse education. Then he says, “Not all dysfunction and harm is abuse”. And while it’s true that not all dysfunction is abuse.

If someone consistently harms someone all the time. What would he call it? Because that’s maybe what the therapists are trying to say too, that, oh, he doesn’t do it on purpose. But if someone does something harmful over and over. What else would we call it? Would we just say, well, your husband is consistently harmful, but he’s a good guy? There’s a word for it.

It’s called the abuse.

Then he says, “Harm is still harm and it’s not okay. But abuse is one partner systematically using tactics to gain and maintain control over the other partner”. Well, he nailed it there. That is the definition of abuse. But gas lighting is doing that manipulation, lying, and betrayal.

They’re trying to keep the truth from their wife. So they can continue to cheat on her. That’s exactly what we’re talking about. He has the correct definition for abuse, using tactics to gain and maintain power and control, but then he’s denying that manipulation, gas-lighting, lying, deceit, are abusive. That makes no sense.

Then I love the next thing he says.

The Complexity of Abuse

He says, “It’s not about isolated incidents of harm or even ongoing issues of betrayal,” so he’s saying abuse can’t be isolated. Apparently, and it can’t be ongoing.

All abuse is one of those two things. Then he says, “not all porn use is abuse”. He has a right to his opinion. I just 100% disagree with it. All porn is abusive, and then he says, “It’s dangerous to conflate the two.” Which I just flat out disagree with him. I think all pornography is evidence or documentation of someone being sexually coerced. They might be being coerced with money.

Then he says, “Being betrayed is not necessarily a systematic attempt to dominate the other partner.” Uh, well, then what is it? To discount the other partner. To undermine the partner.

Here, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we see systematic lies, and systematic gas lighting is an absolute systematic attempt to dismiss her as a human being, to dismiss her concerns. To dismiss her feelings, to dismiss her values, to dismiss her sexual needs, her emotional needs and her psychological needs.

Then he writes, “There are many instances through this podcast where it’s suggested victims should try to work it out or give their spouse a chance”. Um, I don’t know if I’ve ever said that.

Safety Over Divorce

Anne: All I’ve ever talked about and advocated for is safety. Safety safety, safety, emotional safety, psychological safety. I think the thing bothering this guy is that I’m not going to tell victims of abuse what that means for them.

I always say safety should be the top priority. Does that mean divorce? Maybe it doesn’t mean separation, maybe. I’m not about to tell you what it means. This man apparently thinks he knows what safety means for abuse victims. Not just this guy, but many people accuse me of two completely different things, which is like pro divorce or anti man, or anti-family.

Then also telling people that what I talk about isn’t abuse. And I’m like, number one, I’m not pro divorce or anti man. Number two, it is abuse. So let’s talk about this dichotomy, that men, therapists, and other people are so confused about. So pro-safety just means that I want women to be emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, spiritually safe.

That’s it. I never encourage women to stay in an abusive situation.

Divorce Doesn’t Solve The Abuse

But what people who’ve never been through this don’t understand is that divorce does not solve the abuse. My ex post divorce abused me for eight years. We help women who are still being abused. Post-divorce at BTR every day.

So whether a woman is married or divorced, she could still be abused. So that’s why safety must be the goal. Not necessarily divorce. Could it include divorce, or should it yes, maybe, or maybe not like? Who am I to say? I just want her safe. That’s it.

So he says, “I understand the sentiment, but if it truly is an abusive relationship, encouraging a victim to stay as dangerous.” I’m encouraging her to get to safety.

The other problem with his solution is like, okay, if it’s abuse, get divorced. Which is what every domestic violence shelter will tell you. Then they can’t help you once you’re divorced and still being abused. So safety isn’t the top priority in these cases.

Empowering Victims to Make Decisions

Anne: The other issue is the most victims who are being abused. They don’t know that they’re being abused. And so they’re not at the point where they can like, think about their emotional safety yet, because maybe she goes to a therapist, probably like this guy. He tells her this is not abuse. Then she doesn’t necessarily realize she’s not emotionally safe. It takes a while to figure out.

So to try and tell a woman like the second, you know, it’s abuse, get divorced. Doesn’t make sense, because it takes a while to figure it out. Women have to try a few things. They have to go through the process. I’ve never met any woman in the world who immediately is like, he’s abusive. Usually, they try to have a conversation with them. They go to therapy, they do a bunch of things to figure out if he’s abusive, and that process takes time. Clearly, he has not been through this, or he would understand that.

At BTR, I want to give victims space to make the right decision for themselves, whatever that is. I also want to educate them about what abuse is and what safety is.

I’m Also A Trained Domestic Violence Advocate

He says one more thing. “As a trained domestic violence advocate and community educator, I feel the need to point out some of these problematic things.” I’m also a trained domestic violence advocate and a community educator. So. Who wins you or me? Like. Does he not know that I’m also a trained domestic violence advocate and a community educator.

Apparently he doesn’t know this. So if that’s. His criteria, then he should be like, oh, I didn’t know that she was a trained domestic violence advocate. Now that I know that. I guess everything she’s saying is okay. Or now that I know she’s a community educator. He’s dismissing all of us victims. He’s dismissing me. For all the reasons he just said, he’s dismissing you.

He’s dismissing all our experience. It’s an example of those seven toxic myths about emotional abuse that I started with. And you might get these from clergy therapists, professionals, your abuser, you’ve probably heard them already. And that’s why I started Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and as Anne Blythe, I’m a spokesperson for you.

I take the heat for this, because I get messages like this all the time. I appreciate your prayers and support, because this type of confrontation is something I regularly experience online through emails or people accusing me of things that aren’t true. Obviously, like this guy who is contradicting himself throughout his review.

It’s common for people who haven’t been through it not to understand how complex the situation is for victims. They’re trying to simplify it and not give victims the power to make choices that are right for her. So safety, safety safety here at BTR. Okay.

Seven Powerful Truths About Emotional Abuse

Anne: And now to the seven powerful truths about emotional abuse. Let’s start with

#1 Truth About Emotional Abuse

Any time a man knowingly compromises his wife’s emotional safety, psychological safety, or sexual safety, and harms her emotionally, physically, spiritually, or psychologically, he is abusing her.

#2 Truth About Emotional Abuse

All women deserve a voice, especially victims of emotional abuse. As women share their stories, they can begin the journey to healing. Strong opinions and perspectives are absolutely necessary for women to begin healing. In an abusive situation, there is an abuser and a victim.

There is truth and lies. So we don’t need to hear two sides of this story. Just hearing the victim story is enough.

#3 Truth About Emotional Abuse

The most powerful advocates for victims of abuse are survivors of abuse. As women courageously tell their stories to other victims, we build powerful communities, filled with hope, healing and validation, and our community here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery is incredible.

#4 Truth About Emotional Abuse

Physical battery is absolutely abusive, but there are many other forms of abuse that are equally destructive to another human being. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual coercion and betrayal are all forms of abuse that are just as serious as physical violence. And for myself, I’ve experienced both, and I would say the emotional and psychological abuse were much more difficult to heal from.

#5 Truth About Emotional Abuse

When a man harms a woman, even once. In an effort to overpower her or gain control. It’s abuse. Pure and simple. The phrase, isolated incident, has enabled many abusers to put many women in danger, emotional danger, psychological danger, but also physical danger. An isolated incident of murder.

It’s all it takes. But also an isolated incident of soliciting a prostitute. He would like you to think it’s an isolated incident, but the likelihood of his pornography use, his betrayal, or his lies being an isolated incident is actually quite low.

#6 Truth About Emotional Abuse

Harm is another word for abuse. If someone is continually harming you, that is abuse.

#7 Truth About Emotional Abuse

Pornography is abuse. It’s abusive to the women in the pornography, it’s also abusive. To a marriage, it’s abusive to a family. It’s abusive to children. It’s abusive to everyone, betrayal is also a form of abuse.

Support and Community For Emotional Abuse Victims

Thank you to this man who helped me teach you the seven toxic myths about emotional abuse and seven powerful truths about emotional abuse. This guy really exposed what it feels like to be attacked when you start talking about abuse, and all of you have experienced this from somebody. So you know exactly what it’s like, and I appreciate your support.

I appreciate all of you who have given this podcast a positive five star review and an explanation of why this podcast works for you. It makes a huge difference. to drown out. The reviews from men or the reviews from abusers saying this podcast is bad because we don’t get the perspective of the abuser. It makes a huge difference to have your support, and I appreciate it.

So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, BTR.ORG is an incredible community where victims come together and can be emotionally safe and validated. So many women out there pray to know what’s going on. They are searching for help.

Another place where you can help by giving a five-star review with your explanation is on Amazon. If you’ve purchased Trauma Mama Husband Drama, which is my picture book for adults. So reviewing this podcast, reviewing Trauma Mama, sharing this information could be an answer. to someone’s prayer.

I hear so many victims talk about how they couldn’t figure out what was going on and they prayed. And then they found this podcast.

So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your support. No matter what your paradigm is, no matter where you come from. All of us can stand up and advocate for abuse victims.