Narcissism is a word we see everywhere these days. It’s a part of our weaponised language. The everyday vernacular we use to label and divide ourselves from one another. An easy shot to shut down a conversation and discredit a person.
When we recognise the impact narcissists make on our lives we can improve our lives immeasurably. By understanding the difference between ‘Grandiose Narcissists’ and ‘Vulnerable Narcissists’, we can recognise them when we encounter them.
Not in order to name call. But in order to brace and protect ourselves, so we can choose how to respond from within. And avoid being drawn into the vicious circles and destructive dances they want us to play.
Highly sensitive people and introverts can get caught in these dances. At work. In their personal relationships. And with public figures who act in fascinatingly egotistical ways. Behaviours that we can’t stop look at.
But like with everything, when we overuse words like this, we risk wringing them dry of any meaning and usefulness.

‘The Narcissist’
A ‘Narcissist’ is a person who embodies the pathological characteristics of narcissism, in a personality disorder. A combination of both inherited and learned behaviours are thought to contribute to this. Learned as a way to meet unmet needs from early life. Where the person will learn behaviour patterns in order to establish an identity which they unconsciously believe will fix the problem.
According to the Mayo Clinic, some of the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, are found in people who, have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They carry a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration or attention. This can also appear in the role of wronged victim.
They tend to monopolise conversations and belittle those they perceive as inferior. There are no second thoughts about taking advantage of others if it serves their own ends. And they are unable/ unwilling to empathise with the needs or feelings of others.
Fear and insecurity over their own personal worth often drives the narcissistic personality. It is not the same as self-confidence or self-respect. The arrogance, boastfulness, or haughty manner is usually a cover for envy.
You might see this come through when they don’t get their way. They are quick to anger when they don’t receive special treatment. Take everything personally and seek manipulative or violent vengeance to hurt whomever they feel slighted by. They are unable to regulate emotions themselves, so project their struggles outwardly onto the world and people around them.
The Fragile Bully in the Age of Trump
Laurie Helgoe joins me in this week’s Gentle Rebel Podcast.
As well as being a wonderful human being, Laurie is an author, educator, and clinical psychologist with a special interest in the interactions between personality and culture. She is the author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength, which remains one of my top ‘go-to’ books on the topic of introversion. In the show I refer to it as ‘Quiet Power’. Whoops. That’s not what it’s called. Brain fart! It’s definitely Introvert Power!
Most recently she wrote, Fragile Bully: Understanding Our Destructive Affair With Narcissism in the Age of Trump. Another fantastic book bringing personality and culture together, with a deep dive into what drives our fascination with ourselves, and with those who can’t get enough of themselves, in today’s world.
Narcissism and Social Media