This week, join Beautiful Fairy Princess and Captain Handsome as they effortlessly relate to the non-Facebook demographic by establishing

• a terrible nickname for the show
• that a mirtazapine prescription pairs best with an ice cream subscription
• that anhedonia isn’t that Welsh band from the ’90s
• a perverse rubric with which to deem chia seeds better than cocaine
• that men don’t read novels because at least one of those two things is no damn good
• that women are leading unions because at least one of those two things is no damn good
• that reading is (still) for suckers
• that being contactable is the worst
• that Napoleon would have been 5’10” on Tinder
• that you should probably consider drawing a beauty mark just above the corner of your mouth while you’re at it