Since reciprocity between people in the areas of connection (boundaries, valued, known and openness) is essential for healthy and holy relationships, it stands to reason a lack of give and take in these areas leads to unhealthy and even abusive relationships. For example, in any type of abuse, there are boundary violations of a physical, emotional, and/or spiritual nature. In pornography, for example, there is no reciprocity; instead God’s boundaries for another are exploited, while their value is reduced to use, and their personhood is disregarded. Also, the one viewing pornography violates their own dignity and God’s protective limits for themselves.

There are a wide variety of ways we can attempt to satisfy our desire for connection with God, ourselves, and others in life-giving and life-affirming ways. Food, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex, excessive work, are just some examples. For a brief moment they may distract from our hunger for authentic connection, but in the long run they fail to satisfy and their fruits are internal and external discord rather than peace and love. I attended a talk a number of years ago by Vincent Felitti, M.D., about the effects of adverse childhood experiences. In discussing the attempt to drown out the residual internal pain from early traumas with substances he said, “You can never get enough of what almost works.” The same is true of attempts to use a substitute for the innate need to connect. We would never be able to get enough of what might almost work. We would end up chasing faulty remedies and create cycles of frustration and internal and/or relational conflict.

Often, there is much talk about chastity among teens in religious circles. While this is an important value, it’s also important to teach young people how to connect in a healthy way. Sexually immoral behavior is, oftentimes, a desire to connect acted out in uneducated, immature, or wounded ways. Given that we are made for connection, we need to learn, practice and teach healthy connection so relationships are truly fulfilling, leading to the wholeness and holiness the Lord wants for us all.

The more we grow in healthy connection, the more we are set free from bondage and decay, and grow in the freedom God intends for us as his children. We can begin to recognize the factors of connection in peace and their absence in conflict and so learn to calibrate our internal meter during times of struggle. It is difficult, if not impossible, to think of a human suffering that can’t be traced back to a breakdown in connection. Once we identify the relationship where the gap is, we are well on our way to knowing how to direct our efforts towards peace.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

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