The fool takes no delight in understanding,

but rather in displaying what he thinks.

 – Proverbs 18:2

First, let’s sum up what we’ve learned about connection so far. We all need an authentic sense of safety, respect, and being known as good in order to facilitate openness. Putting this information to use, we have a solid foundation for communication. Regardless of the subject matter for verbal dialogue, these are ever present needs in people. Because they are invisible and because we have the same needs, we tend to ignore them and press ahead into talking, all the while neglecting the conversation running in the background.

Am I safe? Am I accepted as I am? Am I seen and heard as an individual who is good? These questions are the litmus test we generally use to assess how safe it is for us to open up, become vulnerable, and share our inmost selves. We need to start by plugging into God for the affirmation of who we are in him and strive to accept this truth more deeply. This is our mode from which we will receive what others present to us. When we begin a conversation with another after having first adjusted our vision of the Lord and ourselves in him, we are better able to approach the other calmly and with compassion.

Of course, we cannot control if others are doing the same, but we can do our part to ease the communication process by keeping in mind that others have the same needs for safety, respect and acceptance. So, it is important to communicate these and to be present to truly see and hear them, not just their words. Here are the things we can do:

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• Safety and Respect – shown by awareness of and honoring a person’s boundaries. Being gentle with our words, tone, and body language are all important since we communicate in all three of these ways.
  
• Valuing and Accepting – don’t make the other person’s worth, even in your mind and heart, about the outcome of the conversation. When our peace seems contingent on the response from the other person, we need to focus more on the Lord before engaging. He is our Prince of Peace. Nothing anyone else says or doesn’t say can make or break us.
  
• Validate – acknowledge the other person’s view and/or difficulty. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them, but we can agree and recognize their struggle.
  
• Be gentle; Smile (if appropriate) – this may sound remedial, but it’s a way to remind them, and us, that they are of unfathomable worth.
  
• Make eye contact – this helps to communicate that we are paying attention.
  
• Don’t multitask – not being distracted by phone or activities sends the message that we value the other.
  

Remember to practice these activities and thoughts in your own life and begin to see how your relationships flourish because of them. Furthermore, healthy communication is greatly facilitated when we have a common language and framework from which to approach it. Consider sharing this book with your family, friends, groups, teams, or community so that you can begin to bring some equilibrium and common understanding to the way in which the relationships in your life develop and grow.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

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