Without getting terribly country-western in this opening sentence, I’ll submit the following: I’ve got friends in weird places, and sometimes, they sing pretty songs. I’ve loaded up the computer with a tall stack of music, and it’s all performed b

Every night, right before a much deserved period of unconsciousness, I enter the bathroom and perform a ritual—a ritual convincing my wife that my mind has finally snapped. Everyone pees before bed, a quick micturition to get the pipes all clear and kee

I’m sitting here, a pint sized Hoyo de Monterrey balanced on this ancient keyboard, and things are turning squirrely. There’s a solid length now between me and the days of pawing over a feed reader, each post a possible morsel of sustenance, each head

What a strange new hobby I’ve adopted, this last year spent writhing around under florescent lights with men whom intend me harm, gnashing teeth and painful grunts—I think this is what the 80’s were like. I do this by choice, the writhing and wrestl

Wandering into an electronics store and buying an expensive television off the wall, on a whim, is like stuffing a cooked ham into a tube sock and referring to it by a woman’s name—that is to say, the activity completely baffles me. White haired fifty

In my years on this planet I’ve arrived at two infallible truths: Ranch dressing has no discernible equal, and Nathan Fillion needs to star in a goddamn blockbuster movie already. I’ve had enough of the Twitter campaigns, blog posts, speculation, want

Much like ranch dressing, Thriller, and the Sears catalog—The Nintendo Entertainment System shaped my life in ways that were both very important and wildly confusing. When the thing first arrived on our shores, it cost about ten-kerbillion American doll

There’s a certain level of self awareness required to enjoy sloppy fast-food ice cream in the company of another man. Generally, for those of my ilk, it’s a devious and perverse little slice of life—sitting alone in a quiet room and absorbing every

My younger brother briefly showed an interest in baseball, and as a result, his grandchildren will likely snort off-world caviar from the bellybutton of alien slaves. I had my brief affair with the game, but it was rather fleeting, manifesting in a couple

I once played the clarinet for seven years, and it was those kinds of decisions that set the tone for much of my adolescence. For my graduating class, the whole band thing started in the fifth grade, and I think we were picking out our instruments at the