Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim.

Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks:

• Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partner
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• How emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connection
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• The cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactions
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• The difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachment
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• Five rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversations
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If you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic.

Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why.

00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements

00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging

02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview

02:47 Narcissism in Relationships

07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins

11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior

19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment

25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface

35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon

35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships

39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle

43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness

51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists

56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power

01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation

01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts

Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.

And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

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You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com