How many of you struggle in your marriage? I am here to share three marriage secrets. What are they? My husband and I have been married for forty-five years as of this recording, and we’ve practiced them and others. In this podcast, I will discuss marriage secrets from real-life events.

My husband and I have spent hundreds of hours mentoring young, engaged couples at our church for the past four years. We were asked to do this and have struggled to find other couples (until recently) to join our ministry. Why is this? Because many of us struggle with our marriages. Yes, even us. No marriage or life is perfect on this side of heaven, but we can try. We prioritize our marriage and our relationship. Sometimes, it becomes a heroic effort, and that, dear friends, is the issue. Many couples who grow apart have stopped trying.

Are there only three marriage secrets? Of course not; there are probably 435 secrets, depending on who you ask! However, these are the top three my husband and I strive for in our relationship.

True story: my husband and I have struggled from time to time. Ninety percent of our struggles are when each of us insists we are right. Yes, even after forty-five years of marriage, it happens. In fact, I bought us matching coffee mugs for our last anniversary that say, “45 years of being Mr. Wright” and “45 years of being Mrs. Always Right.” Those are our Sunday mugs.

Yes, it is a joke, but it also reminds us that when we focus on being right, we have our eyes on the wrong goal or objective. Our goal is not to catch the other one messing up. It is to lift up the other spouse whenever we can. Women, are we thankful for each day? Men, do you appreciate the efforts your wife makes in your home life?

The great news is that we rarely, if ever, argue about big things any longer. We’ve realized that many of our disagreements were petty. We’ve gotten very good at conflict resolution, but that doesn’t mean life is always perfect. There are three main secrets to a long marriage.

—>Thanks to our sponsor, NowPrograms.com – their philosophy is to remediate instead of accommodate. Something I’ve been saying for years!

A young couple we mentored from our church asked us how we had managed to stay together for so many years while they saw many marriages falling apart. How would you answer this couple? As an aside, that is the most asked question from our pre-marriage couples.

We could have given them the list:

1. 
   
2. Be sure you pray. Pray together.
   
3. Good communication.
   
4. No character assasination.
   
5. Always argue in private, not around other people.
   
6. Work on conflict resolution.
   
7. Look for the good in each other.
   
8. Use kind words and words of affirmation
   
9. Make time to date each other even after marriage.
   
10. Spend time together doing a mutual hobby.
    
11. Discuss ways to parent and discipline before marriage.
    

Each of these topics could take an entire podcast in itself, and while I’d love to explore the different points, our three marriage secrets combine some of the points above and exclude others. All of those points are important, but our big three are as follows.

Number 1: First, Give Your Heart To The Lord.

When we give our hearts to the Lord, it means that we are dedicated to a higher authority than our own. We are accountable to God and all that He teaches. It means we seek the good and righteous over the selfishish and petty. As a young woman in my first job, still single, I prayed to the Lord first that I would love Him with all my heart and then that He would bring me the person He selected for me. (I did a podcast some time ago about the True Love Prayer that a friend from college gave me, and I will do another one soon with the full prayer read on air. Yes, I still have a copy.) That prayer impacted my life in a powerful way; it made me focus on the most important thing: my relationship with the Almighty. (Visit A Few Minutes with God Podcast) I learned to love as Christ loves. (Podcast here.)

This is the answer I gave to the young couple, and my husband explained it more fully. “Divorce is not an option. What does that mean?”

First, we blew their minds. But, think about it: if you go into marriage with the idea of a temporary situation and a “Let’s see how it goes” approach, that is what you will pour into your relationship, and not in a good way. Many marriages, unfortunately, start in this way.

What if we take divorce off the table? It then makes marriage permanent. No one wants a life sentence of strife, disagreement, and unhappiness. So that means you both work hard to make it work; you don’t jump ship when the going gets tough. You work through the ups and downs, the sleepless nights with kids, the career changes, and, in essence, the good times and the bad times because the bad times will come.

[Please Note: I’m not talking about staying in abusive marriages where there is physical or mental abuse. Those situations are tragic and, at times, go undetected until marriage. However, sometimes there are red flags that are ignored. This is a podcast for another time.

If divorce is not an option, then marriage is a commitment daily. This is a decision, sometimes not a feeling, but it works! We choose each other. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, think about why you went into your marriage in the first place. There has to be a reason, and often, with some thought, you will remember the reasons and how difficult it was to find “the one.” My husband encourages each of the couples to pray and think about this.

Along those lines, we need to pray to forgive each other. If you have a strong foundation of faith, it is easier to do. I have several podcasts on Forgiveness HERE and Asking for Forgiveness HERE. ADD LINKS.

When we do things for each other because we love each other, we should not keep track on a scorecard. Couples that do keep track have difficulty. I know that no one wants to feel unappreciated, but when we wait to be thanked for being a good wife or a good husband, we miss the point of marriage. We give because we love each other; we have different jobs within the home, sometimes overlapping. These jobs are agreed upon at some point in our marriage, and then we work together.

These jobs can change. My husband never changed diapers with our first two kids, but he did with children three through five. He never washed dishes until the kids were grown and out of the house. He took out the trash, mowed the lawn, and kept the outside looking nice. He painted walls inside and out, made repairs, and did the heavy lifting. I baked, cleaned, and took care of the laundry and cooking. He did grill, but even that happened many years into our marriage because my kids were raised to help, and truthfully, they were very capable.

For those of you who want to be thanked, think of this. We don’t thank the trash pickup for taking our trash off our property, the mail carrier for delivering our mail, or the grocer for stocking their shelves with food. We expect these things to happen; why? Because it is their job. At the same time, it is our job to work together and to give each other our best. Of course, I’m talking about balance and not a spouse on either side who becomes demanding.

So how do you outgive? You think about ways to surprise your spouse with something special for dinner or go out for ice cream without the kids. My husband brings me flowers from the grocery or hardware store. He takes out the trash and I usually tell him that makes me happier than the flowers!

It is the little things. The surprises, the sticky notes on the mirror or in his wallet that say, “I hope you have a wonderful day. I’m praying for you!” Or when I was cleaning up and found the first card he gave me soon after our first date. It was a Valentine’s Card with a huge bouquet of helium balloons wh purchased at a parade from a street vendor on the way to pick me up! The card said, “From Jeff,” but it was the cutest thing ever. I still tease him about writing “from.”

I’ve given this advice to struggling couples: it takes humility to take the first step. Will you humble yourself with the chance of rejection if it means improving your marriage? I would.

At times, we’ve each thought our relationship is one-sided, but if you have faith, you know the evil one works overtime in disrupting marriage. God ordains marriage; it is written about in the scriptures. The evil ones may cause you to become dissatisfied, and whatever weakness you have in your marriage or in your confidence will be exploited. Remember, the three marriage secrets include the most important one, your relationship with the Lord. That will give you the strength and the confidence to make your marriage the best it can be.

Well, friends, what do you think about the three marriage secrets? Do they resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a big problem in your marriage that you are struggling with? I will pray for you but know that you are loved and prayed for. We often pray for those who listen to our podcasts, and I pray this podcast was a blessing.

Please share this episode with a friend, give me a star rating, and follow me on your favorite social media app!

Other podcasts you might enjoy:

What is God’s Love?

1. One Wise Choice That Can Change Relationships here

2. True Love and How to Find It

3. What Is God’s Love with Felice and Meredith

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