Hey, homeschoolers!

A homeschool mom posted on Facebook, “I bake homemade bread … but not enough.” I saw in her what I so often see in myself and other homeschool moms: the tyranny of not enough. Whatever we accomplish is immediately invalidated, whether we say it out loud or not.

We might think it’s no big deal. Maybe our “not enough” is just being humble and recognizing that we’re works in progress. But there are three negative side effects of “not enough” thinking that I want to share with you. Then I want to tell you how we can break free from this kind of thinking.

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The first problem with “not enough” thinking is that it’s discouraging.

I shared in a previous episode about two kinds of coaches. There’s the “not enough” coach who is always yelling at you to do better and then there’s the coach who looks for any positive actions and praises them. If you’re familiar with the movie Karate Kid, this is Sensei Reese coaching. Some personalities will respond to a “not enough” coach. They will push themselves outside of their comfort zone in response and may believe that this is the best kind of coaching. My husband is one of the people who responds to this.

However, what some people don’t realize is that you can get the same results with a positive coach. Mr. Myagi was a positive coach. Although he had Daniel working hard, he never told him he wasn’t doing enough. Positive coaching also motivates and pushes people outside of their comfort zone. I will work for hours and hours for the positive feedback of a coach I respect.

If you work harder and still hear the “not enough” coach in your head, you might do even more. But if the only feedback you get for giving more is repeatedly negative, you’re going to be discouraged. You are likely to quit.

Let’s use an example. You might decide that to get your schooling done by your chosen quitting time that you need to start school earlier. You manage to start school 15 minutes earlier with your elementary students, which I know from experience is amazing. But you think about what you accomplished and you still didn’t get it all done. “It’s not enough,” you tell yourself. You might decide to start another 15 minutes earlier or go another 15 minutes longer. Under the tyranny of not enough, you will find yourself in a negative spiral where you either burn the candle at both ends or end up defeated in your homeschooling.

Of course, the tyranny of not enough doesn’t just affect us. It also impacts our kids. Without realizing it, we can communicate to our kids that their efforts aren’t enough. They didn’t get their work done quickly enough, accurately enough, or agreeably enough. We don’t even have to say the words. We can frown or sigh or give them a backhanded compliment like “Well, at least you did better than you did before.” Colossians 3:21 references this: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” I believe this is speaking to fathers who have a “not enough” attitude. God is an encourager. Psalm 94:18-19 reads “When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O LORD, helped me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul.”

Not enough thinking is discouraging. But a second side effect is that it’s perpetual.

We will never get to a place where we feel that we’re enough. Sometimes that’s because of past experiences. We may have had a parent or a boss or another person in our life who was never pleased with our efforts. Even if that person is no longer in our lives, we may have taken on their role in saying “not enough.”

Another reason it’s perpetual is because we always compare ourselves to people who are doing more than we are. Social research tells us that we sometimes compare ourselves to people who aren’t doing as well as we are. We might compare ourselves to a brand-new homeschooler so we feel more competent. But much of the time we compare up. We choose the homeschool mom we know who seems to have it all together. She has more kids than you and makes healthy meals and runs the co-op. You lack in comparison. You don’t understand why, so you default to you’re just not trying hard enough.

This is especially destructive when we compare our kids. Her kids are readers who excel in sports, win at Bible bees, and have published novels. You may decide your kids could do the same, but they’re just not trying hard enough. Again, even if we don’t say it out loud, our kids can feel the tyranny and end up being discouraged.

A third reason not-enough thinking is perpetual is because it’s a marketing strategy. If we felt that we were and had enough, sales of all kinds of things would plummet. Beauty products, clothing, supplements, cars, home goods, and more are sold on the premise that we are currently not enough. In order to avoid this marketing, you would have to be off the grid. But unless we deal with not-enough thinking, we will always be bearing the burden of it.

Not-enough thinking is discouraging and perpetual. It’s also identity theft.

I hope you’ve never experienced true identity theft. Whether you have or have not, you know that it’s expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining to correct.

My husband has to have his ID scanned to enter some public schools for his job. There is a man with his same name who pops up on the scan every time. The man has been charged with numerous felonies. Because they share a name and the scanning program the schools use is very basic, the administrators take lots of time to verify my husband’s identity before they let him in–even when they have screened him before!

We have an identity theft problem too. The enemy tells us we are someone we are not. And when we think we have made our true identity known, back he comes to question us. 1 Corinthians 6:11 talks about the sinners we used to be–the not enough person we were. And every time that former identity comes back up, we may be discouraged. We might be motivated to clean up that past identity by being better and working harder. But working for a tyrant is always exhausting, even when we are the tyrant.

Imagine how much trouble my husband’s ID problem would be if he wasn’t sure he was not the man convicted of crimes. If he lacked confidence or acted ashamed, the school administrators would probably throw him out. Yet we often lack confidence and have shame about our identities.

Breaking Free from the Tyranny

I hope you’re motivated to break free. First, we can go from discouragement to encouragement by giving up on “not-enough” coaching. Using a What’s Better List as I shared in a recent episode can be a great antidote. I had gotten away from using it and so my “not-enough” coach decided to fill in.

Be intentional about finding and praising yourself and your kids for any steps in the right direction. Praise is a more powerful motivator than punishment. I started a new and challenging home workout. The instructor has us clap for ourselves at the end and I gladly do it. I am worthy of praise for doing a hard thing. Give yourself a little applause for your efforts. Then envision Hebrews 12:1: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” I like to see my brothers and sisters in Christ literally cheering me on. I and many other retired homeschoolers are cheering you on too. Finally, with respect to discouragement, correct yourself every time you think or say the equivalent of ‘not enough.’ Replace it with “I’m making progress.” When someone compliments you, simply say thank you.

We can break free from the perpetual nature of not-enough thinking by focusing on our own work. Kids who take tests in a classroom are told to keep their eyes on their own paper. In the same way, our eyes need to be on our own work. I love what Galatians 6:3-5 says: “For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.” We each have our own work and circumstances chosen by God specifically for us. It’s silly to compare when only God can review our efforts.

When it comes to marketing, many times we are drawn to the promise of a product or approach to make us happy. Watching videos on minimalism has helped me with this by reminding me of the psychology marketers use to convince us we are not enough. When you know the manipulation is coming, it’s much easier to resist. We can also avoid the marketing that really pushes our buttons by unsubscribing and getting offline. I used to love watching HGTV. But I noticed that I started to think that my house was horrible and had to be completely remodeled. Now that I don’t watch those shows, I am content. Do you need to stop watching homeschool influencers who have you feeling like your homeschool needs a complete makeover?

With respect to identity, we want to remember who and Whose we are. We can never be good enough through our own efforts. This doesn’t mean we don’t work. I think of it like playing a game that’s already been won. Many times when I played tennis on a league, my partner and I won the match, but there was more time to play for fun. I found that because I was so relaxed, I played even better when it didn’t count. That’s how we can homeschool. God has already ensured our success by giving us His power. He already has a plan to give our children a hope and a future. Now we can relax and enjoy the process without fear.

When the voice within us or outside of us says we can’t relax or we’ll fail, we must meditate on the truth. Write Scriptures that speak to you like Romans 8:31-39: What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

The truth is that without the grace of God, my husband could be the convicted felon. And you and I are NOT enough without the power of Christ in us. But if Jesus is your Savior, you are a new creation and you were created to do good works. He is the strength in our weakness, so we can boast about being not enough as Paul did. I hope this encourages you as it does me to break free from the tyranny of not enough.

Have a happy homeschool week!