A few days ago, in a True You! Short Discussion, I talked
about the fact that hitting and spanking our kids doesn’t work; it’s not
supported by research in any situation or culture across the world. It doesn’t
work. So, what does? Well, I said that I would talk a bit about how to use the
Time Out to help manage our kids’ negative behaviors. Keep in mind that Time
Outs are a part of a larger program of discipline—and there are many healthy
approaches to child discipline. But Time Outs tend to work with most behavior
management approaches.

Parental Control

First, I want to talk a bit about a topic that is an important part of my doctoral research and is something I’ve helped parents understand in over 20 years of work with parents who need solutions to their children’s behaviors. The topic is control. Now most of us parents are very well-intentioned. We aren’t abusive or neglectful; rather, we want to very best for our kids—and sometimes, we want the very best so much that we get too involved in our kid’s business. We start doing things for them that they are very capable of doing for themselves because we want to be sure that they succeed; we want to form a base on which they can thrive and eventually launch into adulthood. And we do that. We build a formidable launching pad for our kids, designed exactly to our very own specifications. Then we put huge walls around it, add three layers of offensive weaponry to keep out anything that we have deemed to be bad for them, then we plop them in the middle of this launching pad and tell them to thrive. I know this world is insane. As the father of a 12-year-old this world scares the hell out of me. I’m nervous about coordinating her launch into adulthood and it’s tempting to hover over her, making sure she does everything I think she should do to ensure her success. But when we do that, when we overcontrol our kids, when we do everything we can do to minimize their discomfort, to minimize their failures, to make sure they’re warm, that they don’t get their feet wet in the rain; when we make sure they pass that big test or properly manage their friendships, use guilt or shame to redirect their behavior, when we hit or spank then, we are often satisfying our need to feel like we’re actively parenting our kids; that we are ensuring their success in this crazy world. When we impose our will on our kids, what we are really doing is removing our child’s sense of agency over their environment; we are removing their sense of control. We are taking away from them to opportunity to learn that there is a consequence for everything they do. Wouldn’t it be great if our 7 year old would wake up in the morning, open up the door and feel the cool air, and think, “it’s cold outside today; it’s going to uncomfortable waiting for the school bus if I don’t wear a long sleeve shirt and put on a jacket?” Instead, what do many parents do? They say, “Good morning, it’s cold today; make sure you wear dress warm; that long sleeve shirt we bought the other day would be perfect for today!” Why do we think we have to inform them of this? It’s well-intentioned; but it prevents your child from using a skill that they are very capable of using; and in so doing, it gives them a powerful sense of pride; a sense of control of their environment. When they make a good decision, on their own, it instills in them a sense of independence, of confidence, of control; independent problem solving is an essential skill that kids need to successfully launch into adulthood. What I’m not suggesting is that parents give up authority or relinquish their responsibilities as parents—there is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling. But what happens with many parents is that they recognize that if we let our kids make their own, developmentally appropriate decisions, that they will, at first,