As parents we ask some important question.  A good one is, “Where are my keys?”  We also ask obvious questions like, “Who drank all the milk and put the carton back in the fridge?”  One that I hear from parents is, “What’s going on with my kid?”  We worry because we see changes that we can’t figure out.  We want to know what’s going on inside but most of the time we get grunts and maybe an exaggerated sigh.  There are signs that things aren’t going well: falling grades, concerning smells, absence of friends, withdrawal, sarcasm, avoidant behaviors, dressing differently.
We swing between being worried they are going crazy and searching for a gang to join to the next minute thinking it’s just immaturity, a phase or normal behavior for “kids nowadays.”
The risk in not answering the question, “What’s going on?” is that we either overreact of under respond.  We miss times to teach and end up shaming and confusing our kids.
This episode of the podcast is all about tools and perspective for us as parents so we can understand what’s going on.
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Typically, there isn’t just one thing going on. Our kids have complicated lives with multiple sources of challenge.  They can have trauma, immaturity, anger issues, entitlement, laziness and just plain bad days. It’s hard to find one source for their struggle and typically there isn’t one thing that will “cure” them.
A good place to start is by running through a basic evaluation called, H.A.L.T which asks four questions (read more).  These questions were developed for people that are struggling with addiction and in recovery but they are helpful questions for all types of struggles.

* Are they hungry?  Not just for food but also for attention, comfort, and stimulation.
* Are they angry? Anger isn’t bad, they have reasons to be angry.  Our goal is to help them understand their anger and find ways to productively process it.
* Are they lonely?  This is not just the hunger for companionship but is a belief that it would be difficult if not impossible to reach out or connect.
* Are the tired? Many of our kids are sleep deprived. Many also lack white space or buffer in their day and move from one activity to another resulting in being overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I’ve recently taught on helping “Capable” but unmotivated kids.  These are the students that can do the work and often are even doing some of the work and not turning it in.  It seems obvious that they lack motivation  but doing a bit of detective work may show that they have other needs.  Often kids don’t have time, skills, tools or a personal “why”.
Your teen may think they are spending hours writing the paper but the reality is that they are interrupted by their phone a dozen to a hundred times per hour.  They may not want to look at social media or have texts interrupt them but they also don’t want to miss out on anything.  Here are two good tools.

* An application I personally use to reduce my interruptions online is called Freedom.  It’s installed on my work computers, tablet and phone.  I can start a session which will cut out whatever distraction I determine for a certain amount of time.  I typically turn off all social media and Internet.  They are coming out with a new feature which will only allow certain websites during the session which will be very helpful.  I know I’m easily distracted and so this application helps me reduce distraction.
* Another paid service I use to increase my productivity is called “Focus at Will.