A lot will change once you retire and you may need build a new a social circle. Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz join us to share research-backed strategies you can use to build and strengthen meaningful relationships from their new book Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection.

Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz join us from Virginia.

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Natalie Kerr, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and award-winning professor at James Madison University, where she studies social connection and loneliness. Her work has been published in journals such as the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Personality and Individual Differences, and Social Influence. She is co-author of the book Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection. She also designs community programs for people who want to cultivated deeper connection in their lives.

Jaime Kurtz, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at James Madison University. Her research focuses on strategies for savoring and well-being and has been published in journals such as Psychological Science, the Journal of Positive Psychology, Emotion, and Developmental Psychology. Her work has been published in journals such as Psychological Science and the Journal of Positive Psychology. Most recently, she is the author of The Happy Traveler: Unpacking the Secrets of Better Vacations. She is also the co-author, with Sonja Lyubomirsky, of Positively Happy: Routes to Sustainable Happiness, and she regularly presents seminars on mental health to continuing education health care professionals nationwide.

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For More on Natalie Kerr & Jaime Kurtz

Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection

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Podcast Episodes You May Like

How to Make New Friends in Retirement – Dr. Marisa G. Franco

The Laws of Connection – David Robson

The Good Life – Marc Schulz, PhD

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About The Retirement Wisdom Podcast

There are many podcasts on retirement, often hosted by financial advisors with financial motives, that cover the money side of the street. This podcast is different. You’ll get smarter about the investment decisions you’ll make about the most important asset you’ll have in retirement: your time.

About Retirement Wisdom

I help people who are retiring, but aren’t quite done yet, discover what’s next and build their custom version of their next life. A meaningful retirement doesn’t just happen by accident.

Schedule a call today to discuss how The Designing Your Life process created by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans can help you make your life in retirement a great one – on your own terms.

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On Social Connection

“So, as humans, we have a fundamental need for social connection. We live happier, healthier, and longer lives when we feel deeply connected to other people. And while we might experience and express this need in different ways, the need for social connection is really universal. It’s so fundamental that we have built-in biological mechanisms to encourage it. When we’re socially isolated, our brain triggers cravings for human contact, in much the same way that it triggers cravings for food after a few hours of not eating. So, we literally crave connection. And that’s why so many of us felt starved for connection during the pandemic. The problem is that in everyday life, many of us simply ignore the craving or we deny it. We treat socializing like an indulgence rather than an essential health behavior, and we fail to prioritize it. We recognize the importance of sleep, exercise, and healthy eating, and we take steps to maintain them. But going out with friends, going to Happy Hour, Trivia Night, these things often take a backseat. Somehow, they feel less important when in reality, they’re just as vital to our health and well-being.  So, we really need to shift our mindset and see social connection as an essential need rather than a want.”

On Meaningful Conversations 

“But keep in mind that that signal, that inner kind of guidance can go a little awry with a season of extended isolation. So it can become very cyclical. So just be on the lookout for that when you tune in. I love this question because I absolutely hate small talk, and I’m always looking for opportunities to go deeper. Small talk is the norm in everyday conversation. Unfortunately, it just is. And breaking away from that can be a little scary, but there’s some research that suggests that maybe we shouldn’t be as afraid as we are.  Let me tell you about one study real quick. So they had participants engage in both shallow and deep conversations with strangers. And the shallow conversation, they answered questions like, how’s your day going so far? And in the deep conversation condition, they went a little deeper. They disclosed more personal information by answering questions like, if you could undo one mistake you have made in your life, what would it be – and why would you undo it? So pretty deep, especially with a stranger, right? Well, they had people predict how they would feel about the conversations, how much they would enjoy them, and then they reported on their actual experience. And what they found was that people expected to prefer the shallow conversation, but they actually preferred the deeper one. And they felt closer to their deep conversation partner than to the shallow conversation partner. And the deep conversations were not as awkward as they thought they would be. Sure, they were a little bit awkward at first, but not as much as they thought. They liked the deep conversations better.”

On Attention

“For me, one of the practices that I’ve really tried to put into my life, in addition to going deeper in conversations, is really being aware of where my attention is when I am interacting with people. I’ve just noticed how good it feels to be the focus of someone’s attention, and being able to give that back is a really valuable gift, especially in these times when our attention is so limited, and being pulled in a million different directions. We all know how crummy it feels to be in an interaction, and somebody just picks up their phone and starts looking at their phone, or just looks away, and you can tell they’re not with you. I try my best to really give people my attention, and realize how valuable that is.  It also underscores a point that we make in the book, too, that I think a lot of people think to be liked, and to have a rich social life, you have to be incredibly charismatic, you have to have a great sense of humor, or all these stories to tell. And sure, those things help, but just being with someone, truly with someone, and giving them your attention, even if you’re quiet about it, that can also really boost connection and relationship quality. I’ve been trying to just be more aware of where my attention is, focused. So part of it, just with any habit, really starts with awareness.”