Judgment says more about the judg-er than the judg-ee. It’s not Judgement – Bad. It’s Judgment-Interesting.

Everybody judges and in truth, we unconsciously evaluate good/bad all the time – both positively and negatively. It’s our brains appraisal system. However unchecked it’s also a very handy interpersonal defense. Today we explore one aspect of insecure functioning, unchecked judgment and harsh self-criticism.

It is just one common insecure pattern to think in absolutes and moral righteousness, and before you judge judgers, those of us who’s favorite flavor is self-criticism and self-judgement please be warned that harsh scale extends quickly to those close to us.  Fun times to grow and learn we tell ya!!
In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored,
Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott break down the big picture of attachment and take a deep dive into just one of the habits of insecure attachment – how we use judgment! Turn on your curiosity and notice your judgments as we go – it’s kinda fun, actually.
The Pleasure of Judgement

* Description of what self-righteous judgment looks like presented in an anecdotal but accurate way.

Quick Review

* Every human being has a system to manage threat.
Blue – you down-regulate
Red – you up-regulate

The Role of Judgment

* Method of self-protection
* Response to a feeling of threat
* 2 types: self-righteous or self-critical

Self-Righteous Judgment

* It’s a great feeling.
* What’s really going on underneath?
Disconnection from threat in our own body
* Slowing down to experience what we are judging
* Fortified defense
* Not pathological, it’s protective
* Example of Blue Judgment
Fear of Vulnerability
Judging to keep at a distance
* Example of Red Judgment
Telling others what they are doing wrong
Judging to prevent expressing fear of abandonment underneath

Non-Judgment

* Inability to create a judgment can be an indication that we can’t have a sense of self and an essence of threat, and that clearly defining ourselves is too vulnerable. (red-side of insecure spectrum, usually)

Judgment Can Be A Healthy Protection

* Not all judgment is bad
* Explore it.

Righteousness to Relationality

* Exploring the movie about Harriet Tubman
The moral high road
Righteousness as the lazy man’s way
* Making the move
Effecting change while staying in the relationship

Self-Judgment

* Also the lazy man’s road
* Same old negative thoughts
* No movement and no new neural pathways being built
* Keeps us stuck
* Moving from self-loathing to connection
Putting our feet to the fire

It’s not that it’s pathological – it’s information. We think it’s information about the other person, but really it can be a window into something more interesting if we open up to exploring it.  Why do you judge THAT in particular? What parts of others make your skin crawl? Check if it’s disowned parts of yourself that you are attempting to distance from or stamp out in others. You see…. now it gets interesting and the door opens rather than slams close on the object of our scrutiny.
Practice Noticing With Compassion

* Find your version of what it is that you’re judging.
* Have a little smile of humor when you catch yourself being judgmental
* Explore what’s underneath

 
Resources
Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Pool Heller