Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that eye is shaped to find particular things beautiful. We talk about attraction, how it’s shaped, how it differs by place, upbringing, and how it’s tied into sex.

Content note: Medical procedures and sex are discussed in some detail.

Transcript

K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about changing taste and attraction and all that good stuff.

C: But your taste is me; don’t change it.

K: (laughs) But my taste becoming only you is a change.

C: Yes, it is.

K: Because I think we started out as being open and poly and then over the years we became monogamous. And I think what people find most interested about that for us is you made the decision for us – that you always wanted to monogamy. 

C: Right.

K: And I was in my fear place about monogamy. And I had a lot of sexist ideas about whether or not men can be monogamous. And I also, being pansexual, find myself being attracted to a lot of people.

C: Right.

K: And, when you and I go together, I was dating a lot of couples. And enjoying the couples I was dating. (laughs)

C: Yes.

K: So, I kind of feel like when we first met, my preference and taste were couples. 

C: Mhm.

K: What do you think?

C: That seems – well, it didn’t seem so much to be couples so much as people you knew couldn’t possibly try to take it monogamous with you without it becoming awkward.

K: Yes. That is (laughs) that is a very good description of it. It’s awesome. And I find it’s really interesting that, like – so, I rarely talk about what’s current in my practice, but right now the majority of my practice is poly. And I have a lot of newbies to being poly. And… they’re finding out new attractions for themselves and new tastes, and I think the adventure into polyamory – and so what polyamory is, everybody defines it differently for themselves, but it’s consensual non-monogamy. 

C: Right.

K: So, it can be open or poly, and what makes the difference for me between openness and polyamory is what the emotional roles are. I think, for me, being polyamorous means, I can love more than one person, and both people I’m in love with know that I’m in love with them, and it’s no secret. 

C: So, why isn’t polygamy the opposite of monogamy?

K: Um… because that involves marriage.

C: So, why isn’t it monoamory?

K: I don’t know. Maybe it is. I’ve never looked that up. You know we don’t google on this show, though.

C: It’s just a question that occurred to me here. I was listening to you saying, you know, monogamy versus polyamory. I was thinking feeling amorous – amor is one of the types of love. 

K: Yeah. And I call myself mono.

C: Right. 

K: So, actually, I identify – personally, myself – as a cis-gendered polyamorous woman who’s pansexual. A pansexual cis-gendered polyamorous woman in a monogamous relationship.

C: Yeah. I don’t identify that way.

K: (laughs) How do you identify?

C: If you substitute woman for man, then yes, I still don’t identify that way.

K: You’re still not pansexual. Yeah. And… you did not enjoy polyamory.

C: No. 

K: You did not enjoy open. You enjoy monogamy. 

C: Yeah. I’m a cis-gendered heterosexual guy – man – who enjoys monogamy.

K: Yes. And I really enjoy it. I don’t feel like I’m losing anything being monogamous with you.

C: Right.

K: So, I feel very, very, very fortunate in that – and, sorry people who hate repetition I do repetition so much – um… you’re being sexy. 

C: I can’t help it.

K: I know. I just looked over, and I felt like Chad was doing something sexier than he was before. (laughs) Chad sometimes does it