Talk about security and insecurity, both valid and not. How it plays out for different people, different issues, and different times.

Transcript

K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about feeling secure versus feeling insecure.

C: Like turning on two-factor identification for everything? Because I’ve had to do that for work, so that’s on my mind.

K: Sort of. Kind of. Because, in my life, there are a lot of sources that can lead to security or insecurity. Like, you know, with my job, with my PHD, with parenting, with wifeing, with adulting. And… just every aspect of me, there’s potential for security or insecurity, and I don’t know why I forgot to mention money, but money’s also an aspect of it.

C: Because we hates it, we does. 

(laughter)

K: So, what do you think when I say that? And that – and that was so therapy mode for me because I’ll say something and then I’ll ask a – I ask my clients “so, what do you think when I say that?” because I really want to know what their thoughts are to my opinions. 

C: I feel like you give a lot of people a lot of security. 

K: Thank you, that’s really sweet.

C: Like emotionally security.

K: Thank you, that’s really sweet. 

C: I think there’s a big difference between being insecure and feeling insecure. And they don’t always line up. So, I think some people feel really secure even though their life is really insecure, and they logically should not feel secure.

K: Yeah.

C: And then some people don’t feel secure no matter what. No matter how stable and good their life is, no matter how good everything in their life is they don’t feel secure. 

K: So, for me, I find that… when I‘m feeling insecure, it’s about worthiness. 

C: Mhm.

K: Rather than actual security. Because I have core trauma from just lifetime of abuse and PTSD, and so, sometimes that – and I’m sure people can relate to this – that leads to me feeling just completely unworthy of anything good. And that’s kind of like – not kind of like – it’s completely the legacy of my mother was so abusive to me, and that’s supposed to be the person who loves you unconditionally and loves you more than everybody else. Like we have a running joke in our family, which probably isn’t nice, but I’m going to say it anyway because I can’t stop myself. But I always tell Rasta how much I love him, but I always tell him “see, their mother doesn’t love them as much as your mother loves you.” And it’s a joke, but sometimes it’s real talk. (laughs) And not – because sometimes he’ll be like – friends back home in the U.S. they’ll have issues or something, and I’ll be like “that’s because their mother doesn’t love them as much as your mother loves you.” 

C: Mhm.

K: And, so, yeah. But it’s just something funny we say because I love him to the Nth.

C: I think if you never have insecurity about whether you’re worthy of the things you’ve got, then you’ve either had a really good therapist

K: (laughs) And even then.

C: Right? 

K: Because I have a really good therapist, but even then.

C: Or you spend your time reading books like “how to manage your second billion.” You might only have a thousand dollars in the bank, but in your mind, you’re on your way to your second billion. 

K: So, you think only delusional feel people never feel unworthy.

C: I don’t think it’s delusional so much as people who don’t ever have to face the world. Like… there’s a mathematical theorem called “Arrow’s impossibility theorem” which says that if you have a system in which people vote on things, and people are rational, then there’s always going to be somebody who always gets what they want. 

K: Mhm.

C: The conditions for that people generally agree