Expectations of marriage are quite different between Japan and the United
States. Surprisingly different, in ways that make it both easier and harder.

Transcript

K: So, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being married in Japan versus
being married in the United States because it feels like a different bag.

C: So, you’re saying being the state of married, not getting married. Right?
Because getting married in Japan is its own thing that we could do a whole a
thing about, but we didn’t get married in Japan. 

K: No, we didn’t.

C: We were married when we got here.

K: Yes.

C: But we’ve been married the entire time we’ve been here.

K: Yes, we have been. So, I guess part of it is getting married, too,
because we know a lot of people that get married in Japan.

C: Yeah, we do.

K: And it’s so different to me. Like, just being married in Japan versus
being married in the United States. Because one being married in the United
States, being from California, I get half your stuff, man, just boom. Automatic
fifty-fifty. But in Japan, I get nothing.

C: See, that’s a misconception about California. You get half the stuff; you
get half of the community property. But the community property doesn’t include
anything that the people come into the marriage with.

K: Right.

C: So, anything you had before the marriage is yours regardless of a
fifty-fifty, unless you end up mixing it, and there’s where it gets
complicated.

K: Yeah. But in Japan, it’s really hard to get anything. But also, in Japan,
if you wanted to divorce me, I could just say no.

C: Mhmm.

K: And then you couldn’t divorce me. It’d be really, really hard for you to
divorce me. 

C: Well, I think that’s what no-fault divorce laws in the U.S. were
about. 

K: Yeah. It’s to allow people to get divorced really easily, I think.

C: Yeah.

K: So, for me, I don’t know. Marriage feels less secure in Japan than it did
in the United States. I don’t feel protected by being married. But in the
United States, I don’t know why, but I felt protected by being married. 

C: That’s odd. So, I read a lot about marriage customs in feudal Japan.

K: Uh-huh.

C: Not like futile, but feudal.

K: Yeah. Olden days.

C: Yeah. When I was reading the Tale of Genji because I did a class in my
undergraduate on Japanese drama.

K: Yeah.

C: So, I read the Tale of Genji. And marriage was a lot less serious. It
wasn’t a formal thing. Like, a guy could have multiple wives because his
“wives” were just all the women he was supporting. But those “wives” were under
no obligation to have only one husband. 

K: So, women could have multiple husbands

C: Men could have multiple wives, but it wasn’t really a formally recognized
thing. 

K: It was just like… all the men giving me money, I call them husband.
(laughs)

C: And then you know, you’d go and live with the woman’s parents if you
wanted to show it was a serious relationship, you’re having kids with them,
you’re raising a family with them.

K: So, wait. So… just giving money is enough, or does it have to be sex
involved?

C: I don’t know because it didn’t bring a lot of rights or obligations.

K: So, but I think there would have to be sex involved. It can’t just be
anybody who gives you money. Anybody who pays your bills.

C: Okay, yeah. That’d make it Colorado. I have friends in Colorado who every
time I talk to them remind me “we are not married even though we live together
and have for thirty years.” Because in Colorado, if you don’t tell people
you’re not married, you’re married under common law.

K: Yeah. 

C: They’re like “we are not married under common law.”