Dr. Marny is a former Pediatrician who invented the Parenting Do-Over by living it. In this episode, Dr. Marny talks about the experiences that led her to develop the Parenting Do-Over and shares what a Do-Over looks like in practicality. She even goes over the 7 Key areas of transformation that she covers with her clients, so be sure to stick around!

-

Highlights

0:37 - What inspired Marny to start parenting do-over

5:32 - What becoming a better parent looks like in practice

17:41 - Advice for parents that want to change the nutrition habits of their kids

26:25 - How to connect with Dr. Marny

27:15 - One of Marny’s epiphany’s on her own health journey

-

About Dr. Marny Turvill

Dr. Marny is a former Pediatrician who invented the Parenting Do-Over by living it. When her children were very young, she suffered from Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, a debilitating illness that created many parenting moments that she wanted to "do over." For ten years she accumulated frustration, guilt, and sadness because the dreams she had for her life and her family seemed to be lost forever. Nothing she had learned in her medical training or in the best parenting resources was helping and her family was suffering tremendously.

In 2011, Marny finally found the first piece of the complex jigsaw puzzle that led her to fully recover her health and discover how to "unmess up" herself and her kids.

Dr. Marny has learned that all good parents unintentionally mess up their kids when they haven’t dealt with their own baggage across the seven key areas of life. Her mission is to eliminate this generational cycle of trauma so that parents and their kids thrive in all aspects of life, and kids enter adulthood healthy, capable, and ready to shine in their unique purpose. Through her Functional Medicine practice and her Parenting Do-Over coaching Dr. Marny helps her clients to identify the root causes of the baggage that can cause years, decades or even a lifetime of dysfunction and discontent and guides them to release their baggage and create a life they love.

-

Connect with Dr. Marny

eGuide “7 Keys to a Successful Parenting Do-Over – How to un-mess up your kids and love your life!” at http://www.7keysgift.com

-

Connect with Dr. Lauryn

Facebook | Dr. Lauryn Lax

Twitter | @drlaurynlax

Instagram | @drlaurynlax

Website | drlauryn.com 

-

Transcript (Episode website contains full transcript)

Dr. Lauryn (00:02):

Well, Dr. Marny, I'm so excited to have you in the house today, and you're just a woman that I so admire and respect and just so accomplished I know in your career and your career path and such a heartfelt entrepreneur and healthcare provider. And so today, we're really excited to talk about Parenting Do-Over, like what that means and what that's all about. Cuz I think there is a lot of noise in the parenting world as it is just even in one's own head about parenting, and you totally get that. But before we dive into that, just give us a little bit of background about what got you inspired into even starting Parenting Do-Over.

Dr. Marny (00:37):

Well, I needed to fix my life <laugh>, right? So I was a pediatrician for 16 years, and then I got really sick, and my illness drastically affected my parenting. It also drastically affected my marriage because when you're really sick, you are not your best self. And I wasn't able to do things with my kids. I was irritable with my kids and my husband and partly because I wasn't getting any help with the illness. Like I was going for help, but nobody knew what to do with me, right? I got that classic, Oh, it must all be in your head. Which it was not. As you know, you, you've heard the, you know the whole story, but it's an illness that's typically thought of as in your head. I had multiple chemical sensitivities, which is a version of chemical toxicity and post-traumatic stress all wrapped together in a very ugly package that you look fine on the outside, but you're totally not fine on the inside <laugh>.

(01:34):

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And I just got to the point about four years into that where I actually left one part of my two part hospital physician jobs because I needed to be a better parent. And I thought that getting out of that chemical environment would help, and it didn't. And I ended up starting a retail store that was chemical-free, and that didn't help. And my parenting situation got worse and worse because I was stressed, my husband was stressed, and the kids were stressed. And it really was about finding out how do I get healthy again. And then, as I was learning more and more about getting healthy, I was discovering that it's not just the medical side of getting healthy that has to happen for you to be your best self. So I had to address my thoughts. I had to address my emotions. I had to address the spiritual side of my life.

(02:30):

I had to address my self-image, all these things, and learn relationship skills that I hadn't learned in order to really get healthy. And each one of those additional pieces I learned and put into place in my life made my life better and made me a much better parent. Right? And so in just applying that and teaching some of those things to my kids different, you know, stress management things or emotional mental health things, you know, had my kids get better as well. And so that's where it came from. And, it's interesting cuz I started in pediatrics because I've always had a passion for kids and families, and I thought, well, if I go into pediatrics, then I'll start with healthy babies, and I'll be able to teach them how to be healthy as adults. And it, you know, when I got my own illness, suddenly out of the blue, I really realized that pediatrics didn't give me any tools to meet that goal that I had. The conventional medicine world doesn't teach us how to be healthy. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, it only teaches us how to manage illness, and it poo-poos all the things that make you healthy. And I didn't realize that at first. And now it's so exciting that I do have all these things to help people be healthy. And that's how I got into it.

Dr. Lauryn (03:52):

Well, that is so cool. It makes me smile, too, because it is really like no parent is given a manual on how to be a parent. I mean, maybe you go through, like, before preparing for your baby, like how to go into labor, but after that, there's not really a parenting class and

Dr. Marny (04:06):

That's, that's right. There's manuals for how to set up your nursery. And there's manuals for how to go through labor, but after that, it's all done. And I kind of look back and laugh cuz I thought about writing a parenting manual when I was a pediatrician. And I just look at it and go, Well, that would've been totally inadequate <laugh>. Yeah. You know, now knowing what I know now. But, it is a really lacking thing. And the truth is, the more you do to better yourself to get rid of all the baggage you've accumulated in your life before you're a parent, the better a parent you're gonna be. But it's never too late to make yourself a better person and be a better parent and give your kids a better experience. Even if, even if your kids are already adults. Yeah. It's not too late to, you know, improve on that and give them a little better set of tools for life.

Dr. Lauryn (04:55):

Right. So it's kind of like, where does one even begin? And we were talking a little before the show started about like putting on your own oxygen mask and like kind of doing the work for yourself and perhaps releasing some of the pressure on just the parenting skills itself and like doing the work even that you did within your own health healing journey for sure. And that, that internal work, so to speak, and that sounds kind of abstract maybe to the listener. Can you give us some like specific concrete ideas and examples of like what some of this becoming a better parent slash, like flexing those muscles, really looks like in practice?

Dr. Marny (05:32):

Yeah, I think actually parenting skills are probably the least important part, which is maybe good news, maybe not good news. I don't know. It depends on where you are with that. But it's really about getting you into a place where you can be a good parent. So that means managing your health. So there's seven areas that I cover when I coach my clients on the Parenting Do-Over process. Right? And there's a, there's a distinct process that we go through where we look at, you know, what is the baggage they have, what are the things getting in in their way? We look at seven areas, which I'll come back to in a second. We look at what is the thing that is most bothersome to them right now in their family life. Where do they wanna go? And then we dissect it down into, well, which of the seven areas which things need to be managed to get from where you are now to where you wanna get.

(06:26):

And we're talking about a short-term goal, not the rosy grand ideal scenario that we, I mean, we should have that, but that we, we aren't gonna leap from here to there in one fell swoop. So we come up with a short-term, you know, single scenario thing that's going on and look at what are the components affecting that. And then, we look at the seven areas and then come up with a plan for activating slightly different habits or better-coping skills, better stress management, and better thoughts. So the seven areas are your own health, and sometimes it's just little tweaks you need to make. And sometimes you really do need to get some help from someone who knows how to restore health. Someone like you or me outside of the conventional healthcare system, which I don't like to bash. But the truth is that they're not good with chronic health issues.

(07:18):

The conventional healthcare system is really, really good with acute emergencies. And I want them there for me should I have an acute emergency. And with chronic health, they're only taught, and I was one of them for a long time, so I can easily say this, we are only taught how to manage illness. We're not taught that the body can actually heal and what to do to have it heal. And it's complex what to do to have it heal. Because it's not just about how you manage your body, it's also how you manage your thoughts and how you deal with past traumas and how your spiritual practices are. And they're many components to it, which is why I say parenting skills are kind of the least of it, right? So we look at health physical health, we look at mental health, which I talk about as your thoughts and your language.

(08:11):

We have like 60,000 thoughts a day, most of which are negative and on an autopilot loop mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. And those are very stressful to us. And our brain is also our humble servant. And it will make happen what we tell it to make happen. So if you go around all day saying, Oh, my back is killing me, my head is killing me, these kids are driving me crazy, your brain actually takes that as a command mm-hmm. <Affirmative> to make come true. And if you stop and think about it, there's so many things that most people say that you don't really want to come true. You know, So it's learning how to catch those and put positive thoughts in your mind without being a Pollyanna, a sun, you know, Susie's sunshine unrealistic, but making sure that you are giving your brain the commands you really want it to follow through on. Right?

(09:07):

Then the emotional health is looking at your past traumas and what, if anything, have you done to release them. Our traumas live in our tissues, which a lot of people don't know they get the body takes 'em in. And if we don't know how to deal with it appropriately at the time, which almost nobody does, because that type of healing has really only come into the forefront in the last five years, I'd say, you know, it's been growing for the last 15 or 20. But now, if you look in the alternative world, you'll see it everywhere. Trauma, healing, and all sorts of different ways to heal old wounds and new wounds. But our parents didn't know how to do it, so they couldn't teach us how to do it. And it was always just this, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going mentality that we've had, and that keeps us going.

(10:01):

But it also keeps the trauma stuck and doing damage in our bodies. So looking at how to release old traumas, but also looking at what are your day-to-day trauma triggers? What puts you into the fight-or-flight response? What has you fly off the handle? What has you go into road rage? What has you yell at your kids or yell at your spouse or be really frustrated with yourself because those are all damaging relationships, and they're setting a bad example for your kids, who only learn by what we do? We can talk all day long at our kids, but they're gonna learn what we do. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. They're going to model it. Right? So that's another part. And gratitude's a huge big part. What do you focus on? Do you focus on the good parts of life, or do you focus on the bad parts of life?

(10:48):

And what do you, what do you see? It makes a big difference. The fourth area is your self-image. So how do you, how do you see yourself? How do you talk to yourself? How do you care for yourself? How do you take responsibility for yourself? Like, stay out of the drama triangle. Like how do you own it when you've made a mistake instead of trying to put it off on someone or something else? These are also things your kids will model. And when you can get better at that, you'll be much more at peace. These are all just things that add to our cumulative stress load. And the more stressed we are, the more badly we behave. <Laugh>. Yeah. And the less well we feel. So fifth area is your spiritual health. We were all, I believe we were all put here for a reason.

(11:34):

We each have a purpose that's unique from everyone else's purpose. And we were given the gifts and talents for that even though it may be a little bit hidden and we may not have automatically gone in that direction. So what's your purpose? Who are you, what are you meant to be? A lot of people went into whatever their job or career is because it's what their parents wanted them to do, but it doesn't feed their soul. Right? And, so, if you're in a job that is sucking your soul dry, you can't be a good version of you. Which means you can't be good in your relationship. You can't be as good as a parent as you wanna be. So it's, look, looking at those things and also intuition, we have been, we have downplayed intuition so much that people don't know how to listen to it.

(12:20):

So that's another piece of it is learning to listen to what's right for you, even if it maybe goes against the grain, a little bit of what your friends or family are doing. Pay attention to that. The sixth area is relationship health, which I think is huge because that's another thing that could have a manual right, is partner relationships, relationships with kids outside of parenting. Most of us weren't taught how to have a supportive relationship. We expect other people to know what we're thinking. We expect other people to have the same priorities as us. We expect other people to behave in the same way we would behave, and they're not going to because they're not us. But we get mad at each other for being different instead of celebrating each other's strengths. And how do we bring those strengths together to create an even stronger relationship where I can support you, and you can support me with our talents where the other one is weak and how do we speak to each other kindly instead of blaming and shaming and come up with win-win situations instead of I win, you lose.

(13:28):

So that's kind of the relationship part. And then the last one is actually about kids, and it's developmental health. So the first six are really about you, the parent, making yourself better. And as you do it, you'll pass that on to your kids so that they will, you know, get these skills 20, 30 years sooner than you did, which is an awesome gift to give them as a parent. So the last one is, I call it, developmental health, which is really understanding the different stages of child development and what kids need at certain ages, what kids can and can't do at different ages. A lot of the trauma that kids take on from their parents, unintentionally, of course, I love to say that all good parents unintentionally mess up their kids because we weren't taught how to not do it. And so our baggage and, and just not knowing what we're doing causes trauma to our kids and those little microtraumas, but those microtraumas add up, and they add up into a poor self-image or, you know, bad coping mechanisms that get in the way of the, are kids doing their best as they enter the adult world.

(14:38):

But so when you understand what's appropriate for kids at different ages, you can minimize those little microtraumas and give them what they need and give them even more important is like giving them age-appropriate challenges. Cuz kids need challenges to grow, just like adults do. The only way we ever really learn is through adversity and having to figure something out. And if we coddle our kids, they're not learning anything. You know, my kids are, well, they're 19 and 22 now, so one's a freshman in college and the other one just graduated, and they look at the other kids in college, and their jaws just drop because my kids have been doing their own laundry, cooking their own foods since they were before they were 10 and cleaning the house and these other kids and, and managing their finances. And they look at these other kids who so many of 'em can't do any of that stuff. And we don't, you know, we think we're doing our kids a favor by doing stuff for them, but we're not. They have to learn, you know, we all learned, you know, less than our, our parents learned more than we did by themselves. We learned, and still learned. And now, now we've like gone this weird flip thing where we're doing everything for our kids because we want them to be kids. Yeah. Well, kids have to learn.

Dr. Lauryn (15:55):

So I would love to know. So there's a couple of parents that come to mind. I've worked with a lot of families and parents over the years. Like I started my own babysitter's club at age 10 and then just, from then on and worked in pediatrics for a time as an occupational therapist and nutritionist. And then just in my clinical practice now, I still see the lifespan just depending on what their struggles. I see a lot of avoidant, restrictive food intake disorder, actually. So a lot of picky eaters, and one parent comes to mind right now with their child, 17 years old, and only eating about five foods like bagels, pizza, cereal, a couple of cereals, and chips. And that's kind of like the diet,

Dr. Marny (16:33):

Well, that's really only two foods, isn't it? <Laugh>? Yeah,

Dr. Lauryn (16:36):

Exactly. Mostly grains and sugar. But really, I mean, working with both the parent and the child, the child is a hundred percent unmotivated to change because there's just no need to change. Like they really enjoyed the food they're eating, it's very comforting for them. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And then working with the parent, it's, I mean, she wants it so badly for her child to just be able to have food freedom because she sees like what that would give him in his life outside of like the home and just taking his food everywhere he goes and being scared to go places, et cetera. And so she wants this more than he does. So working with a parent like that who really is like, you know, she's doing, been in herself over backward and like on the phone calls for him and he just every week, Nope, I don't wanna try anything. Nope. I'm good. And I find it's a lot, it really weighs on her own worth and just seeing this as her as a parent as well and just seeing, Yeah. What would Dr. Marny advise and kind of like do in a scenario like that?

Dr. Marny (17:42):

It's such a great example, and I will tell you I was that parent.

Dr. Lauryn (17:47):

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>

Dr. Marny (17:48):

Different scenario. But both of my kids have had some major health issues. My son is fully recovered from a year of mystery illness, totally healthy, but he also doesn't eat a lot of food variety. My daughter has had severe scoliosis, well, moderately severe scoliosis, and she has autoimmune thyroid and food sensitivities that she hasn't wanted to deal with, right? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> and she, she's gotten her gluten under control, but there's some other ones that she hasn't been ready to deal with yet. And she was like, this kid you described, she wasn't super sick, she was probably having more trouble than the kid you're describing cuz she had migraines, and she had fatigue that was pretty crippling. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And she gets a lot of back, you know, muscle muscular skeletal pain from scoliosis, and I just couldn't get over myself like, I'm a bad parent if I can't get her to do this, and people are gonna think badly of me, and she's gonna struggle.

(18:50):

And I just really wanted more than anything for her not to go through the devastating health issues that I went through mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. And it made me be an awful parent to her because I was nagging her, I was pushing her, I was criticizing her for her choices, always pointing out what she was doing wrong, and never pointing out what she was doing right. And I give her so much credit, she has such a voice for herself that she kept speaking up to me and saying, The more you do this, the less I wanna comply. And I had to really sit back and think and realize that I wouldn't have made those changes if I didn't feel horrible. Right? And even an occasional migraine, I could, you know, most people will blow off. Well, I eat that stuff all the time, and I only get migraines every two or three weeks, so it can't be that.

(19:52):

So there's a hard and fast rule that people of any age will only change and make changes when the pain of changing is less than the pain of not changing. And no matter how much a parent wants it for a kid, they cannot make it happen beyond a certain age. You got a really little kid, and parents totally in control, right? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. But once you get to 10 and certainly 17, it's all on the kid. The parent can set a supportive environment and be a good role model. But the more we push, the more we nag, the more we criticize, the more we're in fear, the more the kid puts up their defenses and resists and would rather do the exact opposite of what we want. Right. So it's a great example of how we have to become our best self and look at self-responsibility and what are we responsible for as a parent and what is that kid responsible for, and how do we teach them to be self-responsible? There's no easy answer for the scenario that you put out there, but the answer is certainly that the parent has to back off mm-hmm. <Affirmative> and the parent has to get comfortable with, I'm a good enough parent, maybe I'm even a great parent. And despite that, my kid developed these picky eating things for whatever reason. And even if it was something about you as a parent modeling lousy eating earlier in the child's life, okay. Start modeling good eating.

Dr. Lauryn (21:31):

Right.

Dr. Marny (21:31):

Start talking about how good you feel when you eat well, when you sleep well, when you exercise, when you're not at your computer all day, just talk about how the changes you've made have helped you feel better without saying you should do it too. Or when are you gonna get onboard or any of that stuff? And we have to realize that we've all like look back at all the crappy behaviors we did when we were kids. None of us ate well when we were teenagers, not one of us <laugh>. Right? And it's not to say that that's not the goal, that is the goal, but you're not gonna take a picky teenager and overnight make 'em into a good eater. Yeah. Right. We can instill really good eating habits in our kids when they're young. If we have really good eating habits and it's a family affair, they'll still probably deviate in their teenage and college years because of all the temptation and examples out there in the peer pressure. But they'll notice that eating that way makes them feel worse.

Dr. Lauryn (22:31):

Yeah.

Dr. Marny (22:31):

And then they'll go back and start eating healthier again when they get outta college or when they start living off campus and have more control over their food. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, you know,

Dr. Lauryn (22:41):

A lot of the work we've been doing is just like on the intuitiveness, like how do, how do you actually feel like talking with the child or the teen <laugh> to really like begin to, to at least parallel because even though he thinks he feels fine, he's so tired all the time and just like a lot of, I think unspoken feels not grades too, you know, like bloating, gas, that kind of thing. That's just normal for so many that we don't even think of it as being not normal.

Dr. Marny (23:08):

Right. And that's the thing that's perfect because you do have to, like, get into perspective. People will say, I'm fine, there's nothing wrong. And they'll compare themselves, like my daughter who has these, these health issues, she'd look at her peers in college and say, I look healthier than them. They're on all these prescription medications for anxiety, depression, for ADHD, for acne, or whatever.

Dr. Lauryn (23:34):

Yeah.

Dr. Marny (23:34):

Why am I having these issues? I'm like, you're having them for all sorts of reasons, mostly because of food sensitivities that you know, you haven't dealt with yet, and you're much healthy. You are much healthier than they are. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Yeah. But it's just in your face because you know that you have

Dr. Lauryn (23:52):

You're aware

Dr. Marny (23:53):

You know, that it's not normal to be sick, and they just think it's normal. Like one of my favorite sayings even before I was, even, even when I was still in conventional pediatrics, was just because something's common doesn't make it normal. Mm-Hmm.

Dr. Lauryn (24:07):

<Affirmative>, I say that a lot too,

Dr. Marny (24:08):

Like allergies, seasonal allergies are not normal, they're really common.

Dr. Lauryn (24:14):

Exactly.

Dr. Marny (24:14):

Attention deficit is not normal, but it's really common.

Dr. Lauryn (24:19):

Eating big Mac cheeseburgers or sitting in front of a computer screen for 12 hours, it's very common for humans, but doesn't mean it's not,

Dr. Marny (24:25):

But it's not normal or healthy. Right? Yeah. And so we have to kind of get to looking at those, those different things, and it is about, like, what's the underlying, So you said a really good thing about getting in tune with your body and really realizing we're taught to deny like we're taught I said it before, pull up your bootstraps and go on. I'm fine, I'm fine. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, you know, I mean, we've learned even as adults in our culture, you can be on five or six prescription medications for all sorts of chronic illnesses, but as long as you're not having symptoms, you've got great health. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> no.

Dr. Lauryn (25:02):

Yeah.

Dr. Marny (25:03):

Right. But that's what we're taught. There's so much denial about health and the effect of our lifestyle on our health because no one wants to be the one to admit that they're suffering

Dr. Lauryn (25:15):

Exactly.

Dr. Marny (25:16):

That they can't keep up. Yeah. But nobody's keeping up.

Dr. Lauryn (25:19):

Definitely.

Dr. Marny (25:20):

Right. And so the whole point is like, you know, I work with people who are, say, who are willing to say, this isn't working for me. I need some help creating a better situation. Yeah. Like I had all these dreams for how I wanted my family to be, and they're not happening because of this, that, and the other thing. And they're real, those dreams are important to me, so how do I get back to them?

Dr. Lauryn (25:46):

Yeah, definitely.

Dr. Marny (25:48):

And, and the answer's one step at a time through these seven different areas and changing habits. And one, it's like climbing a mountain, you know, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and just one after another after another. And it becomes an upward spiral of improvement instead of a downward vicious cycle spiral of things getting worse.

Dr. Lauryn (26:13):

Definitely. Well, Dr. Marny, you're just a wealth of knowledge, and thanks so much for coming on. Where can people find out more about you and the work you're doing in the world?

Dr. Marny (26:25):

The best place to find out more about me is I have a little e-guide on the seven keys to a successful parenting do-over. So it'll review, you know, some of what we talked about today, and it's got a lot more than what we talked about. So that is accessible at seven. The number seven keys. K e y s gift.com. Yeah. Seven keys gift.com. And that's a great place to start. And from there, they'll get all the other ways of getting in touch with me if they wanted to. And I do also have a functional medicine practice where I see adults and kids.

Dr. Lauryn (27:02):

Very cool. We'll definitely put links in the show notes, and yeah, just something I'd love to ask, too, is like, what is something cool you've been learning lately or uncovered lately, like a light bulb epiphany you've had as your own health detective?

Dr. Marny (27:15):

Ooh. you know, I would say the best epiphany I've had lately is really learning how to stay out of fear when a health challenge is presented. And really being grateful for the body's healing abilities. Because fear and stress, I mean, fear creates a stress reaction. So stress is the number one thing that keeps us from healing. We can't heal when we're in stress. We have to be relaxed. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. So as you know, I've had a little challenge lately, and then I've really been practicing that, and it's been a huge big shift and key to just be trusting my body to heal. And staying out of fear is a huge one. And it goes for all areas of life, whether it's a health crisis or a school crisis with your kids or an eating thing with your kids. The more we can learn to stay out of fear and to create positive vibrations, really a positive frequency for ourselves, the easier any challenge is to solve.

Dr. Lauryn (28:19):

A hundred percent. And health is an inside job,

Dr. Marny (28:23):

<Laugh>. It is always an inside job.

Dr. Lauryn (28:25):

Well, Marny, thank you so much, and we'll definitely be keeping up with your work.

Dr. Marny (28:30):

Awesome. Thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity to share what I'm doing with you and your audience.

Dr. Lauryn (28:37):

Well, that's all for today's show. If you like today's episode, feel free to share it with someone who may like it too. And I also love hearing from you. Don't hesitate to click the five stars button in the app and leave a review. It helps us get the word out to other health detectives just like you, who could benefit from uncovering health truths for their body, mind, and soul. And if you need anything, reach out to me over at drlauryn.com. All right. Until next time, go out there and keep it real.