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What to expect when your psycho ex-wife stabs you ■ Why do you need a backstory? ● How will it make you rich? ● Which beer company and motel chain does Larry dis – and why? ● Meet Olga, the Siberian shanker who’s worried about her image ● How Truth Enforcers (what are they?) can save our nation ● Why Cocooning is out and Tombing is in ● Why every asshole is now a star ● All that and more, in this blockbusting episode of bilious bombast!
Ahh love! It’s a minefield. And broken love is minefield + mustard gas + machine gun fire. Which is what Oleg found out when his ex, Olga, shanked him during an argument. Once he was neutralized and bleeding out, she grabbed her phone and snapped a few selfies, which she promptly posted on social media. All this as their toddler looked on, learning about healthy relationships.
But, all’s well that ends well. Oleg survived. Olga is an internet star, and she has provided herself and her kid with a fantastic backstory. Backstories now mean more than front stories, don’t they? Drive, moxie, hard work and talent will only get you so far. In these times, you need a punchy, tear-jerky, treacly tale of victimhood. That’s how to light the jets on your career.
Here’s Olga...

with her gut-stabbed hubby behind her, bleeding out. Doesn’t Olga look sympathetic? Somebody set up a Gofundme for her already. She probably dulled her knife on Oleg’s ribs, and needs a new one.
Whether you’re appearing on Shark Tank or The Voice, applying to college or running for Congress, you MUST have a back story, and the sappier, the better. Here are some buttons to consider for your backstory beats.
● Raised by single parent (or total orphan, even better!)
● Was bullied as a child
● Overcame drug addiction
● Peace Corps alum
● Raised in inner city
● Former cult member
● Once hurt someone’s feelings, but apologized
● Ed Sheeran fan
That should do it. Now watch your career soar!
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