What do these three things have in common: The steering wheel in any car, the handlebars of a tandem bicycle, and the steering wheel of a boat. Besides the fact that they are totally cool to look at and are all things that I have touched at least once in my life they actually share a lot in common. They are used to change the direction of whatever vehicle to which they are attached, but more importantly is this commonality. They all are only to be controlled by one person at a time.

Can you imagine the amount of trouble that would happen if someone were to be sitting in the passenger’s seat and start steering the car while the driver is attempting to drive down the highway? Pure chaos would ensue. Could you imagine if the person on the back seat of a tandem bicycle were to try to reach in front of the front seat rider and steer? The bike would topple over immediately.

Just as these two examples would lead to chaos and trouble, this is what can happen and is probabilistically bound to happen when two people are trying to lead a relationship at the same time. When two people are steering the helm at the same time it can lead to relational wandering and eventually mutiny. A boat cannot travel in two directions at the same time, and as long as one person thinks that the ship is going the wrong way and it is their job to correct it, they will find themselves never making it to any destination.

In this blog post I would like to outline a few possible options that you should consider if you find yourself at a bypass as to who is manning the helm of your relationship. To iterate the points, I will explain them in anecdotal form.

The Solo Pilot Approach

A few years ago I was on a road trip over thanksgiving break that I couldn’t have been more excited to be on. My sister and I were going to make the drive from the Chicago-land area to visit our pregnant sister in Florida for Thanksgiving. Due to work circumstances, we didn’t get on the road until the sun was setting. We had a long drive ahead of us.

My sister and I had it in mind that we would drive straight on through the night and into the next day to make it to Florida without delay. My sister and I discussed who would do the driving, and while we both agreed to drive, we were essentially driving alone. When one of us would take a shift of driving, the other would climb into the back seat of the car in order to attempt to sleep. She took the first shift at driving which led us into Indiana where we soon encountered a powerful downpour of rain that made windshield wipers obsolete. This was my cue to take over.

I drove that night through powerful storms as my sister attempted to sleep in the back seat. I settled in with some fuel for me to power through the night and as the hours ticked on and the night began to fade, we found ourselves in the mountains of Tennessee. I had pushed myself to the limit of what I could handle as a driver physically and emotionally as we crested the top of the Smokey Mountains to the tune of Here Comes the Sun with the sun rising to meet me. I drove down the other side of the mountain, pulled off of the highway, and told my sister that it was her turn to drive.

When this changing of the drivers took place and every changing of the drivers after that took place, we found ourselves exchanging a very grumpy driver for a less than prepared replacement who would soon tire of driving.

When one person is in charge of leading the ship in where it is going and the other is not involved, that leader will tire quickly and find him or herself resenting the other person. Leading is not an easy job, and can tire a person out quicker than anything else. When one person leads alone, the ship will soon find itself without anyone willing to take the helm to lead again.

The All Pilots Approach

The All Pilots Approach is very different from the Solo Pilot Approach in that everyone in the relationship is responsible for leading the ship to its ...