In this episode, we perceive a unique strategy in communication, as depicted in Sangam Literary work, Kalithogai 37, penned by Kabilar. The verse is situated in the ‘Kurinji’ or ‘Mountains landscape’ and narrates an incident that unfolded in the millet fields.

கய மலர் உண்கண்ணாய்! காணாய்: ஒருவன்
வய மான் அடித் தேர்வான் போல, தொடை மாண்ட
கண்ணியன் வில்லன், வரும்; என்னை நோக்குபு,
முன்னத்தின் காட்டுதல் அல்லது, தான் உற்ற
நோய் உரைக்கல்லான் பெயரும்மன், பல் நாளும்;
பாயல் பெறேஎன், படர் கூர்ந்து, அவன்வயின்
சேயேன்மன் யானும் துயர் உழப்பேன்; ஆயிடைக்
கண் நின்று கூறுதல் ஆற்றான், அவனாயின்;
பெண் அன்று, உரைத்தல், நமக்காயின்; ‘இன்னதூஉம்
காணான் கழிதலும் உண்டு’ என்று, ஒரு நாள், என்
தோள் நெகிழ்பு உற்ற துயரால் துணிதந்து, ஓர்
நாண் இன்மை செய்தேன்: நறுநுதால்! ஏனல்
இனக் கிளி யாம் கடிந்து ஓம்பும் புனத்து அயல்,
ஊசல் ஊர்ந்து ஆட, ஒரு ஞான்று வந்தானை,
‘ஐய! சிறிது என்னை ஊக்கி’ எனக் கூற,
‘தையால்! நன்று! என்று அவன் ஊக்க, கை நெகிழ்பு
பொய்யாக வீழ்ந்தேன், அவன் மார்பின்; வாயாச் செத்து,
ஒய்யென ஆங்கே எடுத்தனன் கொண்டான்; மேல்
மெய் அறியாதேன் போல் கிடந்தேன்மன்; ஆயிடை
மெய் அறிந்து ஏற்று எழுவேனாயின், மற்று ஒய்யென,
‘ஒண்குழாய்! செல்க’ எனக் கூறி விடும் பண்பின்
அங்கண் உடையன் அவன்.

We enter the new domain of the hills, where love is in the first stages of blooming. The words can be translated as follows:

“O maiden with kohl-streaked eyes, akin to pond flowers! Consider this: A man, wearing a fine, well-woven, flower garland, holding a bow, who appeared to be tracking footprints of a tiger, arrived here; He looked at me, and other than subtle signs that I could perceive, he refrained from speaking about the love affliction in him and parted away in this manner, for many days; Without getting any sleep, filled with worry, I felt sadness for the state of this stranger; However, he still wouldn’t express what was in him; And being a woman, it was not right for me to speak it out aloud either; Thinking, ‘If this goes on, he might even end his life’, one day, deciding to relieve the suffering that had made my arms thin away, with boldness, I did a shameless thing, O maiden with a fragrant forehead! When I went to chase away the flock of parrots from the millet field, and took a moment to sway on the swings there, I asked him who arrived there, ‘O lord, can you push this swing for me?’. He said, ‘O young maiden, I will do this good thing’, and pushed me on the swing. At that moment, pretending that I lost my grip, I fell on his chest; Thinking that it was true, he held me safely on his chest. As if I was unconscious, I lay there upon him for a while. Had I risen up from that state, he would have immediately said, ‘O maiden wearing radiant earrings! Please leave now’. Such was the thoughtful nature he seemed to have!”

Time to explore the nuances. The verse is situated in the context of a man’s love relationship with the lady, prior to marriage, and speaks in the voice of the confidante to the lady. The confidante talks about an incident involving a man, whom she had noticed passing by where they lived. She describes him as someone wearing a flower garland and holding a bow. She also notes that he seemed to be tracking some wild animal, possibly a tiger. The confidante talks about how this man kept looking in her direction and appeared to want to say something, but he wouldn’t express it, and went away, looking as if he had some angst in him. This went on for many days. She talks about how this affected her, and how his worry seemed to become contagious, and she too, lost her sleep. The confidante talks about how it was wrong as a woman to openly ask him about anything. To break this vicious cycle and worrying that the man may even take his life, the confidante decides to do something she calls as a ‘shameless thing’. It’s common knowledge that these maiden from the mountains have the work of chasing away parrots from millet fields. So, as the confidante was doing this, that man came by, and she asked him to push the swing that was put up nearby, and he too readily agreed. When he was pushing the confidante on the swing, she pretended to slip off from the swing and fell on his chest. Thinking it was true, the man held her safe. She says that she lay there pretending to be unconscious for if at all, she had opened her eyes, he would have immediately asked her to leave, for someone might see. Such was the good and thoughtful nature he had, the confidante concludes.

This was a rendition that gave me quite some trouble understanding the context! Is the confidante talking about her love interactions with some person? Although she too is a young maiden like the lady, we have never explored her story of love in any of the verses. Is she talking in the voice of the lady like she often does, seeing them both as one? For this situation, it seemed to me as highly inappropriate. Then, reading different interpretations and thinking more about it, I understood that this was a technique to get the lady to open up about her love relationship with the man. The confidante knows that such events happened between the lady and the man, because the man has been approaching her, trying to win her confidence. So, the confidante becomes a master storyteller to craft this imaginary story about her and another man, so that her friend will open up, and reveal the contents of her heart and her feelings about the man, which she was rather shy to disclose on her own volition. Apparently, this was an important stage in the love relationship between the man and the lady, for only with the confidante’s blessing, they could progress to the next stage of trysting!

Curious customs of the past indeed, filled with a lot of implied rules such as ‘women must not be the first to express their feelings to men’, ‘women’s sense of shame would prevent them from talking about their love relationship to even their close friends’, and so on. In an equal world, all this seems amusing, and it’s liberating to see that in our time, both men and women have the freedom to express their love to each other and also talk to others around them about their feelings of love for someone! While we cannot exactly appreciate all this roundabout ways to get a friend speaking, the verse does present a valid truth about communication in that, we cannot expect another to open up if we appear to be closed ourselves. Establishing trust and reciprocity seem to be the subtle inferences that we can take away from this ancient communication between two women!