Mike Schulz, Dave Levora, and Darren Pitra discuss at length the perilous state of super-hero films — and, moreover, movies with numbers in their titles — before getting down to discuss the merits of, funnily enough, The Equalizer 3, directed by Antoine Fuqua and starring Denzel Washington as retired Marine and DIA officer Robert McCall. This is supposedly the final film in a trilogy that neither Mike, Darren, nor David thought even existed; they weren’t aware that The Equalizer 3 was a thing until they saw the previews. They knew that it’s an adaptation of the TV series of the same name, starring Edward Woodward as McCall in the first run (1985-89) and rebooted for Queen Latifah, who portrays Robyn McCall (2021-present). Schulz said he hated the first film and didn’t have time to see the second one, so his threshold of excitement was fairly low going in to the third. Schulz thought the material in The Equalizer 3 clichéd, filled with the two types of Italians we’ve seen in cinema since Edward G Robinson croaked out, “Is this the end of Rico?” We’re talking about the life-loving, excitable, Mama and Papa Leone types and the dead-eyed, throat-cutting Mafia jabronis — the kind of two-dimensional dolts whom David Chase alternately satirized and explored untold depths in six seasons of The Sopranos. Despite Fuqua lacking any of Chase’s ambitions or talent, Schulz enjoyed watching Washington “because he is clearly, at this point in his career, past the point where he has to prove anything. [Washington] can just show up, be confident, and talk quietly, and grin, and shake his head at how stupid these mafiosos are at getting in his way and refusing to back off; and it’s just such a delight. You can hear the happiness in the audience whenever Denzel’s, like, ready to kill people. He makes the whole thing worthwhile.” Schulz brought his 81-year-old mom with him to see it, and she loved it, in spite of (or perhaps because of?) how gory the whole thing was. Levora notes that no one has a hard time getting their moms to watch Denzel Washington, who is pushing seventy himself, who remember him from as far back as his 1982-88 run on St Elsewhere. (Pitra adds that the same cannot be said about Howie Mandel. True, that. Sad, that.) About the film Bottoms, which director Emma Seligman co-wrote with Rachel Sennott, who also co-stars with Ayo Edebiri, who is in seemingly everything these days, Schulz commends its “great subversive premise” of the charming old “teens-wanna-get-laid” theme, “but the teens are high-school senior lesbians.” Sennott and Edebiri believe opening a self-defense club (but really a Fight Club) so they can seduce cheerleaders. The plot, Schulz says, is “all kinda rapey and kind of, like, horrible, but done as a big slapstick comedy.” One would think that, given the set-up Schulz describes, he could overlook the usual concerns about teen comedies (where the “teens” are clearly in their twenties), where “the more outlandish it gets, the less you care,” but Schulz asks, “When anything can happen, what’s there to subvert?” Clearly, the critics have been playing up the whole “subversive” angle of the film, to the point where Schulz couldn’t derive as much pleasure from it as he hoped he would. He was hoping for a Heathers, “which you could see happening in the real world,” but Bottoms fell well short of that august standard. Oh, well. It sounded a lot better than Zombie Town, directed by Peter Lepeniotis and starring Chevy Chase, Dan Ackroyd (SNL alums! Back for the first time since 1985’s Spies like Us! Not counting 1991’s Nothing but Trouble!), Bruce McCulloch, Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall alums! Back for the first time since — last year! On Amazon Prime!), Marlon Kazadi, Henry Czerny, Madi Monroe, and author R L Stine in a cameo appearance). “Disappointingly bad” is how Schulz puts it; a bunch of wasted opportunities (neither Chase nor Ackroyd really share a scene, nor do McCulloch or Thompson). “It was a Canadian production,” Schulz pointed out, “which broke my heart, because aren’t they supposed to be funnier than we are?” “Laugh-free” is how Schulz describes this attempt at a comedy. Best forget it like Nothing but Trouble (which our three critics have already done, having decided that 1985’s Spies like Us was the last time Chase and Ackroyd paired up). As for previews, Schulz awaits My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (“Bring it on. Every sixteen years, we have to get one of these”) and The Nun II, which takes place in the Conjuring universe of shared paranormal phenomena. And that’s it, preview-wise. What follows this is Levora’s pitch for a toy tie-in film that might win an Oscar. No, it isn’t The Mousetrap. Think Slinky. And Levora has researched this concept to such an insane degree that Hollywood, having endured a prolonged strike, really should put everything they have into making this a reality. Really, you have to hear him roll it out. . .