Mike Schulz, Dave Levora, and Darren Pitra point out that, traditionally, no good movies have been released in the last week of August. This fact suggests the forthcoming Liam Neeson action/road-thriller Retribution may be an even bigger box-office crash than the three of them anticipate. Still, they’re going to see it this Friday, and they expect the resulting wreckage to provide a schadenfreude-provoking good time. They’re inviting their listeners to take in the spectacle as well — and, possibly, inadvertently convince the local cinema, based on opening-night attendance, to hold it over an extra week. As for Gran Turismo, Schulz isn’t sure why Sony Pictures is promoting the film as incessantly as it has, as a TV viewer has essentially absorbed a mini-film’s worth of previews well ahead of its release, and they may conclude they can wait a while longer for it to stream. Still, as video-game cinematic adaptations go, Gran Turismo, directed by Neill Blomkamp from a screenplay by Jason Hall and Zach Baylin, isn’t bad. In fact, according to Schulz, “it’s okay.” The film concerns Jann Mardenborough (Archie Madekwe), who proved such an excellent player of the racing-simulation game Gran Turismo that someone in a position of authority thought it might be a great idea to put Mardenborough behind the wheel of an actual sport-car and see how he does. Can’t argue with that logic! Although this film is “Based on a True Story” — and in some countries, those words are a part of the film’s title — the very seeming-implausibility of the story feels as baked as thoroughly into the film’s structure as its product-placement. However, the cast, in particular Madekwe, and including a 46-year-old Orlando Bloom (what’s he been doing?), really sell the reality of reality’s unreality as best as actors can under such confusing conditions. Schulz’s conclusion? “I didn’t hate it.” Concerning Ángel Manuel Soto’s Blue Beetle (“that I did hate”), the only thing inventive about the film is that the protagonist and his family are Mexican-American — “and that’s where the invention stopped,” according to Schulz. “[Soto and his producers said,] ‘That’s all we need to do. Everything else will take care of itself.'” Clearly, that’s not what happened. Given the titular hero gets his powers from an ancient alien artifact known as the Scarab, no one stopped to reflect upon the fact the beetle-shaped amulets and impression seals of the Scarabaeus sacer, meant to pay homage to the Egyptian god Khepri, are also representations of the dung beetle. No one really thought there might be some hidden symbolism there? Well, the character’s creator, Steve Ditko, may not have known; may not even had cared if so informed; or perhaps he did know, and he did care, but preferred to keep it his own secret joke on the comic-book-buying audience circa 1966. The more one thinks about it, given Ditko’s political/philosophical beliefs — for him, Ayn Rand didn’t take her epistemology as far as he would have preferred — he might well have intended the third route, given that people who put on costumes and fight crime for the very sake of fighting crime and wearing costumes aren’t really providing the world a value-add service, given the social plentitude and pervasiveness of crime. They might as well be pushing balls of dung around endlessly, for all the real good they offer. As for the costumes, they may be as useful as a prophylactic against endless ridicule as they are disguising their wearers from criminals who also wear costumes. Needless to say, none of this factored into Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer’s script. The only value-add it offers is the cultural spin on the super-hero concept in its depiction of Mexican-Americans — and if you are Mexican-American watching this amidst a mixed audience, Soto provides so many cringe moments (George Lopez as a low-rider whose car plays “La cucaracha” actually happens) that no one would hate on you if you were to walk up to the screen, take out a spray-paint can, and write “ICE’D OUT OF THE DIALOGUE” across it. ¡Manténgase alejado! Then there’s Josh Greenbaum’s Strays, featuring a cast of dogs voiced by humans (Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Park) and one straight-up douche-nozzle of a human (Will Forte), upon whom revenge must be exacted. The plot is essentially a “filthy, absolutely disgusting” Homeward Bound, with Dan Perrault’s script offering laughs a-plenty (particularly from Foxx, whom Schulz says he’s “funnier than he has been in ages” — and here Schulz draws out the word “ages”). Disturbing plot undertones notwithstanding, Schulz loved it, particularly how well-thought-out were the gags, stemming from the dogs’ perspectives. Now, Schulz has been out of town a lot, so he’s also caught films that are currently streaming, like the recent Amazon Prime Red, White, and Royal Blue, co-written by Matthew Lopez in his feature-film directorial début. “I wish the film was good,” Schulz says. “It’s not.” The best thing about it might be Uma Thurman’s portrayal of the nation’s first female president as a “very Southern” woman who’s from Austin, but her vowels sound like they emanate from New Orleans. Watching Thurman enunciate was a fun spectacle in itself. The rest of the cast lack any chemistry — particularly the leads, Taylor Zakhar Perez as Alex Claremont-Diaz, Thurman’s son, and Nicholas Galitzine as Prince Henry, the royal spare tire, whose love for one another is of the Oscar Wilde variety (“the love that dare not speak its name”), but without any of the Wildean wit. The other two films Schulz saw, Of an Age and Close, both from 2022, which also share gay themes, played in Iowa City over the weekend. Of an Age, written and directed by Goran Stolevski, is set in Australia and features Elias Anton as Nikola ‘Kol’ Denic, a Serbian immigrant who has a brief romance with Adam Donegal (Thom Green), the brother of his ballroom dance partner, Ebony (Hattie Hook). “There’s really not much to it,” Schulz says, adding, “It’s just really incredibly well-observed and moving.” Of an Age premiered last August at the at the Melbourne International Film Festival. Close, which premiered last May at the Cannes Film Festival, was directed by Lukas Dhont and co-written with Angelo Tijssens. The film, set in rural Belgium, concerns Eden Dambrine as Leo and Gustav De Waele as Rémi, whose intimate-but-not-physical relationship gets disrupted by the retrogressive homophobia of their peers, with tragic consequences — “an incredibly well-done, sad” film. On the lighter side of things, previews of Bottoms, which premiered at South by Southwest this past May, appears to confirm the return of the teen sex comedy heralded by No Hard Feelings, as it concerns Rachel Sennott as PJ and (can’t get rid of her; she’s omnipresent) Ayo Edebiri as Josie, two high-school seniors who want to get rid of their virginities in a hot hurry. They decide the best way to attract and mack on all the hot cheerleaders is to set up a fight club. Well, one presumes, there are worse ways to go about taking advantage of the Pon Farr blood rituals that budding teenage femininity undergoes with college life beckoning o’er the horizon. Directed by Emma Seligman and co-written with Sennott, Bottoms looks like a solid see. And, much like the aforementioned hormone-addled bonkers behavior of Bottoms, Retribution beckons, as our trio have known they had to see this the moment they became aware of its existence. Now, as promising as Retribution‘s premise seems, there is always the risk that the film will be bad — just not in an über-camp-spectacle fashion. To paraphrase a line from an inexplicably-beloved abomination of a cinematic classic, “Bad movies are like a box of chocolates. .  you never know just what you’re gonna get.” So bear that in mind when you go see Retribution. Also, be sure to sneak in a Whitman Sampler. With that box of chocolates, you know exactly what you’re gonna get. Cheerio, filmgoers!

“Gran Turismo,” “Blue Beetle,” “Strays,” “Red, White, & Royal Blue,” “Of an Age,” and “Close”