Mike Schulz talks with Dave Levora and Darren Pitra about the utter failure of Haunted Mansion, both as a film (a cast whose individual comic sensibilities jar against one another) and a money-making proposition ($38.7 million to date against a $150 million budget). The straight-up horror film Talk to Me, directed by Danny and Michael Philippou, had better acting and started strongly, with a distinctly modern take on demonic-possession stories (cellphones get used a lot), and managed to get laughs straight from its premise (whereas Haunted Mansion director Justin Simien sought to farm out the funny directly from his dissonant cast). Where it faltered was a common-place mistake made by too many latter-day horror filmmakers, where they don’t stick to the rules they laid down at the jump, and, worse still, keep changing them as they go along. Moreover, Schulz had a problem sussing out the Australian accents, and the Philippou bros show didn’t offer any Trainspotting-style compromises, such as subtitling the more linguistically-arcane stretches for the less-traveled Americans. Then there’s The Baker, “every revenge thriller you’ve ever seen” (per Schulz). Ron Perlman, the titular baker, has the unenviable dual task of getting some revenge on the murderers of his son and trying to nurture his granddaughter (played by Emma Ho) out of her recent trauma. The takeaway is that Perlman’s baker has a heart of gold and a capacity for bloody mayhem, but it all works out for him in the end. Schulz isn’t shedding any tears on behalf of The Baker’s departure from theaters, given how badly such a dodgy premise was executed by director Jonathan Sobol. The forthcoming films discussed by our intrepid trio are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (“Looks fun,” says Schulz. “I like the animation style”; he’s also eagerly anticipating Ayo Edebiri’s participation); and Meg 2: The Trench, which can fairly be described in two words: Jurassic Shark. (Come to think of it, that may have been the tag-line for the original 1997 novel by Steve Alten, Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror.) Jason Statham kicked the dino-shark’s tail in the first one, and one expects more of that from JS in the sequel. Since the writing team of Jon and Erich Hoeber and Dean Georgaris has returned for Round Two, Schulz expects more of the self-aware humor of the first film, and he will be legitimately crestfallen if director Ben Wheatley somehow finds a way to thwart it. Oh, please, Mr Wheatley, you cannot break this poor theater critic’s heart! Just follow director Jon Turteltaub’s example from the first film and you cannot possibly miss! Schulz’s heart is in your hands, Mr Wheatley! Please, please, please!. . .

“Haunted Mansion,” “Talk to Me,” and “The Baker”