Episode description: In this episode of Peace Meal, we hear from Darby Kellogg, a former collegiate runner who spent years in pseudo-recovery after receiving treatment for anorexia. Darby reflects on how her eating disorder took root in the culture of competitive running, where an intense focus on performance, discipline, and “clean eating” often normalized or hid her disordered behaviors. When medical concerns forced her to stop training and enter inpatient care, she felt like she was losing the identity she had built around her sport. In the years that followed, Darby felt stuck in what she now recognizes as pseudo-recovery: doing what “looked right” externally while still following disordered rules internally. It’s an experience she says is more common than people realize, but rarely talked about. In this conversation, Darby shares how she came to recognize that surface-level recovery wasn’t enough, and what helped her begin the deeper, lasting work of true healing. About Darby: Darby Kellogg lives in Michigan and is on a mission to help others in eating disorder recovery. Darby has been in recovery from anorexia for six years and is currently in PA school. A former collegiate runner, she has firsthand experience navigating eating disorder treatment at multiple levels of care. Now, she’s especially passionate about challenging misconceptions around recovery, including giving voice to the role of neuro-rewiring and the process of unlearning ingrained beliefs.  We cover: The role of sport and perfectionism in Darby’s eating disorder experience Darby’s early eating disorder warning signs What it was like to lose her sport and identity as an athlete Why pseudo-recovery can keep someone stuck How eating disorders can get in the way of showing up fully in relationships How recovery has reshaped Darby’s relationship with movement and her future in medicine In Darby’s words: On her experience with pseudo-recovery: “I was eating the food I was supposed to. I was resting my body…I was doing just enough to make my providers and parents happy, but also serve the eating disorder. I was doing these things on paper, but none of the mental processes were changing. I was still looking to the eating disorder for guidance. I wasn’t pushing against those thought patterns that the eating disorder is rooted in.” On relationships and recovery: “Recovery is about relationships...And if you prioritize your relationships, you will realize that the eating disorder is not in your best interest. You can't have these relationships if you want to keep your eating disorder. You have to, in a sense, choose one.” On choosing recovery: “The phrase that I have always come back to when I have been struggling is ‘choose your hard.’ It's going to be hard no matter what you do. You have to accept that…it's really extremely difficult to recover from an eating disorder. But it's also extremely hard to never recover and not see all the beautiful things on the other side of it. You get to choose which path you want to take and which hard you want to do. Instead of doing the ‘safe scary’ things, do the ‘scary scary’ things.” On reclaiming her relationship with movement: “I've thought of it more now as building my body rather than tearing it down. I’m training more for functional strength now. Am I gonna be able to hold my grandkids when I’m 80? I'm training for health and longevity. I'm not training to beat any records.” Learn more about The Emily Program online or by calling 1-888-364-5977.  - About the podcast: Peace Meal is a podcast hosted by The Emily Program that covers topics related to eating disorders, body image, and how society may influence our thinking. You can find Peace Meal on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube Music. If you enjoy our show, please rate, review, subscribe, and tell your friends! Are you interested in being a guest on Peace Meal? Email podcast@emilyprogram.com for more information.