RABBI DONIEL FRANK | Director, M.A.P. Seminars, Inc., Marriage and Family Therapist

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Hebrew is the only language in which the word for “lifeâ€, chayim, is in the plural. But more specifically, it’s not a plural that includes many, but a plural that’s used in relation to pairs. For example, its suffix “ayim†is the same as in the plural for two days (yom’ayim), two years (shnat’ayim), two ears (azna’yim)… and even in the number two (shna’yim).

So what does all this mean?

The Torah says, “v’chai achicha imach,†“let your brother live with you,†and from this posuk we learn a variety of mitzvahs that require us to help people. But with this specific choice of words, we see that the Torah’s goal is for us to live with our brother. According to Rav Shlomo Wolbe, the lesson of all of this is that life, as defined by the word itself, is meant to be lived with others. That means that, to really live, we can’t be reclusive. We have to be social, reach out, and be there for other people. The enterprise of life requires that we live with our brother.

But why exactly is that?

And, furthermore, because the plural structure is for two, it means that to achieve life, we have to get there through one person at a time.

Why is that?

The key to this concept is not really so much in socialization but in being there for others. The goal of life is to give, and the optimum setting in which to do that is with one person. That’s because when we socialize with groups of people, the distraction of diversity makes it hard to focus on each person in the group and really experience one another.

On the other hand, in one-on-one encounters, we’re better able to see and notice the other. We can perceive stuff that lies below his or her surface. We can be completely present for the other and notice the non-verbal expressions that might say so much more about what’s going on for them than what their words convey. And when we are careful to focus, face-to-face on the other, we can give to them in a deep and meaningful way.

Public speakers know the power of two. Instead of scanning through the audience and seeing blurred faces in their audience, they make eye contact and connect with one person at a time.

Documentary film writers know it as well. They know to focus on one man’s story, rather than on the multitudes, because one man’s story, in all of its detail and without distraction, is compelling. It grabs our attention and builds our empathy.

To give in the way that the relationship of two allows is, of course, the goal of our ultimate human dyad: marriage. But it’s also the goal in all of our relationships. And the better we are at it, the more alive we are because it’s in the relationship of two where we’re able to be most compassionate, most giving, and, therefore, most GDly. 

And that might be why the Gemara chose to say that Rabbi Akiva had 12,000 pairs of students that died, rather 24,000 individual students. Maybe the message is that, while we live in the dyad when we do it right, we can also die in the dyad when we don’t. When we’re set up in a one-on-one and we’re not there for the other, it’s destructive. If so, then the lesson we need to learn during these days is to seek and strengthen our one-on-one relationships so that, with a deep desire to give, together with some relationship skills, we can truly infuse our life with life.

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