Fathers, do you sometimes wish your
children were born with an instruction manual? Being a dad is such a big
responsibility. A father’s love, emotional presence, approval, and support for
his children—from their early lives, through their teenage years, and beyond—is
a significant factor in helping them to become secure, able to love and give to
others. On the other hand, a lack of love from a father can contribute to various
kinds of anxiety and insecurity in relationships and in life functioning. Fatherhood
matters so much. Yet it’s not an easy task. That’s why the words of the apostle
Paul in Ephesians 6:4 are so helpful for us. Paul here gives instructions to
fathers. It’s not a detailed manual for exactly what to do in every situation.
But what Paul says here is fundamental, and goes a long way to helping us see
how to be a dad:

Fathers, don’t provoke your children, but nurture them in the training and admonition of the Lord.Ephesians 6:4

Why does Paul single out fathers here? After
all, in the previous verses, Paul has been speaking of the need for children to
obey and honour both their father and their mother (Ephesians
6:1–2). And of course, since mothers are intimately involved in raising
children, the instructions here are relevant to mothers too (even more so in
the case of single mums). But here, Paul deliberately chooses to speak to fathers
about their responsibilities. Why is that? It’s because fathers need to hear
this instruction directly. It’s too easy for us to abdicate our responsibility to
care for and nurture our children, and to leave it up to mum. But Paul is
saying here that fathers need to realise we have a special responsibility
towards our children; we must not just palm it off, but we must take it
seriously.

There are several significant things we
can learn from this verse about our responsibility as fathers.

Don’t provoke your children

Paul begins with a negative instruction:
“don’t provoke your children”. The word “provoke” means to do things
that can give our children a reason to become angry and filled with resentment.
This is a warning that fathers need to hear. Whether we realise it or not, we fathers
have great power over our children. We’re stronger than they are. They rely on
us. They listen to us. We have inherent authority: what we say, goes,
especially when they’re very young. Thankfully, it’s not unlimited power and
authority! But it’s still real. We need to recognise the reality of this power and
authority we have over our children, for two reasons. Firstly, we need to actually
use that power rightly, for the good of our children. Authority isn’t bad in
itself, but it is there for a purpose. Authority must be matched by
responsibility, and used for the good of others. And secondly, if we don’t
recognise that authority goes hand in hand with responsibility, it’s easy—far too
easy—to wield that power wrongly and in a way that provokes our children.

How could we fathers “provoke” our
children? We could do it by our attitudes, our words, and our actions.
Provocation can arise from such things as severe discipline and harsh demands. It
can arise from being arbitrary in our instructions, or not following through on
our warnings. It can arise from being unfair, favouring one child over another,
either out of laziness or even intentionally.