Brooke Rasmussen is completing her masters in Marriage and Family Therapy at Whitworth University in Spokane, Washington and is an intern at Partners with Families and Children, a social safety net for families facing neglect and abuse. Brooke is passionate about helping clients find personal and relational growth in their marriages and teaches Gottman Institute Marriage Courses online with her husband, Scott. Her research at Whitworth focuses on pornography use and its connections to emotional intelligence. Brooke and Scott traveled the world through his career as a diplomat, living in Africa, Europe, and the Middle East before putting down roots in Spokane with their eight children. Brooke’s experience as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is fundamental to her development as a leader and thinker.

02:15 Introduction to Brooke and the topic of personal development

05:30 Brooke’s process of preparing for the Leading Saints Women’s Conference

07:45 What is a vertical relationship?

10:00 In a vertical relationship, there are only winners and losers. You are one up or one down. It can lead to pulling rank, shaming, and others feeling less than.

14:30 Identifying our own behaviors of trying to one up someone else

16:30 Kurt gives examples of one-up situations

18:40 We go one down in a vertical relationship when we are playing a victim role. When we are minimizing our choices and acting like we are forced into things. When we hide our needs or desires.

20:00 A one-down mindset can be when we let others emotionally protect us or we try to protect them. This happens a lot in families. Brooke gives examples of what this looks like.

22:00 Playing small can be deflecting or self deprecating. It’s ok to want to aspire.

24:30 Historically women use the one-down spot for power. There is a victim power.

26:00 It gets tricky with the one-down position by saying it’s a Christlike position

26:30 Brooke explains what it really means to turn the other cheek

28:30 Christ invites us to have horizontal relationships, where we are all on equal ground

29:40 The call of Christianity isn’t a call to be a victim. It’s a call to step into power.

30:40 If someone tries to one-up you then what does it look like to bring them back down to a horizontal relationship?

31:30 Brooke shares her own personal experience of a marriage fight and stopping the dynamic of trying to one-up each other

34:15 What to do in a church meeting when you feel like you got bulldozed. Learn to speak up for yourself and bring a meeting back to horizontal.

37:20 What can you do or say when someone else is playing the one-down card and acting like they are fine? You know they are trying to be accommodating. You can invite them to equal ground.

38:15 How anxiety plays into the horizontal and vertical relationship dynamics

41:00 God has established horizontal relationships and plans since the beginning of time. It’s not meant to be a power struggle, that is why He established councils.

42:00 If you are receiving as much as you are giving then you aren’t going to get burned out in your calling. It has to be a team effort and a horizontal experience in our wards.

46:20 We shouldn’t abolish all authority and priesthood keys but it’s all about inner intention. As a leader you can take the time to listen to everyone and put yourself on equal ground with others.

49:30 What to do when you have a tyrannical leader? Some people will refuse to step down.

51:30 There are real victims and perpetrators. We can still find dignity in our situation and show respect for ourselves.

The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Jennifer Finlayson Fife

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