Alexis Monville and I reflect on a time I gave feedback that was not well received and what we both learned from it. Hopefully you’ll learn something too. Background Today’s conversation is rebroadcast of a conversation I had with Alexis Monville on his podcast about giving feedback. When we recorded this conversation back in January 2020, I didn’t realize I had also helped create the first chapter of a new book Alexis and Michael Doyle were writing called, I Am a Software Engineer and I am in Charge. This was also ironic since I was originally going to write it with them, but then decided not to. Conversation Highlights * Changing Your Team From the Inside by Alexis Monville * The hidden motives in asking for feedback–what are you looking for? * Affirmation * Honest feedback about what would make something better * Something else *  The Agile Manifesto speaks to interactions between people * Interactions are more important than processes and tools * Focus on the content and less on the delivery * Our thoughts about an experience create the experience, not the experience it self * Taking responsibility for what we put out into the world and being responsible for our own reactions * Sometimes it’s better to be direct instead of provocative–otherwise the message risks getting lost * Unmet expectations and by extension unmet needs get us into trouble * Taking a step back to observer what is going on instead of getting hooked * Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg * Software engineers a have reputation for being overly direct and getting away with it * Does the receiver of feedback really just have to “deal with it?” * Can you have a real relationship with another person if it’s a one-directional “deal with it, that’s the way I am” kind of situation? * Can you have a good relationship where there isn’t give and take? * The idea of relationship as a dance between two people * Our previous conversation about distributed teams and the importance of creating agreements * Agreements are foundational to good relationships * Exiting the agony loop of getting an email “just right” so as not to elicit the wrong response from the other person * “Both And” responsibility * There’s a mutual responsibility In a relationship for both parties to make it work vs. it being all up to one person to do it 100% right * A level deeper in all of this is where we are coming from * John’s new insights and convictions from reading The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute * Coming from a heart at war or a heart at peace * When we come from a heart at peace we are not focused on “winning at all costs” (war) * When we are at war, someone has to be “wrong” (judgement) * Thinking about how the software releases I managed could have been different if I had come more often from a place of peace Credits *