‘Noah’ written and directed By Darren Aronosfsky (‘Black Swan’ and ‘The Wrestler’) is the story of Noah. In case you don’t know who he is…Here are the cliff notes: God/the Creator was extremely pissed

off at mankind, so he chose Mr. Noah to build an Arc and rescue two of every species of animal, before he sent an apocalyptic flood to destroy the world. Could you imagine what the Creator would do now, if he saw what us humans have done to his beautiful planet? But that’s another discussion…Back to the film…

Anyway, Noah (Russell Crow) who appears only in a few pages in the Book of Genesis, believes God speaks to him and only him. Sound familiar: Noah is basically a pompous ass, who’s exactly like those self righteous, hateful right wing evangelists of today, who strongly believe that too know what God wants.

Okay, so Noah informs his loving, intensely emotional wife, Naameh, (Jennifer Connelly) and this three sons…Ham, the rebellious one (Logan Lerman), Sham, the one with great hair (Douglas Booth) and his youngest son, Japheth (Leo Carroll) that he’s going to build an Arc, the Creator is going to destroy mankind and only the animals will survive…Big Bummer, but they seem to go along with the plan, until…Sham get the hots for his adopted, barren sister, IIa (Emma Watson) and SPOILER ALERT thanks to Noah’s great grandfather, Methuselah, (Sir Anthony Hopkins) she becomes pregnant. You see, since, Noah thinks that the Creator wants to end mankind, having a baby is definitely not part of the plan

As I mentioned in my video review, there are a few things that were not mentioned in the Bible. Seems Noah had some help in the building of the Arc…He borrowed some Transformers from Michael Bay. Well actually, they just looked like Transformers. These creatures were made from rocks and known as the Watchers. Apparently, they did something to anger God and he turned them into these huge, angry, rock men. Also another little known fact, which would make PETA and the Humane Society quite happy, (as well as myself) Noah and his family were vegans.

They did not consume animals. Only the bad guys did…and Ray Winstone, who plays Tubal-Cain) a direct descendant from that dude Cain who killed his bro, Abel, consumed large amounts of meat, with great gusto I might add.

He knows the storm is coming and is determined to survive at any cost, so Tubal gathers a group of meat eating bad men to storm the Arc. But first there’s a lot of rape and pillaging. What would a film about the Bible be, without a lot of rape and pillaging?

What else can I say about this so called epic, besides the fact that…I just didn’t get it. It just didn’t work for me. For that reason, I gave ‘Noah’ which opens in IMAX, Friday March 28, 2014, 2 bagels out of 5.

I would love to know what you think about this movie. Perhaps I missed something.

Check out the Two Jews On Film video for more of my thoughts and to see my special guest.