God's Solutions for Today's Problems #15

Our passage from the Word of God today is Matthew 5:28. It reads, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Our quote for today is from Augustine. He said, “Passion is the evil in adultery. If a man has no opportunity of living with another man's wife, but if it is obvious for some reason that he would like to do so, and would do so if he could, he is no less guilty than if he was caught in the act.”

Our problem today is "The Problem of Adultery in Your Life" (part 4) from the book, "The Guide to Biblical Counseling" by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Ron Hawkins.

Representative, scientific surveys indicate that extramarital relations are less prevalent than pop and pseudo-scientific accounts contend. The best estimates are that about 3-4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15-18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married.

Now, we will offer some WISE COUNSEL for the Person Who Is the Faithful Spouse:

There is a normal process of grieving that occurs when someone has been deeply wounded. (A good book to consider reading on this topic is 'On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.)

Shock and Denial. The "No, not me" stage is when the wounded spouse is unwilling to accept the reality of the spouse's unfaithfulness. He or she may blatantly deny facts presented about the spouse's activities.

Anger. The "Why me?" stage is when the person is aware of being violated and hurt and may express deep resentment and/or rage toward the unfaithful spouse.

Bargaining. In the "If I do this, you'll do that" stage, the person wants to see changes in behavior as an avenue to avoid further pain. For example, he or she says, "If you stay, I'll change," rather than addressing the deeper implications of the infidelity.

Depression. The "It really happened" stage is when the person realizes the full impact of the infidelity on the marriage and mourns the loss of what the relationship once was. The wounded spouse realizes he or she will need to make a decision as to the future of the relationship.

Acceptance. The "This is what happened" stage is when the person has come to terms with all of the implications of the unfaithful spouse's actions and is willing to move forward.

These stages can be experienced rapidly within a few hours, or across days or months, depending on the individual. It is important to evaluate the stage you are currently experiencing and receive needed advice and encouragement from a pastor, counselor, or friend to work through that stage. The stages of grieving may be experienced out of order, several at once, and you may repeat these stages many times.

Avoid immediately making any long-term decisions.It is not uncommon for you to have feelings of wanting to end the marriage because the task of rebuilding the relationship seems as though it would take too much energy.

Separation, especially if the affair has been going on for a long time, may allow both parties time and emotional space to process feelings and clarify the situation. The goal of separation is to begin to build a friendship between the you and the unfaithful spouse and to reestablish trust between you both.

It is important that the unfaithful spouse have no further contact with the third person and you should ask the unfaithful spouse to expose the details of the relationship so there is no further secrecy.

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