Relationships can inspire, nurture, enrich and fulfil us or be destructive, tear us apart and grind us down. When things go wrong and (sometimes they do spectacularly) partners are often so caught up in the hurt and anger that a future together appears impossible.
Having worked with so many couples now I have a pretty clear indication of when it’s time to walk away and make a new life and when couples can deal with the challenges and find the way forward.
I’m not talking about having a half- life full of recriminations, bitten tongues and unsaid words. I’m talking about moving forward and creating a loving, inter dependent relationship where both partners are 100% committed to making things work in the long term, where they want the very best for each other and themselves. It is what we all deserve and I believe what we should all be striving for.
On the surface there are so many reasons why relationships fail, yet in reality the actual issues boil down to a few core issues.
Shared Values
Couples who have the same values in life are at a huge advantage. Our values are those unwritten rules by which we live our lives, the things we feel to be really important. Great stress is created when one of the partners begins to engage with behaviour which is at variance with values of the other.
Fidelity and trust are common examples. When one partner betrays the trust of the other by having an affair it triggers a huge range of emotions in the person who feels betrayed and let down. In my experience it often feeds a crisis in self- confidence – if I was good, pretty, clever, rich etc enough they wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. Anger at the straying partner is mixed with feeling worthless, this is then combined with a tremendous fear of what the future holds. This generates a huge level of anxiety about the uncertainty for the future and a feeling of their life being completely out of control.
In my experience of working with couples the person who has been unfaithful usually feels guilty and bad about themselves. They either get bolshy and try to justify their behaviours at least to themselves or completely shut down their emotions. This emotional withdrawal is often seen as a further insult by the partner who feels abandoned and the situation spirals out of control.
Things are made worse as partners who have been together for any length of time know exactly which buttons to press. The trouble is that everyone in these situations is working on a short fuse, their partner’s behaviour is setting off triggers all over the place and a self- perpetuating pattern is established.
Relationship with self and others
In a close partnership there are actually 3 relationships. The one that each person has with themselves and the one they have with one another.
Relationships work best when both partners feel confident about themselves. where they are able to love themselves and who they are. This doesn’t mean an indulgent love, but one where you are comfortable in your own skin and where you feel good about yourself wobbly bits and all.
When one or both partners have a poor sense of self-worth and limiting beliefs about themselves they generally look for their partner to love them unconditionally. The trouble is they are often dealing with their own issues and can rarely provide the constant reassurance and support the other person craves.
If you have had a string of negative relationships it is important that you look to yourself before trying to find someone else to make it right. People who love and value themselves expect to be treated well and with respect. They create appropriate boundaries which avoid being treated badly.
Effective Communication
Recognising that there are three relationships in the partnership makes it easier to understand that there are also three different languages within the relationship.