Sean Donohue joins us to discuss the importance of building a healthy parent-child relationship through trust, mentoring and emotional connection. Sean shares his perspective on parenting styles and encourages parents to slow down and find a healthy balance between being an authoritative parent while also being flexible and emotionally connected. Throughout the podcast, Sean discusses the impacts of parenting and personal growth. Whether you’re a parent struggling to connect with your children or looking to strengthen your bond, this week’s podcast is full of valuable insights from a family coach’s view. 

https://youtu.be/npnjB22Q_zk

Brett Gilliland: Welcome to the Circuit of Success. I’m your host, Brett Gilliland. Today I’ve got my buddy Sean Donohue with me. Sean, what’s up man? How are you? 

Sean Donohue: Hey, Brett. What’s up? Hey, really happy to be here.

Brett Gilliland: It’s good to be with you. You, uh, you coming to us from California out there and, uh, what’s, what’s your hats say? Appeal to heaven with a tree there. I like that. You, you always got the coolest hats. 

Sean Donohue: You know, thank you. You know, I, uh, actually find patches online and then I put ’em on, ran random hats cuz I want to have like unique hat. This hat An appeal to heaven. Uh, it’s got a little tree on it. This was, uh, one of the first United States flags.

In fact, George Washington and the homies, they needed a flag to put on their ships because they didn’t have a country. So they came up with this flag and appeal to heaven so that they could distinguish between our, our ships and the freaking, uh, Great Britain, uh, communists that were coming down trying to steal our, uh, all our stuff.

Brett Gilliland: That’s awesome, man. I have no idea. 

Sean Donohue: Cool. It’s cool. Cool story, huh? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, its very cool story. 

Sean Donohue: [inaudible] I’m surprised I don’t see this patch or this flag more often because, I mean, it’s just like America. You know what I mean? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. Screams America, even though I didn’t know it screamed America. I love it. 

Sean Donohue: It really does.

Brett Gilliland: Right. Well, Sean Donohue is the family coach man. You are, uh, big on, uh, social media and have made a, a wave, I guess on TikTok. I’m new to this TikTok thing. My, my kids told me I had to get on TikTok, but you’ve got like, what, 500,000 million, whatever it is. Followers and, uh, some good stuff. And again, you are the family coach.

Uh, you and I have spent a great deal of time together in the year of 2023. Uh, I’m always very transparent and vulnerable in these podcasts, and so, uh, Sean is the guy that helps me, uh, with my crazy life, right? With, you know, running a business, having four kids, a marriage, all the things that we do to try to, you know, just live life man and be the best we can be. I have, uh, personally hired Sean and working with him in 2023 and it’s been phenomenal. And, uh, so I had to have him on the podcast. And so here we are today. But with all that being said, Sean, if you can, I always have people that give us a little lay of the land and what’s made you the man you are today, because you don’t just wake up and help hundreds of thousands of people, uh, have better families. So what is it that has made you the man you are today?

Sean Donohue: Oh my goodness. Well, I’m a little flattered by the invitation because, uh, I’ve, um, I love being on People Podcast, Brett, but I consider you a friend and a client, so I’ve never been on a friend’s podcast before, so this is like really cool because I feel like I know you, I trust you.

I feel like, uh, you know, you have helped me to be a better man just by our times together and sharing life together. And so that’s, uh, so thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Brett Gilliland: Thank you. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah, I think that, to answer your question, um, the first, the first thing I think of actually when you ask me about who I am as a 44 year old man, married for 18 years, uh, three daughters is other men.

Other men. Uh, I do love my, my own dad and I do. I did have a good experience with my stepdad growing up, but it was, uh, I didn’t, no, not my primary mentors. I had to reach out to other men when I was in my teens in twenties and thirties because I was just a hot mess of a man. And I don’t really blame myself because, you know, you don’t know what you don’t know.

And so I had, uh, some challenges in my childhood and my young adult life, and I just craved to be a healthy man. I craved to be a good dad and a healthy businessman, and I knew I didn’t have it. I knew I didn’t. I knew I had to get it. And so I got it from books and then I got it from going up to other men, just surrounding myself with other healthy men who were smarter than me and knew a lot more about life. So that’s the first thing I think of, man. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, that’s awesome. And, and again, you’ve been doing this family stuff for 20 years, right? Because social media is new and, and you’ve kind of gotten this crazy following, but yet this is what you’ve really dedicated your life to, uh, uh, as being in that world, right?

Sean Donohue: Yeah, man. The first, uh, I was just telling my, my, one of my daughters about this. First thing I ever got passionate about was actually standup comedy and comedy writing. I did that even before I was 21. I even performed in the comedy store, which is only 21 and up when I was 20 years old. And then I started volunteering with kids in afterschool program and youth groups and Christian type stuff, and I, it just was this calling.

It was like, I’m not supposed to be in entertainment. I’m supposed to be spending my life around kids and around, uh, families. And so yeah, I was, now I’m an old man and I’m not as cool as I used to be, so I don’t connect with the kids as well as I used to. So I spend most of my time now just, uh, being with like-minded parents who are in the thick of it.

Yeah. And so, yeah, the social media thing has been really fun. It’s, it’s a grind. It’s a whole different gamut. It comes with lots of pros and cons. But yeah, it has been helpful to help me just help people and, and spread the l, spread the love and to put tools in people’s toolboxes, Brett. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. Yeah. I’m a, I’m a big believer in coaching. You know, I, I’m a, I love sports and, you know, you think about whether it’s the best golfers in the world and, and you know, you look at, even yesterday the masters got done and you know, I’m watching John Rom after his round. You know, he is, Loving on his wife, his kids, but you, you see the people, right, that are there for him.

And, and I said, okay, that guy knows a mental mindset coach on tour. That guy’s a nutritionist, that guy’s a strength guy. I mean, they, they’ve, they’re surrounded with people, right? That, that are helping them get to the level they want to. And I think that you and I both believe this obviously’s what you do for a living.

It’s what I do for a living. Helping people with their money, uh, and their goals and their dreams and aspirations. But how important is coaching and spending time with others and learning from them? 

Sean Donohue: Well, he actually saw that social media post you made, and I totally agree. I mean, you look at these athletes, these professional athletes, they’re just surrounded by other people.

They are not in it alone. And what’s so cool about what’s happening between me and you and everyone listening to this podcast right now, Brett, is that you know, men, we’ve always had a growth mindset towards different things. You know, like this is not a new term. Uh, now it’s the term’s like 15 years old, but this is not a new psychological concept of men.

We are, we are builders, you know, we are creators, we are artists, we are providers. And, and so, you know, I wasn’t, I wasn’t, you know, I wasn’t there back in the 1700s when my relatives in Ireland were grinding, you know, planting potatoes and trying to keep their, you know, families alive. But I have a, I, I have a feeling the old Donohue’s of the past, they were men of great strength, and they were fighters and they would protect their family, but they were always growing to try to improve their land, improve themselves. But now what’s happening is that we have a generation of men, just like everyday, men like you and I, who have a growth mindset towards parenting, towards family life.

It’s like, I don’t, I can’t speak for our dads. They’re not here right now, Brett. I don’t think our dads are going to like a parenting conferences, you know, back when we were growing up in the, uh, seventies, eighties, or nineties, or whenever y’all grew up. 

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: You know what I mean? 

Brett Gilliland: Totally. Yeah. You’re totally, absolutely right.

Sean Donohue: Yeah. So, so I, I mean, I wasn’t like, You know, I, the reason I got here is because I had to learn mostly from women about the art of parenting and family dynamics. And so yeah. Now we’re here because, you know, we might say family is the most important thing. We might have our last name tattooed on our back, or we say we love our kids more than anything.

But what’s so cool is that now we have, like we are. As men, we are very different, uh, than our, than the generations before us because we’re really into this thing called parenting. It’s like, yeah, we want our kids to obey and cooperate and respect and become successful. We also, you know, we want to be close.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah.

Sean Donohue: We want to be connected. We want to mentor them. Right. That is like, You know, I love the word coaching, but really the word coaching is, is very similar, just the word mentoring, right? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: So we wanna mentor, and that’s what our kids today need more than ever. They need our connection, they need our mentoring because without a healthy parental figures in their life, we already know what’s gonna happen.

They’re gonna be a freaking hot mess, and they’re gonna cause more problems, you know, in society and in their families. And that’s what we’re seeing all, all around, everywhere we look right. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. And I think too, it’s man, you look at business people and, and, and non-business people, but this is really anybody, these families that have a tight, cohesive unit.

I mean, that, that’s what I pray and hope for, right, with my four boys is that they want to continue to be around me and, uh, yeah. And all that stuff. And I mean, that’s the definition of success now, right? It’s not the, the success in business as much as the success that when my kids kind of go to college and go away, that they want to, uh, come back around and, you know, like yesterday I keep talking about the masters, but I, I got to.

Spend the day on Easter Sunday and watch the golf tournament. My mom and dad and a bunch of other families were around, but we were dialed into the golf tournament because that’s what I remember, you know, doing as a kid. And so it’s cool to do that and I want to continue to do that with my kids. And are you seeing a big change in that?

Sean Donohue: Yeah, definitely. My work is, uh, I think very, I’m happy to say, It’s very effective. You know, lots of happy clients hap and when you say change, I also see like change happens when a, when a mom or a dad gets motivated to create positive change in their family, in their dynamics to break those painful cycles.

It changes the world. I mean, yeah, we talk about how influential media is on our kids and that’s fine. It’s true, but the most powerful person, you know, in a child’s life is their own parents.

Brett Gilliland: Yep. 

Sean Donohue: And just to compliment you, I mean, you just, let me affirm you for a second. Like, you know it, if you ask 10 people, what’s the definition of a successful man, you’re gonna get 10 different responses.

But for me, for sure, I view you as very successful. Because what is success? I mean, success is, I really don’t even know much about your business. I, I did. Look, I love your social media. I love, but I mean, look what you’re doing, you. You’re really, uh, you have a loving family. You have four imperfect, imperfect kids.

You’re an imperfect dad, and you’re in the grind, loving them, learning with them, sharing problems with them, you know, uh, humanizing yourself to them. And now you’re st you’re, you’re in this role of being their, their father, but also being their mentor. And now you’ve shifted clearly part of your business where you spend your free time.

You know, on a podcast, giving encouragement, giving support, giving free knowledge and mentoring, coaching to so many people, cuz we could all learn so much from you about all these things. Like you have your book out and your calendar and this, this whole, all these, you know, trying to be successful in all these different areas of our lives. So just, yeah, happy to be rapping with you about this stuff, man.

Brett Gilliland: I love it. I love it. So, so let’s talk. So most of these podcasts I do are around mindset and business and success, right? And, and I’ve had people say, Hey, have you ever thought about doing some parenting stuff on here? And so that’s what we’re gonna talk about today.

So, uh, obviously you can’t dive into the details of your clients and, and tell us all that stuff, but in today’s world, you know, it’s, it’s crazy. It’s, you know, the constant notifications. It’s social media, it’s our kids want our phones and we are busy with as parents and all this stuff, right? We, we all live kind of the same life.

Uh, I call it the, the, the treadmill of life. And, and we have to really take ourself off the treadmill of life. And I do it through coaching with you and, and through other things. Um, but what, what’s the constant themes that you’re seeing amongst families that you’re helping right now and who you’re coaching?

Sean Donohue: Oh man. Well, the biggest, yeah. Uh, two things come to mind. The first thing come to mind is when you were used to back in, when we were growing up, when you used to think about a really hurting child, a hurting teenager. I mean, I would guess the most of us would be thinking about those, uh, you know, those kids that were just party hard, right?

They’re getting caught up in pot or violence or drugs like that you see in the movies. You know what I mean? 

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: It, that was, those were the, the troubled kids. It’s like the, uh, you know, like he didn’t think that movie Dazed and Confused like that Matthew McConaughey figure that we love to quote. What does he say?

Like, he’s so funny. That’s like the movie that made him funny. Like, that dude was like a creeper cuz he was like 18, 19 ,20. He is flirting with high school girls. Like we all laugh, but that’s the type of kid you would think about back in the day of like a troubled kid. But nowadays, I mean these screens have in, they’ve not only impacted the entire childhood experience, they’ve impacted the entire parenting experience.

Our screens have even impacted the human experience. And so we are seeing, I’ve been seeing so many problems, you know, come up with screens and how they are impacting our family dynamics, how they’re impacting us as husbands or wives trying to be close and connected to each other. And so it is just causing so many problems and, and furthermore, what’s caused even more problems at these companies like Google and Apple, I mean they are just all in it for the dollar. So they have just screwed us everyday parents with giving us all this technology without very many good, helpful parental restrictions or knowledge about how to use it.

Now we’ve come a long way in 10 years, in the last 10 years cause I’ve been doing this for a long, longer than that. But yeah, there’s just a lot of hurting parents out there right now because of screens and these parents, you know, they feel lost and they feel confused, frustrated, like, what is going on here?

Brett Gilliland: So what, what do you do and whether it’s you personally as your family or, or you know, the families again that you work with. What, what are the tools? I know you talk about the toolbox, right? The parenting toolbox and, and I don’t get to see your toolbox and you don’t get to see my toolbox and all that stuff, but like what’s in the toolbox now for those parents that these kids, man, they want these phones, right?

They want ’em and it’s hard to get ’em away and Right, and to take it away sometimes can be like World War III starting, right? So, What, what tools are you helping, helping parents with, and how are you even helping your own teenage daughters, uh, get off the phone and spend more time away from that stuff?

Sean Donohue: You might, you might really love my answer and you might hate it because I don’t, I think my answer is sometimes frustrate people because I don’t really answer questions directly. Sometimes I feel like they direct me, but, so let me, um, let me, let me, uh, let me answer this in a few different ways and let me get your thoughts on it.

Cause I’d love to get your thoughts cuz I feel like this is a, a weird answer and maybe you think it is or maybe think and it’s not weird, you know, parenting is like never about what it’s about. So on the surface it might be about screens or it might be about your kid won’t empty the freaking dishwasher.

Or clean up the freaking dog poop or the cat litter box. On the, on the, on the surface, it might seem like your kids getting salty when Gram and Grandpa come over for Easter because they want to do X, Y, and Z. But it’s never really about that. It’s, it’s always about something else. So how I help people solve problems to be the parent they want to be and to raise the kids that they want is to slow down and first.

Like realize that, you know, mindset is everything. How you look about your life and your parenting is everything. So when it comes to screens, for example, it’s almost never about a screen. It’s normally about trust. Either you have trust or the relationship is lacking trust. Either the young person has sh shown to you that they’re trustworthy around a screen, which is the world’s most powerful device.

Hmm, or the young person has shown you, look, I’m just a young person and this is a very powerful device that’s affecting my psychology. You know, my emotions, my identity, and I really need your help in developing a healthy, trusting relationship with this screen. So that’s first thing I think of Brett. 

Brett Gilliland: I like, yeah, yeah. But, but again, I think that’s, it’s easy to say that, but what happens when you get, go in and, and they’ve been wanting to just sit on their phone for, you know, an hour and a half, two hours instead of, you know, coming out of their room. And maybe there’s parents out there, uh, and I know I’ve done this in the past, like, get off your damn phone, right?

Like… 

Sean Donohue: Right, who hasn’t done that. 

Brett Gilliland: Don’t do this, go do A, B, and C. So like that doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. 

Sean Donohue: No, it doesn’t. 

Brett Gilliland: Right, and and so what are you doing again, if, if it’s a tool, right? It’s a hammer. What’s that hammer for you that maybe gets your daughters off the phone and a and last…

Sean Donohue: Yeah. Here’s like a, here’s a, there’s a lot of ways I can answer that question. Lots and lots of answers, but here’s like a, here’s like a really kind of a, a profound but kind of silly way of looking at the answer to that question. Um, I’m not really into like the food pyramid. Or the food my plate, I think they’re stupid. Like, you know what I’m talking about that? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Sean Donohue: I’m also, I’m really not into, um, like those stupid posters that if you go into like a freshman health class, you’ll see all these posters.

You’ll see like a, you’ll see this homeless dude, he’s all cracked out and he looks homeless and it says like in the caption, like, kids don’t do crack. Or it all started for me the first time I took that one joint in ninth grade. Right. You know those posters like fear mongering posters? 

Brett Gilliland: Yep. 

Sean Donohue: These things suck because they don’t reach anyone’s heart. They don’t reach the heart. It’s almost like if you go to the community pool and it says, you know, No roughhousing. It’s like, screw you, dude. Roughhousing is like the best part of going to the pool. You know, let’s get some chicken fights right now, like, I’m not gonna listen to you. Or like some skinny, like 14 year old lifeguard.

They, I can’t even save me if I, you, you know what I mean? I don’t care about these things and because they don’t really reach my heart. So, so much of parenting, um, is about really reaching our kids’ hearts, and this is not easy. And it’s not easy because of a lot of reasons. One is because, uh, their hearts might be more into what’s on a screen.

Brett Gilliland: Yep. 

Sean Donohue: Two is a lot of us, we didn’t learn skills from our parents on how to really reach the heart, like we didn’t have good modeling or teaching from our parents about heart to heart connection or really having these intimate close relationships with our kids. Many of us, we don’t really even know how to share our hearts to our kids.

Some other people are really, really bad at listening. They suck at listening. I mean, Americans suck at listening. We’re like some of the world’s worst listeners, but parents are really sucky at listening. Cuz if you think about it, the more you actually listen to your kid. The more crap you’re going to hear that you don’t like.

Right? And then like a math problem, then you’re gonna get tempted to get triggered to talk or to to react, to lecture, to pep talk, to teach when they’re just trying to talk and open up to you. So the, the thesis of this long-winded question, Brett, is how do we develop, The question is not how do we get our kids?

How do we get them off a screen When grandma and grandpa come over, the question is, is how do I develop a really close, connected relationship with my children so that they really know my heart? And they know that I know their hearts in a way so that they want to care about me and they want to follow the rules of the house, and they want to empty the dishwasher and clean the dog poop, not because they’re afraid of getting in trouble or getting yelled at or scolded, but because they love me, they love this family, they love grandma and grandpa, and we can trust them.

Around these powerful devices like screens, so that their hearts are really connected to the family and the family values, and they know how to prioritize the distractions in our life. That’s, that’s a long, that’s a long question. 

Brett Gilliland: No, and it, it is, but it’s, uh, it’s, it’s a big one. Right? Because again, you can fill in the blank. If it’s not screens, it’s the trash, it’s whatever. Uh, um. So again, for you though, how, how do we do that though? Because it doesn’t just, you don’t just say, Hey, love this family, care for this family, and then all of a sudden help. 

Sean Donohue: Let me ask you.

Brett Gilliland: You’re right, you’re right. 

Sean Donohue: Okay. How about this, this, hopefully you’re cool with this. Can I ask you a question? 

Brett Gilliland: Absolutely. 

Sean Donohue: All right. Saw on your social media, cause I liked it. You recently took your family to my state, California for the first time. Mm-hmm. Um, I have a feeling that you guys had some great family time on this trip. Yeah. Making memories, you know, frolicking in the Pacific Ocean.

Just being together, just sharing life, laughing, eating, barbecuing, just making memories. So tell us some about some of the stories that you experienced last week, and do you believe that some of this bonding took place and it’s gonna help your sons become better men and to do better with their chores, to receive your coaching and your mentoring more because you just spent quality time. You know, just bonding and being with your family. 

Brett Gilliland: Yep. Yeah, for sure. There’s no, and again, it’s, it was the times where they would come up and, you know, put their arm around you and this, this is awesome. This is the best trip ever. Right? Yeah. Like, yeah. That for sure that happens. But then there’s also the times where, you know, it’s four boys and it’s, it’s time to go to bed on vacation. Right. And Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah. 

Brett Gilliland: And dad’s frustrated and exhausted and so you’ve helped me with that and through that stuff and, and so how do we do that? 

Sean Donohue: Yeah. Well, um, did you, uh, did you speak from your heart? Yes. And we can say to them, Hey guys, love you guys so much. We had a great day here in Santa Monica, and I know you’re ha having a good time.

And I know you’re teenagers, you’re young men, but it’s really your mom. And I really want us all to go to bed cuz we got a big day tomorrow. Tomorrow. It would, it would mean a lot to us if you go to bed. Do you guys want to go to bed? Are you gonna go to bed right now? What would they say? Let’s do some role playing here.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah. We’ll go to bed now. 

Sean Donohue: Alright, cool. So, hey guys, can I trust you guys because this iss, I’m serious about this. We got a big day tomorrow and we got your younger brothers right here. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: And he’s little, so we gotta, I really be out. Need to be able to trust you. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, I think that’s a big question, right? That again, you’ve helped me with is that can I trust you? Like even the, the trash, right? No, nobody, no kid. I shouldn’t say no kid, but most kids don’t want to just, Hey, son, take out the trash. Oh, okay. And they jump right on it, right? They, they may not wanna do that. Yeah. But hey, can we take out the trash and then instead of demanding that it be done in that moment, right?

It, it’s, can I trust you that you’re gonna get this done? You know, and whatever in a timely manner. And that, yeah. So what can I trust you is a big question. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah, because what we’re doing here as parents, you know, what we’re doing as parents is so much more than meets the eye. Your kids are never gonna take class, for example, on the psychology of trust, how to build it, how to break it, how to repair it, what it even is.

And so our kids, they, we want them to be able to trust us, to take them on nice vacations, to provide food for them, to support them. But what one of the things we’re doing here and kind of we’re talking about here is this us stepping into the role of what’s called an emotion coach. Hmm. Where we’re not, we’re teaching our kids a lot of things, whether it be a great California vacation.

We’re teaching them about the importance of family time, the importance of working hard and celebrating your successes. But in this little role playing, we just did, we’re also teaching them about, The psychology of trust and why it really matters in this relationship. Because if these kids were to be defined to you and they’d be up at 3:00 AM on a Santa Monica vacation, like I, I would be pissed.

Would you be pissed? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah. Because it’s such a violation of like trust, right? It’s like, guys, I brought you out here to the West coast and I’m able to trust you to like work together with this schedule because we’re gonna wake up at 9:00 AM. And you guys are young and you have a younger brother, and so see, so yeah, it’s, I’m not saying you can’t demand your kids to go to bed, your teenagers to go to bed at 11:00 PM you know, on a, on a vacation.

Do whatever you want. I’m just telling you look more than meets the eye because yeah, if you can really have your kids look in the eye, say, yeah, you can trust me to empty that dishwasher, and then you have something beautiful, you have something in your relationship with your kids that a lot of parents don’t have, which is a trusting relationship.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, that’s the qbq, right? The, I call it, the question behind the question is that, can I trust you? Or whatever the question is. I think getting them involved in that versus, and, and again, I’m not perfect at this. I’ll still make the demand, but what I find is when I actually slow down, ask the question, it goes better, right?

Ask the question of what needs to be done, let them come up with the idea versus. Damn it. Go to bed, right? Like, 

Sean Donohue: Oh my gosh.

Brett Gilliland: I don’t know, man. I think it’s a lot different. It’s a whole hell of a lot different.

Sean Donohue: For sure. Yeah. Here’s the, here’s like a, okay, here’s like, here’s the story I just thought of. Okay. All right, man.

So you got four kids, you got three teenagers or two. 

Brett Gilliland: Uh, getting ready to be three. Yeah. One’s turning 12 next year. I got two or 13. I mean, next week I got two. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah. We parents, we think in our minds, this is our mindset, in our poor mindset thinking, Brett, we think that parenting should be like something we see in the movies.

Like these kids just should naturally just obey us, but that’s just not reality. Especially in 20 20, 20 23. It is just, obedience is not, it’s not like it used to be. And so raising kids, especially like raising changers is really more like this. It’s more like, imagine your plane went down and you’re there on an deserted island.

It’s just you. You’re the only adult and the whole island. It’s filled with teenagers. Okay. You with me? With this example? Yep. Yep. Now you’re wise, you got grays, you got gray in your hair. You’re like, I know a lot about lies. So naturally, as LA could tell you are you speak up, you’re like given direction.

Okay, we need food or food, we need water, we need shelter, we need spears, we need some farming, we need some someone to do the sos. We need to do this. Right? This is what most adults would probably do. You vibing with me?

Brett Gilliland: Yep. Yep. 

Sean Donohue: Especially men like me and you. It’s like, let’s take charge and let’s do this.

Right. We’re giving out direction. It’s almost like it was one of the best shows of all time Lost. Oh my gosh. Like I think Jack, he was like, he kind of took charge in a sense, and it was like a fairytale because people kind of submitted themselves under Jack, the leadership and the TV show lost, but that’s just a total fantasy.

 Because in the real world, you can’t just go around and tell people what to do, and you can’t just go around tell teenagers what to do because they don’t want to do that. They’re very selfish beings, just like we are. They wanna do things their way, on their time. So what should you do then? Well, and the, and what, what I kind of help parents do using this as like an analogy is how do you build, you know, trust and relationship with the people in your life?

Remember, they don’t, like, for example, you know, they don’t really know which they don’t really care what you know until they know that you care. They don’t care what you know until they know that you care. How do you teach them about teamwork or how, you know, treating your sibling with love and respect while you’re driving in the minivan?

It really matters. It affects the whole family, right? How you, if you don’t do your chore, then that’s going to create like a chain of negative vibes because then one person is, the adult is gonna be like, Hey, you didn’t do your chore. And then it’s gonna go over here and then it’s gonna go here. It’s like a web of connection, A web of positive, good connections or like this web of this train.

We’ve all felt that. You felt that, right? You filled it on a, you fell it on a vacation, on vacation. It’s like highs are so high and those are so low. Like you have a big blow up on VA family vacation. It’s like the worst, right? Oh, it’s like, what the hell? You drive all this, you go all the way out here, you’re spend all this money and the kids are acting like bozos. It sucks. So, yeah. So what is, what, what research shows us now in conclusion, is that authoritarian parenting, um, is not very effective. It doesn’t produce obedient kids. It produces defiant kids or sneaky lying, disrespectful kids. On the other extreme as we’ll call it like passive or permissive parenting research shows us that’s not very effective to create great kids because kids need parents.

They need morals, they need teaching, they need wisdom, they need boundaries. And so what we’re kind of talking about on this podcast, Brett, is how do we thrive as everyday authoritative parents, emotion coaches. Parents who are really connected emotionally to their children, who wanna listen, who wanna, who want to be close and empathetic and want to hear.

But we’re also the parents. So we set the tone, we set the values, but we’re flexible, right? We’re those like managers that you wanna work with. We care about your feelings. We know that you’re different than us. You have different ways of looking at things. You’re not like a, you’re not like a Bonzi tree that I can snip and mold just to my selfish liking. You’re more like this wildflower and you grow, where you grow, how you grow, and I wanna, I want to share in this whole thing called life and have this privilege cuz it is a privilege. Of mentoring you. That’s like a little thing. And then you can take that to the island and you can bring love and order to that deserted island to a group of young people who desperately need it.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. I think, and hopefully it’s okay if I share some of the tools we’ve worked through. I’m not, I’m not taking your thunder away from your coaching and going too public with that. 

Sean Donohue: No. Let’s, um, let’s get…

Brett Gilliland: but I think it was, you know, I look at the three things, and I’m looking back through my notebook, through my journal, is, You know, what are my desires, right?

What are my desires in my relationship with my wife? What are my desires for my relationship in with my kids in our business? Whatever it may be. What are my desires? 

Sean Donohue: Yep.

Brett Gilliland: When those desires aren’t met, what are my reactions, right? What are my reactions? How am I reacting? Do we act out? Do we place blame? Is it control what, whatever, right?

Whatever the words are that you want to use. But I think it’s been really important to me is to find out what my buttons are. Right. We all know, like if, if you and I were best friends and together every day, I would know your buttons. Right. And I would know exactly what button to push to piss you off if I wanted to, right?

Sean Donohue: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Brett Gilliland: And our kids and our, I can do it to my wife, I can do it to my kids, I can do it to whoever, right? I know what button to push. And I think the more I have found out on what my buttons are on that stuff, that, that’s the game changer for me is, ah, I realize the button is getting pushed. Now I have to control my reaction to that. So when you hear that played out, that way…

Sean Donohue: We get a little deep. Let’s get…

Brett Gilliland: Let’s go.

Sean Donohue: …little, let’s get a little deep with each other right now because. Yeah. Based on what you just said, I feel like you kind of gave me permission to ask you this question. Yep. Um, one of our first times talking to each other in a session, you struggled in picking some of the words to really know yourself. Yep. Um, it’s like you, uh, you had more words that were, that I would determine as just like, kind of not as descriptive words, like angry or frustrated. I’m not a big fan of those words and I think you aren’t either now cuz 

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: And I invited you to go deeper, pick big, get to know yourself, pick some deeper words. So do you feel comfortable sharing? With me or with anyone. What are some of the words that you’ve landed on that like when these buttons get pushed for you, it’s like really hard and then I can go after you. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. I mean, if my buttons get pushed and it, again, whether it’s go to bed or whatever it may be, it could be disrespected. There’s, there’s guilt, there’s invalidated, un cared for, it’s powerless, unappreciated, right? Those are the things for me that, uh, that hit, that’s what it hits me at home. Right? That’s what it hits me right in the gut. And then that’s where there may be a reaction. And, and again, you know, you and I joke, it’s like, well, you know, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Right? We’re very lucky with the families that we have, but I think if you wanna be that best parent possible, we have to understand those, those buttons and what those things are and then how we react with those. 

Sean Donohue: Thank you for sharing those words, cuz those are, those are big words and. Somebody, uh, I just started a podcast.

It’s called the Sean Donohue Show. Um, we only have like few episodes released, but my co-host Jordan, he’s a weatherman on the Weather Channel and good buddy of my grew up in San Diego together. He even asked me on the last episode, which I think… 

Brett Gilliland: The weather man in San Diego. That’s a tough gig. I’m just kidding.

Hey, 72 and sunny again. My god’s getting hotter there now. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah, when you grow up in San Diego, there’s like so many cultural things that are different than like how you grow up everywhere else. Like I’m in Northern California now near Sacramento, but San Diego is, there’s like a ton of different things. I, I, I wish we could talk about it right now, but we gotta talk about parenting, but, okay.

Yeah. It’s attracted rather man in San Diego, right? So we grew up in San Diego, but uh, he asked me, Sean, why do these words matter? You’re always like picking on words. Yeah, if you don’t like the word mad or angry, why on the last episode? Because, uh, as you know, you know, Brett, maybe more than anyone, like mindset is really important.

It’s how do you talk to yourself, how do you counsel yourself? In those moments. So what I have determined and found is that one of the ways that we as parents can best be the best parents we can be is to get to know our words and to talk to ourselves. So when this, when your kids are acting like bozos and they’re acting out, You then don’t, you don’t just react, you talk to yourself, say, what’s happening with you?

Well, I don’t know. I’m feeling really, I’m feeling really in, you know, invalidated right now. Why? Well, because it’s like I, what I say, it’s like they’re saying it doesn’t matter. I hate feeling invalidated. Right. What else? What else are you feeling? Yeah, I’m feeling really unheard. Yeah. Why are you feeling unheard?

Well, because I freaking already said it, the dang kid twice. He’s just not hearing me. Right. So why is that so hard for you? Why is it so hard for me? Well, because I hate feeling unheard. But why? Feeling unheard is a normal part of parenting. I know it is. I know, I know. But yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

I don’t know. I’m just talking to myself right now. That’s what I’m doing. Right, right. What are you gonna do after this? I dunno. Okay. Well, remember your training. What should I do? Well, I feel like I’m doing it right now. Right? You’re talking to yourself. Right. So, Right. Unheard. Yeah. Because when I go to work, people respect me there.

Like they listen to me. I don’t feel unheard at work and I come home, we run these little humans that I freaking bought them new lacrosse sticks. I take them on vacation in Texas. I just bought ’em new Nikes for $150 and now they do me like this. I’m feeling so unimportant right now in their lives and I just want to freaking punish them.

I want to teach them. You don’t. You dare. Treat me like this or you know what? Maybe not. Maybe I’ll just have some whiskey, I don’t know, maybe four or five glasses. So maybe six. I don’t take the edge off. You see what we do? Don’t take the edge off, right? And why? Why do we do all this? It all goes back to because the adult in this is feeling unheard and, and validated.

Mm. This is how we escalate things so quickly in our minds. I mean, parenting is so emotional, you know? 

Brett Gilliland: Right. That’s amazing. And you’re right, man. We did. Yeah, absolutely. So what, um, that could go a thousand different directions. So what, okay. What do you do? If you’re okay with sharing, like in the moment, cuz it’s you, you can’t just ask yourself these questions and know your desires and know your reactions and know your buttons and never just still like, be fired up.

Right? And, and so what do you do? Help us parents and, and again..

Sean Donohue: Oh man, I get fired up. 

Brett Gilliland: I don’t think so. 

Sean Donohue: What? Um…

Brett Gilliland: How do we do that? 

Sean Donohue: Okay. Yeah. Let me, um, uh, about two months ago you and I were chatting about that bracelet on your wrist. I think it’s like a, is it called a whoop.

Brett Gilliland: The whoop the whoop bracelet, yep. 

Sean Donohue: Can we, can I answer a question by incorporating that and getting your thoughts on the whoop? 

Brett Gilliland: Absolutely. 

Sean Donohue: All right. So, so I’m really intrigued because I have two clients now, um, that have talked to me about the Whoop Brett. You and this other man and you’ve, uh, is it true that the whoop can tell you even your sleep patterns and your recovery patterns? Is that, is that true? Can you tell us a about that? 

Brett Gilliland: That is true. 

Sean Donohue: And then I’ll build off that. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, absolutely. It’ll tell me my recovery based on numerous things, but from, you know, basically what I ate the day before to my sleep, to my, you know, water intake, to if you had alcohol, if, I mean, if you had stress, no stress.

I mean, it’s all sorts of stuff that were really comes into how my recovery is or how my sleep was. 

Sean Donohue: So I was, uh, working with this man. We’ll call him, uh, give him a, I’ll give him a weird name. I’ll give him a unique name. We’ll call him Sebastian. Right? I dunno, that’s not a new name. I dunno. I just making up names.

But, and uh, and he was, uh, taking my advice cuz he was letting me coach him. I was working with like two, three days a week. Cause he was going through some hard stuff with his, uh, partner, his girlfriend, fiance. And he says to me, Brett, Like, oh my gosh. Like, I feel so funny this week my whoop is telling me like my body is doing really, really, really well.

But his workout patterns hadn’t changed. His diet hadn’t changed. So tell me, you’re the whoop, you know more about it than me. What do you, what do you think happened with this man? Why was the whoop telling him that he’s in the green, which is like positive sleep and recovery? What’s your take on this?

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. Well, I would assume, and this you did not, uh, tell me about this, and you did not, you’re not paying me to say this, but I would assume that the more clarity he has and peace he has internally, um, the better his recovery’s gonna be. Right? So when I handle stress better, and whether that’s meditation, Or just anything, right?

If I’m, if I’m on my A game, my recovery’s gonna be the same, even with the same amount of water, same food, same sleep. You can vary on your day, right? So I would say the fight or flight, uh, there’s less flight or less fight. Yeah. Uh, if you will, because of the coaching and just more self-awareness. 

Sean Donohue: Um, I’m, I’m a big fan of, uh, Andrew Huberman, which is this scientist from Stanford. He’s been on joe Brogen a lot. I just was looking at his YouTube as like huge today, so I’m know Andrew Huberman, but let me do my best Andrew Huberman. 

Brett Gilliland: Well, it’s funny you say Andrew Huberman because he’s part of the, he’s part of whoop, he, he’s an, uh, he’s one of their spokespeople now on stress management side of that.

Sean Donohue: Yeah. Right. So, uh, let me do my best impressions. So, alright, so in the science of love and attachment, we often talk about it with. Our partners, right, our spouses. But I am a, I teach about attachment theory, um, through a, a parenting point of view. And I usually think about it as in our goal is to develop healthy attachments with our children, so they feel attached to us.

But I feel like we need to speak more about how attachment theory is, uh, really all encompassing in our lives, even as our children’s parents. So oxytocin is the love hormone, which is essential for like bonding, but that’s not only bonding with our, our spouses or our partners, but also for our children to bond with us.

So if you go and you spend on this money, on this amazing vacation, but you ruin the vacation by arguing or with screens, you may not be having this oxy oxytocin. Released and you’re like missing out on even the point of a family vacation is not just to do X, Y, and Z or to fill it with dopamine.

Serotonin is the this, it really controls happiness and wellbeing, and it can change depending on concentration, daydreaming, but really where that releases is when trust is being built, safety is being built. Empathy is being shared. So we, if we think about how do we be the best parents we can be and raise amazing adults, we think about it.

It’s, it’s in those, it’s in these moments. It’s in these moments. Whether you’re driving your kid to school and you just share a little. A little time of chit-chat or a little positive word. It’s when you grab your daughter by her shoulders and you look at her and you say, gosh, I just, I love you so much.

You are so beautiful. You are my girl. It’s when you look your son in the eyes and you say, I just, I’m just so proud of the man that you are. And are becoming, it’s, it’s not only in those sweet special moments of Christmas when you’re sitting down and all is right in the world and all the presents have been open.

You feel like, gosh, this is like a dream come true. But these moments, they can happen every day For us, we just have to slow down and realize, like, this is it like, This is like parenting is so temporary. It’s today our kids are only gonna be this age for one day. I even said that to my family just yesterday.

It was yesterday and one of my daughters, my wife wanted to take a picture cuz we went to church. My wife wanted to take a picture and one of my daughters don’t blame her at all. She was hungry, you know, she was salty and she’s like giving my wife attitude about a picture. And she said, probably said something like, why we taking a picture?

Right? You know, I, I could’ve let that push my button. I could have reacted, I could have scolded, I could’ve, you know, gone into, uh, you know, given some type of weird lecture or gotten weird on Easter. But I was, I wanted to be the adult in the relationship, and I just said to her, look sweetie, let’s just do this for mom.

You guys are only gonna be this old today, so let’s just take a beautiful picture. Of course the pictures sucked because the sun was in our eyes and in I, uh, it didn’t work out. But who cares? That’s just part, that’s, 

Brett Gilliland: That’s another story, right? 

Sean Donohue: So, yeah. So, so yeah. So what, what, what I, what I, what I do for myself is, is I, this is so the first thing I do to myself, cuz you asked me what do you do?

I’ve given you an example of what I do. I talk to myself. And this is how I talk to myself. And yeah, I can tell you stories about my self-care, checking my freaking puppy for a walk or walking down on the lakes. We live on a lake or, you know, watching the warriors in the playoffs or, uh, you know, going fishing, which is my jam or backpacking.

But the, the number one thing we can do as parents, as business people is the art of mindset of learning to talk to ourselves in a healthy productive way. 

Brett Gilliland: Hmm. That’s strong. Isn’t cause the, the negative self-talk is the complete opposite, obviously, but how damaging that can be. 

Sean Donohue: Oh, we, we all know we could, you and I can nerd out right now.

You want to share a co couple things and I’ll share a couple things. Let’s get vulnerable. What are some negative things that you say to yourself sometimes that sabotage, you know, your. Mindset and I’ll share some things after you. 

Brett Gilliland: Well, there’s just even like little things like it could be, you know, my wife and I were joking about this yesterday is, is the, the place we were going to have food, uh, with everybody, family and stuff has not always been the best.

It’s, it’s good, it’s it, it does the job and does all this stuff, but it’s the mindset of going into it. So I can focus on the bad fried chicken. Or I was able to focus on the wonderful breakfast that they have and the salad. Yeah, man. And so that, and that’s so stupid, right? But it’s true, right? That that can impact how my, that’s how in can impact my day on that. And, uh, it’s, it’s all about what we focus on. 

Sean Donohue: Well, it’s actually, it’ll impact your parenting, right? Yeah. If you spend all this money and you focus on the crappy fried chicken, I think you said, or bad, whatever it was.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah. That’s gonna, and then, and then if you, you know, and then that might even affect one of your kids, cuz they’re like, dad’s being, being moody or whatever, and then that’s gonna just set up a chain.

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: You know? 

Brett Gilliland: Right. Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah, I think that’s, you know, parents are teachers and every home’s a school, so we’re gonna teach our children the most important lessons in life. It’s not a school teacher’s job or principal’s job to teach our children these important things. And one of the things we want to teach them is that this person is allowed to have their feelings.

It’ll be moody or to be negative, and that’s okay, but let’s not let that or what they’re going through. Make us, you know, go through something. And that is very challenging mindset right there. That’s a very challenging truth because what we have in a lot of families is this chain reaction where one person gets all butt hurt about something that’s, that, you know, you work with teenagers when you say butt hurt.

Have you heard that term? I just, I really like that.

Brett Gilliland: I have, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s a good one. 

Sean Donohue: Yeah, it’s a good. And then it just sets a chain reaction, and now you’re back in the car and it’s like, what the crap There goes the day. You know what I mean? Right. I mean, that’s just, that’s sad, right? Yeah. That’s why we want to be the adults in the relationship and not to be in a codependent relationship with a child.

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Easier said and done. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true. It made me think too about, I’m a big believer in having my kids, you know, go and do and create their own experiences, right? So California can be an experience since that’s new, but I also want my children to believe in themselves enough to go make things happen, right?

Go create things like in business, in life. Things don’t just happen, right? You don’t just become successful as a, as a parent coach by sitting around and saying, I’m a parent coach and putting a TikTok video out. I mean, it’s the work, it’s the effort, it’s the grind, right? And then you become successful, but you made it happen.

I’ve been successful by making it happen. And, and so, you know, the, it’s, it’s funny and how kids work, but they, they know about all about YouTube, right? So the two things that were mandatory when we went to California go to Dobriks. There’s a guy named David Dobrik, I guess, on social media, YouTube.

Sean Donohue: Yeah he’s very famous.. Yeah. What is, well, what is Dobriks? I know about David Dobrik. He’s a huge YouTuber. What? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah, so David Do Brick has his own pizza joint in, uh, in, on, uh, Sunset Boulevard in Cal, in LA and so we had to go there, right? We buy the cool hats like you guys wear there. 

Sean Donohue: Oh, yeah. [inaudible] gotta get some swag. Yeah. If you’re gonna go there, yeah.

Brett Gilliland: Get some swag. You know, that’s how David’s making probably millions off of YouTube and selling pizza. There’s damn good pizza, by the way. But then the other one was cool kicks, right? So this, this shoe store, uh, called Cool Kicks that my kids only know because of YouTube. 

Sean Donohue: Oh, okay. 

Brett Gilliland: We go, it’s where they sell overpriced Jordan’s, right?

It’s, you know, there’s a 500 pairs of Jordan’s in there and you’ve gotta pay an Arm and leg for ’em. But anyway, um, my point to this is, is make things happen, right? My 15 year old walks up to the owner of the store. He’s on YouTube live Again, how they know about it while he is on YouTube live and says, Hey, why don’t we have a dunk contest?

And if I win, I get a free pair of shoes. He’s like negotiating with the guy, right? And is so… 

Sean Donohue: …a dunk. Did you say a dunk contest? 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. So they have a basketball hoop, like an eight and a half foot tall basketball hoop out in the, like in the lobby area that, you know, the big shoe store. The dudes like ask the people on the screen, right?

And so next thing you know, my son’s holding court on their YouTube channel asking, and of course they do it. I’m not bragging about this. My point is creating opportunities, right? As parents, I think we have to teach our kids to go create opportunities. So he ends up shockingly getting beat in the last dunk, right outta three dunks, and he get 25% off his shoes in a free sweatshirt.

The rest is history, but it was a cool experience and they think it’s the best thing of the whole vacation, right? But my point, that long story again, is creating experience, man, let the kids go fail on their own and get told no. Like, I don’t know if the guy was gonna say, this is the stupidest idea ever get off my show kid. But he loved it. Right? 

Sean Donohue: What a great story. Let me, uh, you know, don’t, you know when you’re arguing with your wife or your spouse are, don’t psychoanalyze me. Uh, can I, can I, can I, in a positive way, can I psychoanalyze the story? 

Brett Gilliland: Yes. 

Sean Donohue: I mean, um, I love this story. That’s a five star story because this is, uh, that, that story could, I’m just psychoanalyzing you for fun.

We’re just having fun here. It, it really says a lot about you and your wife. This is the type of man that you have raised. You have built a loving home where your kids love you, they trust you. They respect you. And so they care about your morals and they care about your lessons in life. And so, uh, and they, they see that in the you and they value it, right?

And so they, uh, you have instilled this quality in him. And so this story is about him. But from an outsider’s point of view, it’s also just a great story and it’s a great success story for you Dad. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. Well, thank you man. It was, it was cool. It was very cool. And, uh, but again, about creating experiences. I think you create your own future so that achieving a future greater than your past, we have to go create it ourselves.

Sean Donohue: And here’s a, here’s a tip. Let’s all be like Brett. Uh, let me try to, um, let me try to expand on this teaching that just told us. I’ll just say the same thing Bretts did in a different way. So as parents, we want our kids to follow our rules. But we also want them to adopt our values. But they’re very different things, right?

They’re very different. And the more you realize that they’re different, the better. The more you realize that there’s like maybe 20 rules for our kids to follow, but there’s probably 20,000 values. So Brett is talking about one of his values. Go out there and create your life. Be bold. You know, be adventurous.

Don’t be afraid of rejection. Don’t be afraid of public embarrassment. 

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: You have been verbally and non-verbally teaching your sons that since they were in diapers. And look what you did. Now they could be like, oh, screw my dad. Oh my God, my dad, he’s such a lecturer. Gosh, my dad, this, my dad, gosh, all my dad cares about is making money.

My dad is, so this, he’s on his podcast all the time. He talks more to the podcast people and he does us, all he does is come home and I, I give us lectures. That’s not what is happening here, right?

Brett Gilliland: Right. 

Sean Donohue: He’s, he’s, uh, he’s like becoming a chip off the old block because you’ve built a connected, attached relationship and now you’re seeing your values come to fruition, and that story is just one example of that story. So good job, dad. 

Brett Gilliland: Well, thank you. And that’s not why I told the story, but it’s uh, I do appreciate that. It is, but it is, uh, it’s important to, I think for us as parents out there to go out there and, and have our kids let them go fail. Right? Let them go fail and that’s okay. 

Sean Donohue: Failure beautiful. Failure beautiful especially when our kids fail and they know their parents aren’t gonna bail ’em out, but their parents aren’t gonna lecture them. They’re not gonna shame them. Like the world’s greatest coach, their coach is gonna be there. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. 

Sean Donohue: Um, to give ’em a pat on the back, maybe give ’em a hug, maybe be that, uh, shoulder that they can cry on, and they look at me in the eye and say, I believe in you.

I’m your biggest fan. Yeah. You got this. Yeah. 

Brett Gilliland: Yeah. So let’s end it with this, uh, coach Sean Donohue. What’s, what’s the one thing if I followed you around, you know, as a parent, um, but I think it’s important for self-care for yourself. If I followed you around every day. With a camera for a week, what are the no miss items that I would see you doing to make sure you’re at your best?

Sean Donohue: Oh, definitely. Uh, taking walks down to the lake is so key. Like if you, if you ask your local psychiatrist or therapist, they might say for you to get on some medication, everybody. But, uh, yeah, the, just, there’s, I just, uh, I, uh, I take walks to the lake. I played, uh, pickup hoops this morning at 5 45 in the morning.

Nice. At my, uh, the local gym. I played pretty, pretty well. My game’s pretty decent. And, uh, and the, the number one thing I do is, but I’ve tried to model in