If you’re standing, you may want to sit down. If you’re sitting, you may want to lie on your back.

Today a truly rare treasure has been unearthed: unused audio from the pilot of a show no one has ever, ever heard of: The Zack Files. We assure you nobody has ever heard of this show, and after our exclusive look, probably never will again. IMDB doesn’t even have an entry about how everyone involved in this show vanished from the face of the earth.

After all, it wasn’t a show in America. I mean I never heard of it. So it’s not a thing.

PLUS: another quiz that hurts Mikey’s heart! Listen in real time as his valves shrivel and harden shut. Post your results in the comments!

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