Tune in to the latest episode of the Bumperpodcast, the beloved improvised comedy podcast set in the whimsical town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this episode, Natty Bumpercar goes on and on about a bundle of things – until his brain seems to get stuck on the subject of knives. Don’t miss this fun-filled episode that captures the essence of the Bumperpodcast’s unique humor and charm.

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natty bumpercar 0:00
He’s always so busy,

never not busy, never not moving, never slowing down going over here going over there. Never stop moving moving all around. Do I even sleep? I don’t even know. Do I even eat? Yeah, my stomach says yes, it says it actually says stop eating as much. Hi everyone. This is Natty bumpercar. And this is the bumper podcast. And it is summer. It is so summer it hurts. It is so summer that you can’t even believe how summer it is. And what do I mean by that? I mean, it’s hot. And it has been hot for it feels like forever. Every time I go out of my house, no, I just I melt into a puddle. This book right there. My kids, they want to go to the pool, they want to go to camp, they want to go to a movie, whatever they want to go to. They’re like, Come on, Dad, let’s go. And I go. Alright, just hold on a second. And then I walk out of the door, but it turned into a puddle. And so now what the kids do they know they travel with a bucket so that anytime we have to go someplace, one of them goes out starts the car turns the air conditioning on, the other one goes and gets the bucket and the scoop. And then they know that to tell me that we have to leave a lot earlier than you would think that we would have to leave because they are factoring in the amount of time that it will take for me to walk out the door melt be scooped up, be put into the air conditioned car and reconstitute recompose. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I guess I’m becoming becoming less gooey. Less gelatinous, more solid? I’m not sure. Now I don’t even know. Right? They figured it out. It wasn’t me. It was up to me. I just want to stay in a puddle for the rest of my days. And then the nights I would probably unpossible because it would be cooler. And then the morning I guess I would just be a puddle again. That’s not going to be good for the resale of the house because I’m right in front of the front door. Usually when this happens. And you know, I don’t know a lot about real estate. Some would say barely anything. But I do. I’m guessing this is me guessing I’m going out on a limb. And I’m saying that having a puddle of goo right in front of the front door. Probably not going to help with resale value. I mean, I again, I can’t promise that. I don’t know what 100% For sure. But that’s what my instincts my chest Ray razor sharp. Business instincts are telling me I don’t have razor sharp instincts you guys I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I didn’t. I don’t have razor sharp anything at this point. My fingernails not razor sharp, my wit not razor sharp. My sword. It’s not even razor sharp. My knives, all of my knives. I was told I have to take my knives to a place to get them sharpened. And I don’t know. I’m nervous about it because I don’t really know what it means. I mean, I understand the concept. You have a knife, you take it to a place the people there. Make it sharp somehow I’m guessing AI robots. Maybe they have I don’t know badger in the back working in the back who has skills. I don’t know how it works, but I’m just freaked out because I’m gonna take all my knives someplace. Then they’re going to take my knives, they’re going to do some sort of alchemy some sort of magic to to the knives and or you’re they’re gonna do first good take the knives and they’re gonna judge me they’re gonna look at the knives and they’re gonna judge me on the lack of sharpness, the just lack of upkeep on my knives. And so I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that part. Like I’m now getting over the hump of gathering up all the knives. And then you know, finding the place going to the place getting out of the car, not melting going into the place, and then they’re just going to judge they’re going to look at the night Just to kind of kind of probably spread them out on the table or whatever, and they’re gonna look at him, they will, you know, they’ll start picking him up, maybe they’ll even put him in order, like size order or something, they’re gonna start picking them up by the handle, and kind of holding him straight up and looking at him, twisting them in their hand, twisting them back, kind of angling them more. So they’re getting a little bit of a different light. And as they’re doing this, you know, and they keep shifting it around in their hand, they’re going to make these big size

you know, like that. Not like, oh, well, okay, these will look at things. And I know it’s gonna be judgey MC judge person, MC mean, MC knife sharpeners. And then they’re gonna take my knives. And I’m gonna forget to ask how much it all costs. And then in two weeks, or whatever, when they when they say, Hey, we got your knives back. I’m gonna go. And they’re gonna say, we really had to do a lot of work on those knives. And I’d be like, cool, I got it. Thanks, you already made me feel awesome. And they’re gonna go in the back. And they might even give me a ticket when I leave. So they might take my ticket, when I get there, look at the ticket, then make fun of me, then go back to the back and bring out a bag or whatever, of tray maybe of my knives. And they’re gonna put them on the table. And they’ll say, you know, take a look. Maybe, maybe they’ll maybe they’ll even give me like a carrot to cut. Just to prove how sharp these knives now are. Be careful with those. All right, those are very sharp now. much sharper than they were when you like, get it, buddy? Or like, Would you like to cut a carrot? Like you will? Yeah, who wouldn’t want to cut a carrot? You want to cut? We also have, I don’t you probably don’t know this, you don’t remember. But there used to be commercials on the television, where they were selling knives. And they would be they would take a can like a can of soup canopy. I don’t know what some other metal can. And they go like this knife can cut through anything. And they cut through a knife, the can with a knife, which in your mind, you’re like, well, that’s destroyed that knife, that knife is never coming back from that. And then they would go and they’d bring in a tomato. And they would just rush right through it. Like like the like the, the knife was a razor blade, like the knife was a laser razor blade. And they would just cut right through that tomato. And then they’d go back and they would start hacking at I don’t remember what it was a block of ice or something hard. Me Yeah. And then they’d go back. And they they’d say they take a strawberry, a sweet, delicious little strawberry. And they would just so gently cut the strawberry and you just go well, these knives, what are they? How do I how do I get them and then they would tell you how much they were, how to get them who to call how long it was probably going to take for them to get to you. And then you know what, you can also get a second set of knives that are also magic that do the same magical things as the first set of knives that we showed you. Which to me is weird. Because if you’re showing me these on Double Magic blades that I will have I will pass down in my family for eternity. Then why you’re going to I don’t need two sets. I don’t need two sets of knives. That’s a lot of knives. I would go so far as to say it’s it’s an unhealthy, unsafe amount of knives. Like if I’m going to go into a house and I see you know people have like a block on their countertop and it’s a knife block. And I walk in and they go oh look at those knives. Cool. But if I walk in nice see two knife blocks. I’m turning around and leaving. Because you’re someone who has too many knives. I don’t need to be around that many sharp surfaces. And if they’re these magic knives, then they’re very sharp. Very, very sharp. Anyway, back to my knife story. I’m their guy. Oh, you want to cut a carrot, whatever you did. I don’t think they’d bring out a can although, that’d be pretty amazing. And you’re like, Okay, these seem good because what do you mean? They’re knives you’re gonna be like Okay, cut a carrot. Awesome. And then they’ll survive. Yeah, we know we also did this to it. We also upgraded Due to this, you know, we really felt like and you’re like, I just want my knives I want I just, I just want to go home and not have to think about knives anymore. For right now, maybe ever. And then you’re like, Okay, well, what’s, what’s the damage? What’s the bill? How much is this gonna cost forever, and then they they throw out some number. That’s so exorbitant so insanely expensive that you could have gone out and taken, you could have gone to Norway and taken classes on craft knife building. And so you’ve flown, you’re staying there for the two weeks, you are buying the materials. You’re paying for the class, and you’re flying back. And that would have been less money than what they are now charging you to sharpen your knives. And so you’re in a real conundrum. Because there’s the knives. You’ve done everything. You took the mocking you got them sharpened. And now you’re looking at a bill and you you know they have you the work has been done. There’s nothing you can do. Putting indeed it’s gonna throw your hands up. I you know what, I don’t want these knives anymore, but you do because they’re your knives. Way. What are you going to what are you going to do when you get home? People are going to people are going to ask, because you know what people in houses like to do? They like to cut things. They like to cut vegetables. They like to cut fruit. They like to cut meat. They don’t like to cut cans. They don’t? Well, they should. Alright, I’m gonna give a little secret here. I’ve discovered that my child one of my children, we won’t say which one has a tendency to take cans of soda cans of seltzer, whatever it is cans of beverage will say. And he sneaks mountain to the yard. You’re like, Oh, come on. Just let the kid have a Canvas right now. No, he takes the cans and he takes knives like sharp things. And he cuts into the cans. And then he comes in either covered in sugar water or maybe bleeding. What happened? Yeah, I fell off the slide. What? You fell off the side.

Are you okay?

Oh baby. Then you go outside and you see a massacre can and you’re like this kid does not need any more knives at all.

Outro 12:50
The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee can alley it’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty bumpercar Hugs and hearts. See you soon.