It’s okay to wrestle with the things you don’t understand. But in your wrestling, don’t pull away from God. Lean into him.

Just how quick do you give up on God? How fast are you to say, this isn’t working, God isn’t listening, and there’s no point in praying. Right now, how pointless do you feel it is to seek God first? Really, how disappointed are you in God’s movement in this world or on your behalf?

One of my most pivotal moments in my relationship with the Lord came on one of my most desperate and disappointing days. It was early 2000’s, my husband and I had built a successful business in Dallas, then we felt the prompting of God to move to El Paso, Texas and help start a church. In obedience, we left everything we had worked so hard to build in Dallas, and we moved to the desert.

We assumed going where God told us to go would bring immediate blessings. We assumed the money would just be there. The business would quickly take off again and we would be rewarded for our blind move of faith. WE WERE SO WRONG.

We got to El Paso and we struggled. We struggled to pay rent. We struggled to buy groceries. We hid our car in the garage because the repo man was circling. Every day I got up thinking this couldn’t be right. This couldn’t be our story. This couldn’t be the way God repays obedience. And every day, it kept getting worse. And that Church we moved there to help start was a hot mess.

I was exhausted from trying to fake my way through it. Beneath my smile was utter disappointment and a growing urge to quit. One day I sat on the couch with my husband and he said to me, “Pamela, just admit you’re mad at God about this. Admit you’re disappointed. Get it out.”

No. I couldn’t. I’m the happy girl. I’m the one who always sees the bright side. My faith can’t waiver. But the truth is, it was killing me inside. So finally, the words came out of my mouth, “I cannot believe this is the way God repays faithfulness. We came here because God said to come, I know he did. And now we get this????”

My husband said, “So, you’re mad at God.” YES! I’m mad.

And that was the pivotal moment in my relationship with the Lord. He didn’t strike me with lightening for being real with him. He didn’t turn away from my honest emotions. He handled them with care.

We continued to struggle for several more years. But then, things began to change. Breakthroughs. Divine alignment. Blessings. Victories. Callings.

You see what I didn’t realize is God said GO, but he never promised ease. God said GO, but he never promised success. God said GO, but he never promised I would like it once I got there. Today, I’m so glad we went. The lessons we learned there have brought us here. The sacrifices then prepared us for blessings now.

So, as a person who understands the feeling of disappointment in God and the let down of hardship following obedience, let me ask again, just how quick do you give up on God? How fast are you to say, this isn’t working, God isn’t listening, and there’s no point in praying. Right now, how pointless do you feel it is to seek God first? Really, how disappointed are you in God’s movement on your behalf?

Have you given up on God because he didn’t come through for you the way you thought he would?

Judges chapter 20 tells a story of obedience met with hardship, and it shows God’s sovereign power through it all. We’re not called to understand it, but it’s pivotal in our relationship with God to accept it.

Verses 18-28:

18 Before the battle the Israelites went to Bethel and asked God, “Which tribe should go first to attack the people of Benjamin?”

The Lord answered, “Judah is to go first.”

19 So the Israelites left early the next morning and camped near Gibeah. 20 Then they advanced toward Gibeah to attack the men of Benjamin. 21 But Benjamin’s warriors, who were defending the town, came out and killed 22,000 Israelites on the battlefield that day.

22 But the Israelites encouraged each other and took their positions again at the same place they had fought the previous day. 23 For they had gone up to Bethel and wept in the presence of the Lord until evening. They had asked the Lord, “Should we fight against our relatives from Benjamin again?”

And the Lord had said, “Go out and fight against them.”

24 So the next day they went out again to fight against the men of Benjamin, 25 but the men of Benjamin killed another 18,000 Israelites, all of whom were experienced with the sword.

26 Then all the Israelites went up to Bethel and wept in the presence of the Lord and fasted until evening. They also brought burnt offerings and peace offerings to the Lord. 27 The Israelites went up seeking direction from the Lord. The Israelites asked the Lord, “Should we fight against our relatives from Benjamin again, or should we stop?”

The Lord said, “Go! Tomorrow I will hand them over to you.”

Then verse 35, “So the Lord helped Israel defeat Benjamin.”

Here’s what the Israelites show us … they show us it’s okay to be defeated and keep seeking God. It’s okay to lose one and stay in the battle. It’s okay to keep fighting when you’ve been losing. And God shows us his instruction to go doesn’t promise guaranteed victory. God shows us when he says it’s time for victory, it will finally happen.

I never knew you could go in obedience and be met with disappointing struggle. I blindly assumed if you’re walking in the will of God, then blessings will overflow with every step. I was wrong.

What God’s word says is, James 1:12, “God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that god has promised to those who love him.” Testing and temptation … then blessings. You must endure first.

You know, you never have to endure goodness. You don’t endure beautiful sunsets and delicious meals on tropical vacations. No, you endure things not going the way you hoped. You endure people doing and saying things that hurt you. You endure things being unfair and ridiculously hard. You endure loss. You endure hospital stays, treatments, surgeries, and really hard unimaginable days. And God says, PATIENTLY ENDURE that. Keep showing up in it. Keep coming back and asking me what the next step is, even when you’ve lost the last round.

Did you lose this last round? Are you beaten down and discouraged? Maybe you’re like I was, and you cannot believe this is the result after trying so hard to do it God’s way. It’s okay to feel that way, just keep coming back to God. Come back angry. Come back frustrated. Come back questioning. But Sis, just keep coming back.

Patient endurance looks like this: God, I did what you said last time and now it’s a mess. What am I supposed to do next? Now listen. Listen to what he says. Listen as you’re still licking your wounds from the last endurance session. Listen as you’re feeling beat down and disappointed. And respond in faith.

Faith doesn’t mean it will be easy. Faith doesn’t mean guaranteed success. Faith doesn’t mean you will love it. But faith means you’re going to keep trusting God through it all. Because AFTERWARD, there’s a crown of life waiting.

Keep asking God, “Should I go, or should I stop.” Keep responding in obedience. When you lose, come back and ask God for the next step. Don’t hide. Don’t assume you’re being punished. Don’t give up on God.

You win some and you lose some, God is still the Lord of it all. He still knows what he’s doing, even when you don’t understand it.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. At time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for ward and a time of peace.”

I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to understand it. I personally would only choose the dancing times, the being born times, the laughing times. But in God’s divine wisdom, he says, there’s also a time to grieve, a time to die and a time to cry. Just stay with him at all times.

Some are listening to this today laying in a hospital bed. It’s not fair. It’s not what you wanted. I’m truly so sorry. I’m sorry for this battle you’re in. I’m sorry for this pain and struggle. I don’t understand why this is happening to you. But, my sister, don’t quit seeking God.

Do you remember when Jesus gathered his best friends and he tells them it’s necessary for him to go to Jerusalem and suffer many terrible things and ultimately he must be killed. And his bold friend Peter says, “Heaven forbid, Lord, this will never happen to you!”

It’s a dangerous trap to only see things in our human ways. God sees things different. If he allowed his son to suffer and die out of love, what else will he allow out of his unstoppable love?

He allows losing battles and winning battles alike. He calls us to faith in both. My experience is God grows our dependence on him exponentially during those uncertain, disappointing times. And then, when he does eventually give us the victory, we come out of it with an unshakable faith and deepened relationship with our Savior.

It’s okay to be disappointed right now. It’s okay to question in this. Just don’t pull away from God in this. Keep coming back and saying, “Now what do I do, God?”

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