Just Be Yourself Advice is Not Helpful Dr. Dar Alternative to Counseling for Singles and Couples | Relationship Coach - Helping smart people find and create fulfilling relationships

Lately, I’ve been hearing the words ‘Just Be Yourself’ as helpful friends tell each other how to handle a date, or a difficult meeting, or some other scenario.

How many times have you received a Facebook note of inspiration telling you to Be Yourself?

I get at least one a day, okay, so I am exaggerating a little…

What the heck does Just Be Yourself mean?

I am supposing that our friends know us better than we know ourselves?  Perhaps that’s why we get that advice from our loved ones that leaves us more confused than before we received that all encompassing unhelpful advice.

Every time I am on the receiving end of the ‘Just Be Yourself’ advice, I find myself wanting to scream, exit the conversation, tell my well meaning friend/loved one, thanks but no thanks…or something worse.

Maybe, just maybe…advice like ‘What would make you feel more confident in that situation?’  OR ‘I see you as a confident person, so be confident’ Or ‘It sounds like you are off kilter with this situation, what would get you in a stronger place with this?’ would be more helpful?

Just Be Yourself advice is dismissive, is not helpful, leaves the other person more perplexed, and does not make a difference.  It honestly makes the other person feel as though you’re tired of hearing about the situation, you are done being part of the conversation, or you just don’t have anything else to give to fix the problem.

Next time you think about saying ‘Just Be Yourself’, think again.  Instead, hear what’s being said and then ask questions that help your friend/loved one process their issue.  Here are some examples:  hmmm I hear your quandary here, what is it that you need to feel better about this situation?  You usually are a confident person, what is keeping you from being that way here?  What is it that you need from me or how can I be of service to you as I listen?

Stop giving this advice, instead listen and ask ‘what more can I do to support you with this?’

And…watch your relationships transform.

With Love,

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