Couples Avoid Arguing in Relationships – Is this healthy for relationships? Dr. Dar Alternative to Counseling for Singles and Couples | Relationship Coach - Helping smart people find and create fulfilling relationships

The longer couples are together, the less they argue in relationships.

Is arguing in relationships a good sign for the staying power of the couple?

A new study conducted by Sarah Holley, assistant professor of psychology at San Francisco State University, states that the longer couples have been together, the less they argue.  The study was published online on July 1st 2013 in the Journal of Marriage and Family and has made it to top news sites, international and domestic, like Huffington Post, iVillage, Third Age…here is the google search link.

Holley says, as you age, you may find yourself handling disagreements with your spouse more often by changing the subject instead of arguing.

I am a bit ticked off about this study as it can be misleading.  Just because couples have stopped arguing over time, it does not mean their issues are resolved….watch my television segment where I speak more about couples and arguing.

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Your Healthy Relationship Won’t Happen Magically

You need ongoing focused attention, fresh insight, new communication and listening skills, conflict resolution tools, and professional support to maintain your healthy relationship.

Henry Ford said ‘Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success‘.

I see these 3 relationship stages based on his statement:

1. 
   
2. The Beginning is the Puppy Love phase where you are all into each other – this phase lasts anywhere from 1 to 3 years.  Couples are blissfully into each other that they don’t notice anything negative or anything that may bother them down the road.  This phase begins as soon as the couple starts dating and continues into year 3 of the relationship.
   
3. Keeping Together -  is where the work in relationships starts, and most couples are unaware of it.  Couples get married and think ‘we’re in love so everything is hunky dory, we’ll figure it out, and we don’t need help, or we should know how to resolve our issues.’  This is indication that you have entered the Power Struggle phase. 77% of couples are stuck in this phase lasting anywhere from year 3 to the end of the relationship or end of life of one spouse. Failed relationships occur in this phase and can be avoided with the right help.  Couples will wait at least 7 years before acknowledging they need help from an objective third party…by then the swirl of discontent is so complex, it is more costly because the couple is stuck in a habitual pattern that takes longer to unravel.  The reason couples get stuck in this stage is because of they argue or fight – and neither of these communication skills result in solving the problem…pushing for your partner to change, communication, listening, interpretation, and assumption problems result in making your relationship hard.  One or both parties are arguing their case or their perspective while the other party either argues their case or withdraws; and blame each other for the failures.
   
4. Working Together: the Pure Love phase (the healthy relationship) where couples are connected at all levels and love each other unconditionally – this is fulfilling love and relatedness lasting your lifetime.  Your relationship just works without effort.  The reason couples make it to this stage and remain in this stage for longer periods of time is because they have learned how to communicate and connect with intimacy, openness, support, profound listening, presence and engagement.
   

Here’s why Arguing does not resolve anything, ever!

You have been set up to fail!

To ARGUE means:

• 
  
• to present reasons for or against a thing: He argued in favor of capital punishment
  
• to contend in oral disagreement; dispute
  
• to state the reasons for or against
  
• to maintain in reasoning: to argue that the news report must be wrong.
  
• to persuade, drive, etc., by reasoning: to argue someone out of a plan.
  
• 
  to show; prove; imply; indicate: His clothes argue poverty.
  
  

To FIGHT means:

• 
  
• a battle or combat.
  
• any contest or struggle: a fight for recovery from an illness.
  
• an angry argument or disagreement: Whenever we discuss politics, we end up in a fight
  
• boxing. a bout or contest.
  
• a game or diversion in which the participants hit or pelt each other with something harmless: a pillow fight; a water fight.
  

The definitions  of the words to argue and to fight tell you quite plainly that there is no resolution in arguing or fighting.  The definitions do not include the path to finding common ground, compromise, or even problem solving.  And that’s why couples stop arguing the longer they have been together…they have learned that arguing in relationships or fighting is not going to produce a different result…a resolution that works for both of them.

The next time you find yourself wanting to argue, explode, or throw a tantrum, don’t avoid it…instead,

1. 
   
2. Take 5 to 10 minutes to investigate your feelings and emotions on your own
   
3. Identify what you are upset about
   
4. Accept that your upset is about you and not your partner
   
5. Let go of blaming your partner, because they are not upset, you are
   
6. Identify what it is that you can do to resolve this problem without your partner
   
7. Identify what it is that you ask your partner to do to help you resolve this problem
   
8. Ask to hear your partner’s perspective
   
9. Ask to share your perspective with your partner
   
10. Now that you understand both perspectives, what would a meet in the middle solution look like?  Create it together so you both leave feeling fulfilled with the resolution.
    

Is the problem too intense for you to resolve on your own?

Do you feel like you have tried and tried and tried…and have given up?

If you are stuck in a Power Struggle or want to avoid it, please don’t wait to get professional support…click on call me on the bottom right of your screen, pick a time on my calendar, and we’re all set to start creating your healthy relationship love story!

Related articles

• 
  
• Are couples happier if they argue less the longer they’ve been together?
  
• How Married Couples Handle Conflict Varies Over Time
  
• Age affects how married couples handle conflict
  
• Fighting over money is a top predictor of divorce, study shows
  
• How Older Couples Handle Conflict: Just Avoid It
  

 

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