In this week’s Cafe Book Club, host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost discuss chapters 15 – 19 of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and the companion Codependent No More Workbook by Melody Beattie.

Chapter 15 – “Yes You Can Think”
In codependence, many of us don’t trust our minds. We truly understand the horror of indecision. The small choices such as what to order at a restaurant or what bottle of bleach to purchase paralyzes us. Big choices like what to do with our lives or who to live with or how to solve our problems can be overwhelming.
We must think, figure things out, decide what we need and want and decide how to solve our own problems.
Our ability to think may be clouded by lies we have believed, told to us or by ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem and repressed emotions.
Over-reacting can be spurred by wrongly thinking we must hurry or we must be perfect and by worrying about what others think.
“Should’s,” self-deprecating thoughts, low self-esteem and self-hatred can also make it hard to make decisions.
Not listening to what we want and need or telling ourselves what we want is wrong stops us from seeing informational tools to make choices and decisions.

 
Things to help us gain mental confidence:

* Trust our minds to peace – get quiet before you make a decision. Maybe now is not the time to make a decision.
* Ask God to help you think
* Quit abusing your mind – worry and obsessing is mental abuse – stop it
* Feed your mind – research choices
* Feed your mind healthy thoughts – read and think positive thoughts
* Stretch your mind – learn, read, take a class
* Stop saying negative things about your mind – say positive things and they will come true
* Use your mind – create, form opinions, make decisions (also let others use their mind)

Chapter 16 “Set Your Own Goals”
Learning How to Set Goals

* Turn everything into a goal

* Make solving a problem or making a decision into a goal
* Make getting what you want or need into a goal

* Omit the shoulds
* Don’t limit yourself
* Write goals on paper
* Commit written goals to God
* Let go – don’t obsess or worry
* Do what you can, one day at a time

* Follow your gut or desire

* Set goals regularly and as needed
* Check off reached goals
* Celebrate and thank God for reached goals
* Be patient

Chapter 17 “Communication”
Many Codependents:

* manipulate
* are people pleasers
* are controlling
* cover things up
* assign/use guilt or try to alleviate guilt
* repress feelings and thoughts
* have ulterior motives
* have low self-esteem or self-worth and feel a lot of shame
* react inappropriately
* allow abuse and use badgering as a tool
* justify, rationalize, compensate and threaten

Codependent communication is indirect and not forthright, regardless of intention.
Fear of rejection fuels our inability to say who we are and what we want or need or allow others to do the same.
The words we speak reflect who we are. If we don’t love or trust our thoughts, feelings or wants and feel we are not worthy, we will judge others and expect them to have all the answers. We will control others to ensure they are “pleased” and force things to happen because that is all we have.
To speak openly and honestly is fun!

* Who we are is okay.
* Our feelings and wants are okay.
* Our opinions count.